I've been too long, I'm glad to be back

Greetings all.

You've missed me right? Tell me you've fucking missed me. 'Cause I've missed you guys, I really have. My frosty brothas, just hangin' up in this joint. And fuck have we had some good times, amiright?

Well, in truth, there's quite a few a ya'll that  I don't believe I recognize. Probably seen you around the blagosphere here and there, I'm sure, but fuck, nobody ever commented on this thing when I was around. Do you really like the other guy better? That makes a sad Ridley.

Of course, I haven't introduced myself to you yet. And I know he sure as fuck didn't. It's just fucking goof around and shoot things, all the fucking time with that bastard. I'm so ashamed of myself sometimes. Anyway, I'm Ridley, nice to meet you. For realz like. That other guy is Ridley too, but I'm the suave charming bastard, whereas he is the crazy psychotic bastard. I don't hold it against him though, I love myself as much as I love myself. You know how it is.

I just wanted to pop in to say a few things to ya'll. Firstly, this guy is back. You know him, you love him, you probably thought he was a gigantic douche. That's right, my old buddy Iscabibble Archy. Err, Coronado, as he calls himself now. He brought the crazy bitch as well, unfortunately. And the traitor bastard. But we finished him off right quickly we did.

Let me back up a bit. We was just sittin', chillin' mindin' our own business. When this guy in a big black coat and hood shows up, and I could tell he was up to no good. Didn't want him makin' trouble in my neighborhood. So I go over and start kickin' his ass. Or get Hazendorf to do it. He didn't do well. I figured I couldn't just let the bastard kill him, so I jumped in myself then. He revealed his identity then, as that asshat Sullivan who sold us all out to that retarded Redlight cult a few months back. So I stabbed in the face. Priest doesn't like the sovereign to be left alone, you know? He didn't take kindly to that gesture, and responded by attempting to break my nose, following up with a preemptive rebuttal to my abdomen with his foot. He then drew his own blade and stalked towards me ready to kill, all the time muttering about something stupid (I mean, I couldn't make it out, but what else would he be talking about?). Then his neck exploded. He collapsed to the ground, and I could see Archy and Death's Head standing some ways off, Head lowering her gun to shoot him again while he was down. And so she did. And Ed Sullivan was dead, and America mourned. The End.

The fuck am I talking about?

Archy's in pretty bad shape at the moment. We don't really know what exactly he's been doing for the last... half a year, and his new blog isn't giving us that many clues. Seems he was/is losing his mind. Bound to happen eventually, I s'pose.

Doc fucking just disappeared now. This shit's gone on long enough. It's time to figure out exactly just what the fuck has been going on all this time.

Stay frosty.

Just like the pied piper...

Ladies and gentlemen, I am... just... what the fuck?

I really don't know how to describe the events that have just taken place. Am I the only person here thinking rationally anymore? 'Cause if that's that's the case, we're all totally fucked.

That little delivery Oblivion was going on about? Well, it has arrived. And LORD, what it had to go through to get here. First of all, let's discuss Oblivion's chosen method for conveying said package to Wyoming from wherever the fuck he happens to be. Does he send it in the mail? With UPS? FEDEX? Naw, he decides to use those courier assholes who think a clever blog title is making a pun out of an Elvis song. And who does fatboy send, but the team doctor. Of course. As you can see, the situation could only get worse from this point.

And so it did. She was given instructions to deliver the package right to me. As if Oblivion actually though I was gonna pick it up. Man, I was watching some shitty movie on the hotel TV, I wasn't goin' to no fucking dropoff point to meet some doctor. But hey, it seems that if I wasn't gonna do it, there are plenty of people in this town who would be more than eager to get their hands on it. Well who the fuck would want to take something from a man who types like CAPTAIN NIPSALOT? I'm glad you asked, ladies and gentlemen, because it allows me introduce our first challenger. Guess who finally got his lazy ass back from Indiana. Took ya long enough. I mean what the hell, did you walk the whole way here?...

So what's the first thing our good ol' buddy Lucifer decides to do upon reaching his destination? After that bitch-fit he threw in his post, one might expect him to come straight for me and kick my ass, right? No, of course not. He decides to ambush Doc and try to steal the package. Why? Fuck if I know. I'll be sure to ask him as soon as... well, I'm getting ahead of myself here. So he jumps Doc, catching her off-guard and actually manages to abscond with the goods. At this point it perhaps becomes evident the wisdom of not entrusting such a delivery to the postal service. I mean, I could be wrong, but I don't think postmen typically react to mail-thieves by attacking them with a knife. And hypodermic needles. Lucy wasn't expected to have the tables turned, and after a brief struggle, he gets his ass knifed. And injected with shit. Oh, the lawlz!

That's quality TV right there.

If you will allow me to continue, you shall learn that this was not to be the only spot of trouble our intrepid courier would run into. Oh no. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to our second challenger. Re-introduce that is, as it's someone I'm sure you all remember well. He's loyal, determined, hunts Slenderproxies, and has all sorts of other undesirable traits. Yeah, it's that CRUSADER asshole that was following me before and who is the reason I ended up in Wyoming in the first place. He apparently was not lying about having tracked me down. Well, he made to the right town anyway. I still don't know the fucker's name, so I'm just gonna call him Douchebag. Sounds appropriate don't you all agree?

Douchebag goes for the Doc, but it seems that one ambush was enough for one day, 'cause she was able to dodge him this time. Not that he was gonna give up. "I AM CRUSADERDOUCHE! IT IS MY SACRED DUTY TO RID THE WORLD OF ALL SUITS AND THOSE WHO WORSHIP THEM!" I imagine he was yelling something like that during the fight. He did manage to shoot the Doc apparently, though I hear he got his shit fucked up pretty bad as well. Then who should return to the fray but Lucy, pumped full of so many tranquilizers that one wonders how he's even standing. But does that deter him? Seriously, didn't I just say he was returning to the fray? Open your damn ears and you might hear something, sheesh. Time for a sexy three-way it seems.

At this point, it's just amazing that this has gone on as long as it has, but it couldn't last forever. After that whole police shooting thing, they've been on high alert or something, so naturally somebody (eventually) noticed there were three lunatics trying to kill each other in the street. Honestly, that's just incompetence. A few cops surrounded them and started yelling and at this point my sources become blurry, but it seems Doc managed to slip away before they started shooting. Or maybe the crazy lady running off is what they started shooting at? I don't know. I imagine Douchebag managed to get away since I've not heard anything about that. What I have heard about is that Lucifer got his drugged-up ass thrown in jail. Who's the idiot now, huh, you little bitch?

Well, Doc continues onwards to the dropoff point, y'know, the place I was not at. Oh, but interesting twist: I was there and I was waiting for her to arrive. I don't know how that happened, because like I mentioned before, I was in the hotel enjoying me some Smokey and the Bandit. However I ended up at the dropoff, it made me miss the end of the movie, so I'm kinda pissed.

Okay, okay, let's wrap this thing up, eh? So I'm suddenly standing there all confused like, when Doc shows up lookin' like hell and shoves the package at me. Then she starts talking really fast, relating to me all the details about what happened on her way there. She actually had me interested, with the distant look in her eye, the blood dripping from her sleeve into a puddle on the ground. She kind of stuttered as she told her story and her face was all pale like the blood was all drained out of it. I'm not gonna lie, it was kinda hot.

So I was gonna offer to let her chill back at the pad so's she could recover a bit. After all, I am nothing if not a gentleman. But she cut me off saying something about how she needed to cut our meeting short (I think she'd been talking for about twenty minutes at that point) and that she had to run off. And well, she ran off. I was amazed she could even stand, let alone move that quickly.

And now ladies and gents, it is time for the unveiling. What was this incredibly important thing that was so important that I was moved outside and across town to retrieve it from the zombie of a deliverydoctor? It's a book. A fucking book. How is this supposed to help me? I don't know, I can't even read the damned thing. I'm pretty sure this isn't even a human language in here. This whole ordeal is retarded, I even considered apologizing to Doc for having to waste her time with this shit. Oblivion, we need to meet face to face. So I can hit your face. The fuck is wrong with you?

For that matter, what the fuck is wrong with everybody? I should go nab Lucifer from the jail. Eh, he can spend the night there, I'll get him tomorrow. Or whenever I feel like it. I think I might just go for a stroll through the park tomorrow. Maybe kidnap some people, I don't know. Depends on my mood.

Remain chillin' my peeps, I'll catch you all later. And hopefully the next time things are going apeshit, I shall be the one causing it.

Who the fuck is Rhodes?

So maybe it wasn't all that smart to just follow the advice of some random proxy I ain't never met before, even if it was to stop Konie-dawg from retrieving Zero's sword. 'Cause, y'know, I'm much cooler and more deserving of having a sword. Well, even so, I did attempt to not fall into the realms of dumbassery again, but it seems fate has other ideas.

Y'all probably wonderin' what the hell I'm goin' on about now, ain't ya? So, what happens is, I get a message from some proxy calling himself Rhodes, says that Konaa's managed to track down where Zero's sword ended up and is heading to go get it. He says he needs me to go and stop him, and then doesn't really explain why exactly or what the hell is going on. Well, I don't know what the hell was going on, but I wasn't about to let that twat get that sword. So it was off to Indiana! Wonderful. I open up the good ol' Path of Black Leaves and stroll on through, and soon enough there I am in Indian-Land-City, though I can't say as I saw too many Indians there. Must've headed back to India.

Anyhow, Rhodes had given me directions to that forest outside the city where the sword was and so it was to there I made my journey. Eventually I found the damn forest and after a bit of wandering around I stumbled upon my dear friend Konie-dawg with the sword. I made my presence known by requesting that he hand the sacred blade over to more capable hands, which he of course refused with a side of 'God dammit, how the fuck are you here? Fuckfuckfuck, fuckity fuck fuck fuck.' Then he just kind of went on swearing for a little bit, that fucking pottymouthed little twatbastard. After a while I had to interrupt him 'Yo Konie-dawg, ease off huh? Don't make me have to wash yo mouth out with bleach.' Then he just kind of stared at me like a dumbass so I made a move for the sword and he moved out of the way, so I took out my knife. Then the cops showed up.

Yeah, there were police. And you wanna know who fucking called the police? Well, so would I. Wasn't the little bitch anyway, cause they yelled something about arresting both of us. For drug trafficking, WTF? Oh but wait. It gets even better. Then these other dudes wearing trenchcoats and masks showed up. And start shooting at me and Konaa, which of course gets the cops to start shooting at them and suddenly we're stuck in the middle with bullets flying all around. In other circumstances, I might have found that enjoyable, but Konie-bitch was high-tailing it out of there with my sword. I had managed to jump out of the way but some of those gun-happy bastards were following me and my old pal had run off in the opposite direction. So much for the sword, dammit. Well, I was stuck with more pressing matters at the time, like police, gun-happy trenchcoat/mask-wearing weirdos, and what appeared to be the ghost of Marie Antoinette.

Hoping to keep my skin intact for many more days of fun, I retreated from the shootout. One of those weird trenchcoat dudes came after me and I promptly said hello with my gun. Sonabitch was quick, but eventually I got him in the knee when he stopped. 'Course if I had been paying attention to WHY he had stopped... yeah, that might have been a good idea. I SAW DEAD PEOPLE! No, but seriously, I SAW DEAD PEOPLE! IN SUITS! Rubbery, dried-out looking, old farts in business suits, trying to steal Master's fashion statements I think, waddling through the trees towards us. Now if I had indeed realized that 'hey, crazy mofo chasing me through woods suddenly stops, something up must be' then I might not have ran right into them. Instinctively, I shot one of them in the face. Unfortunately, that was my last bullet, but luckily I always have my knife with me, so I stabbed one in the heart and made a swift slash into another one's neck, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE!

They were upon me and once I was in their clutches they began to drain my life force leaving me as a dried-out empty old husk. Or something, I don't really know, but it felt nasty so I stabbed and shit and eventually managed to fight my way out and continue running aimlessly through the forest. There were weird sounds and some psychedelic lookin' lights that tried to tempt ol' Uncle Riddles into recreational drug use, but never fear! I perservered and made it through the jungle! Well, actually I blacked out somewhere along the line and then woke up back in the city. So in short, what. the. fuck. was all that?

It's Rhodes' fault, apparently. I suspected as much, Konaa's too dumb to stage something like that. Weird trenchcoat people are apparently some kind of... secret organization. How trite. Fucktards. And in possibly unrelated matters, I am now stuck in Indianapolis. I appear to be unable to access the Path now. So I'll be waiting for Lucifer to come pick me up (I called Archy but he's busy with I don't even fucking know anymore). Until he arrives, I figure I may as well have some fun being in an actual city again, since my little trip to Boston was all filled up with business matters. Mostly. I'm sure y'all remember how that turned out right?

It was fucking awesome!

Anyways, I'm gonna be chillin' I guess, do whatever it is people do in Indianapolis. I wouldn't know, but I guess I'll figure it out.

Stay frosty, my peeps, Uncle Ridley is always watching.

When the World Bleeds

Okay, so what the hell is this? This shit's closing in now, you say, what the hell is this shit?

I TOLD YOU, IT IS THE BLEEDING OUT OF LUCIFER. REALITY HAS BECOME FRACTURED. THERE MANY BREAKING POINTS, BUT ONE IN PARTICULAR THAT IS OF INTEREST TO YOU.

What? That creepy fucking building? Fuck that shit, man, I ain't goin' back into that place again. There's at least one time-displaced psycho in there who wants me dead.

CAUSALITY MUST BE RESTORED.

I don't know what the hell that means, but allow me to repeat. Fuck. That. Shit.

VERY WELL THEN, YOU SHALL BE REJOINED TO THAT SNIVELLING HUSK YOUR MASTER LEFT YOU AS. WHEN YOU HAPPEN TO PULL YOUR MIND BACK TOGETHER, DO KEEP IN TOUCH.

Man, the hell with you, nigga. I dont' need your fucking help, I can fix my broken ass mind all by my DAMN self. And keep the fuck away from my new little friend. I have plans for her when I get back for good.

YOU DO PLACE TOO MUCH IMPORTANCE ON YOURSELF. THERE ARE OTHERS. I WOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT ASSHOLE FRIEND OF YOURS IF I COULD GET INSIDE HIS HEAD. ARROGANT OLD BASTARD. NOW, PROCEED, ON YOUR WAY TO OBLIVION.

Oooh, you're quoting kids' movies now, I'm shaking in my fucking boots. Kiss my black ass. Hey, woah, what the fuck, bro? Tthiss is.. whatt hte hell aer you doing, son of a bitch dont even yrt master riddles iss  goood  boy wyh  ffor goes u to keepe ]unsih8ng ridlletyy674ieh FUCK no, i aint fucking doing this shit again I ain't gonna let you fucking dooo htis tto ne... koniedawf riddle no   want nkill uyo n morrre pelase we be  friemdw nnoe ues/// plea  be  grirnd   fo 4id;eh yes/? burn it, fucking burn the damn thign nnnngghhhhhhlk;kl;;ll;l;d                   fifi and archy adn maadi und lucfer end dolly eeend  messi aand caper and twinkeltwniklelittlestar nnd kona  nud arky amd reddie dna robbie hda jayjay 4nd lainey abd zer0 and jay ND PHANTSAM NAD HE5 SPOOOKY LIL BRAt     ndd riddlemerid dlemeriddle me this
riddles will kill all tthat will be killed but those that die cant be saved by time so tell me chillins tell me true does uncle riddles come to kill you//?

68 65 72 65 20 69 73 20 77 69 73 64 6f 6d

ffather yes son i want to kill you

By the Master...

What the fuck ARchangel?

Where the fuck are you? What was that? What the hell did you do?

I can see her now. But she's only in my head right? C'mon you were just making this shit up and...
what the fuck was that?

The black masked guy, adn Lucifer and all shit everything fukctittitififjp9opkm yn8raim hflkghasfdlhkfa;hfff



Dead men tell no tales. We have come to terms.

So uh, yeah...

I'm sure y'all have seen this by now. Didn't comment on it the other day because... wait, except I did, I mentioned Phantasm and Cross and... fuck, hold on peeps

Shit, my head. I don't fucking know, I don't remember reading that before, but then it's like I already knew about what was going on. Who the fuck keeps posting this shit? I managed to get ahold of Othello at the Ark. So basically, this is what he says went down:

Cross had arrived a few days earlier, returning from his business over in Europe, stopping by to chill until he received the rest of his new orders, which he refused to tell anyone about. Now Cross is a rather secretive dude, and he don't normally hang with the rest of us, we really only see him on the rare occasion that his business brings him through someplace like the Ark. Phantasm was tired of his shit and wanted to know what the hell he was doing there. Othello blocked him from escaping while Phantasm punched him in the face. Cross got pissed and jumped at her, Othello grabbed him first and tossed him across the room. Cross drew his sword (yeah, the guy walks around with a sword), manages to stab Othello and then slice Phantasm before bolting. Phantasm's dead, apparently he fucked her up pretty good. Othello's unique situation saved him though he's got Gatsby on security duty for a while. He doesn't know what the hell happened to Cross after he left. But I do have an idea of what he may have been after, Archangel knew more than he was telling us when Lucifer showed up and I think he knows something about this too, so I'ma hafta check that out.

Now other things. It seems he really dont know anything about Lucifer or the Black eyed kids, though he was there with us when we took Lucifer's ass down. And since Archy ain't answerin' my calls, I'll be headin' back up to Maine with my two captives. And a couple of ma boys, backup is probably a good idea, no?

I still have Archy's hypothesis to test out, and Othello says the thing is still safely hidden away, so it just awaits my arrival with the final pieces. I have high expectations for all kinds of time travel-induced space-time fuckery to occur, I'd better not be disappointed.

Uncle Ridley is on the road again  bitchez. Oh shit, I'd better pick up something for the Princess too on the way back, don't wanna give a bad first impression. Well, first impression in person, we've talked and she loves me, I want to make sure to keep that up. Normally people don't seem that keen on me for reason.

I know, I just don't understand it either.

Stay frosty. We'll be comin' for ya.