Tonight's the night we'll make history

As sure as dogs can fly.

Ladies and gentlemen, I do hope you'll forgive me. The truth is, I've not been completely honest with you, my loyal and awesome readers. Well, from a certain point of view that is. There are certain facts and happenings of which I've been aware for much of this time and just haven't told you all about. But I assure you, I had only the best intentions in mind by doing so. Stop looking at me funny like that, you know I love you guys. You're the best fans a crazy motherfucking gangsta in the employ of a faceless, well-dressed eldritch abomination could possibly ask for. I've done everything for you guys.

And I'll take any risk to tie back the hands of Time

At least, I think I did. I also did a lot of shit just because I felt like doin' shit, and who can say, really, what was done with which purpose in mind. Oh, and to fuck around with Doc. Not the German fucker that keeps pissing all over my blog with his shit (we'll come to him momentarily), I mean the hot one from that lame "Return to Slender" blog. But anyway, the German. The gist of the situation is that he, as you know, is a crazy Nazi witch doctor, about a hundred years old or so, largely mentally challenged, and somehow or other got into a little wager with the Boss. Did I mention he's an arrogant motherfucker? This goes waaaay back; back to when Archy was first recruited at least, as many of his first jobs involved fucking up Doc's plans to manipulate the plot.

And stay with you here tonight

Now as for the exact nature of this little wager and what exactly it is that they're trying to accomplish, I couldn't tell ya. I don't have a damn clue myself. Boss has always refused to go into detail and Doc likes to pretend I don't know nothing and that nothing is going on. His first assumption was in fact quite correct up until a few months ago. It was that damn BOOK that unlocked everything and threw it all into perspective for me. It all has to do with the Intent. Stories, ladies and gentlemen, that's what it's all about. Gotta keep shit real, gotta keep stuff happening, or the folks get bored and go off to read about that asshole that kills unicorns and whatever. Everything in this place is built on stories mine and yours, but mostly mine. Because I'm special, bitch, a special little snowflake. Ya'll so damn jelly. Suck it. People go on about good and evil, chaos and order, ham and cheese, and it's all just bullshit. 'Cause it's all just part of the stories.

So take your seats and don't be late, we need your spirits high

Nobody wants to read about some thirty something douchebag living in his mom's basement and spending all day jerking off to shitty 70's porn full of really ugly hairy women. Except for Spencer, he's the kind of guy I imagine does that himself and wouldn't mind seeing someone else do it. But anyway, the point I'm trying to get at is... umm... shit... My other half here seems to be cracking up a bit. Better for us, I'm the more entertaining half of the mind anyway, right? The point my forgetful and straightspeakin' brother was attempting to come close to without ever actually explaining satisfactorily, is essentially the revelation of shit monkeys how everything is connected. The Slender Man. Slender Bender likes him a good story. Why else do you think you all waste so much valuable time pouring your souls out to random strangers and psychopaths on the Interwebz? Herp derp, it should have been obvious. Slendy's just a really really harsh critic who likes to insert himself into the narrative. BOOM! All your questions have been answered. That was the sound of your minds exploding from sheer logic.

To turn on these theatre lights and brighten the darkest skies

So now that we've solved that riddle, I think it's high time that we get some other things resolved here. First and foremost, I'd like to push that we alpo8ewwafh the fuck is wrong with yourw8he k Apologies. As I was saying, I'm almost out of shampoo and there's a box of 7e8ropa jlmlz;kjv z

dsfo ;d 

dsf 'sdf 

asdf 

bITCH FUCK 0ff11

That wasn't what I was trying to get at. But with my train of thought now off the rails and over the side of the bridge, let's move on. Now I can't say I expected anyone to be surprised by the revelation that Doc is the one behind everything. Except for the things that Slendy was behind. But you know what the best part of it all was? He thinks he actually had me fooled. Please. Oh, the mind games, they were great fun, don't get me wrong. And this whole labyrinth thing is a sweet deal, but honestly, it screams of 2011 plot device. Oh, and uh, the Boss already broke my mind once before, remember that? Yeah. See that's the thing with this whole split personality thing. Or are we really a split personality, I mean we're essentially the same, we just with different methods. Anyway, what I'm getting at here is, the breakdown? All an act. Mostly. Oh, you got in there a little bit, managed to plant some suggestions, but it seems the Boss was a couple dozen moves ahead of you this time.

And so my friends, we'll say good night,
For Time has claimed His prize,
But tonight can always last
As long as we keep alive
The mem'ries of paradise

The game's over Doc. So quit it with your petty fucking around and submit.

Excuse me sir, is there a bathroom here?

Tangled abstract fallacy; random turmoil builds in me

I'm not really completely sure what's going on.

So Doc thinks I'm slacking off. Or hiding shit. Whatever, he can just go fuck himself because fuck him.

Now y'see, what had happened was, we go down to Salieri's to, y'know, kick some ass, take some names, maybe steal the bossman's membership card to the country club. They stopped letting me in there when they found out the guy who was letting us in had died a couple weeks back. And my game has been suffering for it, I really need to get back on the green and practice. But that is neither here nor there, let us get back on topic.

But anyway, I'll try to make this quick, since some people apparently are lazy and can't be bothered to read all of the oh-so-long posts that I make. Since we already found out that Salli was able to pinpoint where we opened the Path, and his muggle security systems where top-notch, we decided to take a different approach. We called back Doc. None of us knows where the hell he gets his voodoo powers from, and we figured nobody else would either. So we thought it'd be safe to send him in.

While in the course of breaking and entering, Doc managed to track down just exactly the information we needed. What intelligence we had managed to gather seemed to indicate that Salli had been putting a lot of time into a secret little pet project; even moreso since that first disaster. So that was what Doc went to check out. And a good thing he did too. Upon cracking into the records for the project Doc was astonished to find information of a most compromising nature. For our side!

In those files was contained forbidden knowledge of the most vile and disgusting sort imaginable. There were methods for evading and escaping the Big Man, including ways to sense when He was around and ways to hide oneself from His vision. It even held descriptions of certain mystical items and weapons which could be used to harm Him. All manner of horrible and appalling things. It was thought that all such information had been destroyed not long after the initial reports about the Big Man were leaked onto the web. There was an incident early you see, where one of the bloggers stumbled onto the information from a previous hunted who had stolen it from one of those stupid cults. Luckily, neither of them had really known how to properly use the information and they were taken care of and the blog passed off as a failed ARG attempt. 'Cause that was how we rolled back then.

This sick and perverted knowledge was of course quickly destroyed for good. It did prove useful, however, in providing us with the information we needed to bypass Salli's bypassing of the perception filter, turn it back on him, break in, kill his guards, and get into his office. He was not so pleased to see us just barge in on him like that. Now, our goal from the beginning had been to kill Salli. That was after all why Jonas hired us. Or so we thought. However, there was still one piece missing. It seems that Salli had actually gotten his hands on one of those mystical weapons I mentioned above. We had to get our hands on that as well, naturally, and for this end Doc brought Madi back. He had been training her the ways of bullshit Nazi voodoo bullshit and felt it was time to give her a chance to test her skills.

And Archy kind of insisted we bring her. Because he just calls up and gives us random orders sometimes, whatever. Of course, something got fucked up, the twins ended up shooting Salieri before Doc could get the information he wanted, and Madi, along with two of my boys from the old squad, were killed by guards. We managed to get the artifact and get out, but Doc wasn't too happy about Glorianna trying to get rid of him like she did. But it wasn't all bad. We got back the weapon and destroyed it. And because I asked Him very nicely, Slendy Bendy killed Jonas for me. You don't need to know why, just because you love me.

All things considered, I'd say it wasn't nearly so bad as Doc made it out to be. Legacy didn't even turn up like we'd half-expected him to do, and another day without being chased by death is a good one in my Book.

Did that go on too long? Tough shit.

Hey. Been a while ya'll. Fingers crossed folks, I just might be able to get out for a spell if I can time this right. Keep it frosty peeps.