I've been too long, I'm glad to be back

Greetings all.

You've missed me right? Tell me you've fucking missed me. 'Cause I've missed you guys, I really have. My frosty brothas, just hangin' up in this joint. And fuck have we had some good times, amiright?

Well, in truth, there's quite a few a ya'll that  I don't believe I recognize. Probably seen you around the blagosphere here and there, I'm sure, but fuck, nobody ever commented on this thing when I was around. Do you really like the other guy better? That makes a sad Ridley.

Of course, I haven't introduced myself to you yet. And I know he sure as fuck didn't. It's just fucking goof around and shoot things, all the fucking time with that bastard. I'm so ashamed of myself sometimes. Anyway, I'm Ridley, nice to meet you. For realz like. That other guy is Ridley too, but I'm the suave charming bastard, whereas he is the crazy psychotic bastard. I don't hold it against him though, I love myself as much as I love myself. You know how it is.

I just wanted to pop in to say a few things to ya'll. Firstly, this guy is back. You know him, you love him, you probably thought he was a gigantic douche. That's right, my old buddy Iscabibble Archy. Err, Coronado, as he calls himself now. He brought the crazy bitch as well, unfortunately. And the traitor bastard. But we finished him off right quickly we did.

Let me back up a bit. We was just sittin', chillin' mindin' our own business. When this guy in a big black coat and hood shows up, and I could tell he was up to no good. Didn't want him makin' trouble in my neighborhood. So I go over and start kickin' his ass. Or get Hazendorf to do it. He didn't do well. I figured I couldn't just let the bastard kill him, so I jumped in myself then. He revealed his identity then, as that asshat Sullivan who sold us all out to that retarded Redlight cult a few months back. So I stabbed in the face. Priest doesn't like the sovereign to be left alone, you know? He didn't take kindly to that gesture, and responded by attempting to break my nose, following up with a preemptive rebuttal to my abdomen with his foot. He then drew his own blade and stalked towards me ready to kill, all the time muttering about something stupid (I mean, I couldn't make it out, but what else would he be talking about?). Then his neck exploded. He collapsed to the ground, and I could see Archy and Death's Head standing some ways off, Head lowering her gun to shoot him again while he was down. And so she did. And Ed Sullivan was dead, and America mourned. The End.

The fuck am I talking about?

Archy's in pretty bad shape at the moment. We don't really know what exactly he's been doing for the last... half a year, and his new blog isn't giving us that many clues. Seems he was/is losing his mind. Bound to happen eventually, I s'pose.

Doc fucking just disappeared now. This shit's gone on long enough. It's time to figure out exactly just what the fuck has been going on all this time.

Stay frosty.

Who the fuck is Rhodes?

So maybe it wasn't all that smart to just follow the advice of some random proxy I ain't never met before, even if it was to stop Konie-dawg from retrieving Zero's sword. 'Cause, y'know, I'm much cooler and more deserving of having a sword. Well, even so, I did attempt to not fall into the realms of dumbassery again, but it seems fate has other ideas.

Y'all probably wonderin' what the hell I'm goin' on about now, ain't ya? So, what happens is, I get a message from some proxy calling himself Rhodes, says that Konaa's managed to track down where Zero's sword ended up and is heading to go get it. He says he needs me to go and stop him, and then doesn't really explain why exactly or what the hell is going on. Well, I don't know what the hell was going on, but I wasn't about to let that twat get that sword. So it was off to Indiana! Wonderful. I open up the good ol' Path of Black Leaves and stroll on through, and soon enough there I am in Indian-Land-City, though I can't say as I saw too many Indians there. Must've headed back to India.

Anyhow, Rhodes had given me directions to that forest outside the city where the sword was and so it was to there I made my journey. Eventually I found the damn forest and after a bit of wandering around I stumbled upon my dear friend Konie-dawg with the sword. I made my presence known by requesting that he hand the sacred blade over to more capable hands, which he of course refused with a side of 'God dammit, how the fuck are you here? Fuckfuckfuck, fuckity fuck fuck fuck.' Then he just kind of went on swearing for a little bit, that fucking pottymouthed little twatbastard. After a while I had to interrupt him 'Yo Konie-dawg, ease off huh? Don't make me have to wash yo mouth out with bleach.' Then he just kind of stared at me like a dumbass so I made a move for the sword and he moved out of the way, so I took out my knife. Then the cops showed up.

Yeah, there were police. And you wanna know who fucking called the police? Well, so would I. Wasn't the little bitch anyway, cause they yelled something about arresting both of us. For drug trafficking, WTF? Oh but wait. It gets even better. Then these other dudes wearing trenchcoats and masks showed up. And start shooting at me and Konaa, which of course gets the cops to start shooting at them and suddenly we're stuck in the middle with bullets flying all around. In other circumstances, I might have found that enjoyable, but Konie-bitch was high-tailing it out of there with my sword. I had managed to jump out of the way but some of those gun-happy bastards were following me and my old pal had run off in the opposite direction. So much for the sword, dammit. Well, I was stuck with more pressing matters at the time, like police, gun-happy trenchcoat/mask-wearing weirdos, and what appeared to be the ghost of Marie Antoinette.

Hoping to keep my skin intact for many more days of fun, I retreated from the shootout. One of those weird trenchcoat dudes came after me and I promptly said hello with my gun. Sonabitch was quick, but eventually I got him in the knee when he stopped. 'Course if I had been paying attention to WHY he had stopped... yeah, that might have been a good idea. I SAW DEAD PEOPLE! No, but seriously, I SAW DEAD PEOPLE! IN SUITS! Rubbery, dried-out looking, old farts in business suits, trying to steal Master's fashion statements I think, waddling through the trees towards us. Now if I had indeed realized that 'hey, crazy mofo chasing me through woods suddenly stops, something up must be' then I might not have ran right into them. Instinctively, I shot one of them in the face. Unfortunately, that was my last bullet, but luckily I always have my knife with me, so I stabbed one in the heart and made a swift slash into another one's neck, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE!

They were upon me and once I was in their clutches they began to drain my life force leaving me as a dried-out empty old husk. Or something, I don't really know, but it felt nasty so I stabbed and shit and eventually managed to fight my way out and continue running aimlessly through the forest. There were weird sounds and some psychedelic lookin' lights that tried to tempt ol' Uncle Riddles into recreational drug use, but never fear! I perservered and made it through the jungle! Well, actually I blacked out somewhere along the line and then woke up back in the city. So in short, what. the. fuck. was all that?

It's Rhodes' fault, apparently. I suspected as much, Konaa's too dumb to stage something like that. Weird trenchcoat people are apparently some kind of... secret organization. How trite. Fucktards. And in possibly unrelated matters, I am now stuck in Indianapolis. I appear to be unable to access the Path now. So I'll be waiting for Lucifer to come pick me up (I called Archy but he's busy with I don't even fucking know anymore). Until he arrives, I figure I may as well have some fun being in an actual city again, since my little trip to Boston was all filled up with business matters. Mostly. I'm sure y'all remember how that turned out right?

It was fucking awesome!

Anyways, I'm gonna be chillin' I guess, do whatever it is people do in Indianapolis. I wouldn't know, but I guess I'll figure it out.

Stay frosty, my peeps, Uncle Ridley is always watching.