Baby, You Can Drive My Car

You can drive my car just as much as you like.

So after I got out of that loop Doc stuck me in, I decided to fuck up some of his plans a bit. He had some eldritch locations set up around places to be used for black magick ceremonies and shit. I decided they had a bit of an evil, depressed feeling about them, so I got myself some holy water, sprinkled it around, and now they're just the happiest places. Completely useless for dark voodoo Nazi magick, but one can't have everything.

After fucking around a bit with that, I decided it would be a good idea to figure out where I was. As it turns out, I somehow ended up in Saskatchewan. Feeling nauseous in the grotesque, sickeningly-not-American Canadian air, I quickly leapt onto the Trail of Ebony Foliage, waved good-day to a certain young Jewish man stabbing bushes behind the arcade, and leapt off, arriving back in Chicago.

It's quite an interesting thing to see when those boys in Fisk's unit actually do their job right. No trace that either Jonas or my people were ever here. Now that is what I call a job well done. If only all of us were as dedicated to doing a good job. At least half the time.

Cadence and Arpeggio got reassigned after I 'disappeared.' Not sure what happened to Hazendorf and Death's Head. I'm going to check in with the local adminstration office and see about getting myself a new squad. And learn exactly why I was never informed about the weekly newsletter (thank you Freedomcaged, for bringing this to my attention). Doc said he was looking for me, but honestly I'd have thought he'd already be here. I still don't really know what's going on, but you know what? I'm tired of this shit. It's time to fucking party.

Stay frosty. And keep an eye out, we're always watching.

Tangled abstract fallacy; random turmoil builds in me

I'm not really completely sure what's going on.

So Doc thinks I'm slacking off. Or hiding shit. Whatever, he can just go fuck himself because fuck him.

Now y'see, what had happened was, we go down to Salieri's to, y'know, kick some ass, take some names, maybe steal the bossman's membership card to the country club. They stopped letting me in there when they found out the guy who was letting us in had died a couple weeks back. And my game has been suffering for it, I really need to get back on the green and practice. But that is neither here nor there, let us get back on topic.

But anyway, I'll try to make this quick, since some people apparently are lazy and can't be bothered to read all of the oh-so-long posts that I make. Since we already found out that Salli was able to pinpoint where we opened the Path, and his muggle security systems where top-notch, we decided to take a different approach. We called back Doc. None of us knows where the hell he gets his voodoo powers from, and we figured nobody else would either. So we thought it'd be safe to send him in.

While in the course of breaking and entering, Doc managed to track down just exactly the information we needed. What intelligence we had managed to gather seemed to indicate that Salli had been putting a lot of time into a secret little pet project; even moreso since that first disaster. So that was what Doc went to check out. And a good thing he did too. Upon cracking into the records for the project Doc was astonished to find information of a most compromising nature. For our side!

In those files was contained forbidden knowledge of the most vile and disgusting sort imaginable. There were methods for evading and escaping the Big Man, including ways to sense when He was around and ways to hide oneself from His vision. It even held descriptions of certain mystical items and weapons which could be used to harm Him. All manner of horrible and appalling things. It was thought that all such information had been destroyed not long after the initial reports about the Big Man were leaked onto the web. There was an incident early you see, where one of the bloggers stumbled onto the information from a previous hunted who had stolen it from one of those stupid cults. Luckily, neither of them had really known how to properly use the information and they were taken care of and the blog passed off as a failed ARG attempt. 'Cause that was how we rolled back then.

This sick and perverted knowledge was of course quickly destroyed for good. It did prove useful, however, in providing us with the information we needed to bypass Salli's bypassing of the perception filter, turn it back on him, break in, kill his guards, and get into his office. He was not so pleased to see us just barge in on him like that. Now, our goal from the beginning had been to kill Salli. That was after all why Jonas hired us. Or so we thought. However, there was still one piece missing. It seems that Salli had actually gotten his hands on one of those mystical weapons I mentioned above. We had to get our hands on that as well, naturally, and for this end Doc brought Madi back. He had been training her the ways of bullshit Nazi voodoo bullshit and felt it was time to give her a chance to test her skills.

And Archy kind of insisted we bring her. Because he just calls up and gives us random orders sometimes, whatever. Of course, something got fucked up, the twins ended up shooting Salieri before Doc could get the information he wanted, and Madi, along with two of my boys from the old squad, were killed by guards. We managed to get the artifact and get out, but Doc wasn't too happy about Glorianna trying to get rid of him like she did. But it wasn't all bad. We got back the weapon and destroyed it. And because I asked Him very nicely, Slendy Bendy killed Jonas for me. You don't need to know why, just because you love me.

All things considered, I'd say it wasn't nearly so bad as Doc made it out to be. Legacy didn't even turn up like we'd half-expected him to do, and another day without being chased by death is a good one in my Book.

Did that go on too long? Tough shit.

Hey. Been a while ya'll. Fingers crossed folks, I just might be able to get out for a spell if I can time this right. Keep it frosty peeps.

Hey hey hey, I just found my way...

...All you stupid fuckers walk around astounded and drownin'

Yeah! I'm free! Free once again to breathe the air of the normal world where there are not monsters and crazed beasts around every corner. Here where the monsters are inside the closet and under the bed where they belong. Except for Neil Young, who somehow is still able to walk around freely in public. I've had things less frightening than that try to eat me.

It looks like several of the posts I made while inside the office on Ash Tree Lane didn't go through. And some of those that are there, I don't recall writing. There appear to also be some holes in what's up there, but fuck it, I can't be bothered to figure out what is and is not there. I'm free motherfuckers! Hide your wife, hide your kids!

Okay, maybe just the basics. We got inside the building, Roulette was gonna do whatever he was gonna do with the Book, but Sullivan betrayed us and killed Roulette. As he tried to make off with the Book, his 'associates' the Crimson Templars (or something stupid like that) arrive and we have a big fight, get separated, I get lost inside the place and fun times are had by all. Eventually I meet up again with Cadence and then Arpeggio and Madi. Oh, there was also my little encounter with Legacy and my other little encounter with the Dying Man. Finally we wind up in the lobby and are about to leave, when Legacy stops us. Then Sullivan and his assholes show up. Legacy has the Book with him and Sullivan requests that he return it to them. There was something about requiring the power it holds if they are to resurrect their savior. Sorry bro, but I just can't in good conscience allow you bring about L. Ron's return.

Sullivan pulls out his gun and points it at Legacy, and in response Cadence levels his rifle at Sullivan. Another one of the knights pulls a gun on him; Arpeggio pulls two guns and aims one at the knight and one at red trenchcoat bitch, who I think is the leader of this pretentious Redlight wannabe gang. And so it goes. By the time all is said and done, I myself have no less than three projectile weapons aimed at my person, including what appears to be a grenade launcher, while, having lost my second pistol somewhere along the way, I am left pointing but a single gun at some random mook. I was extremely disappointed that I didn't even get to fire at somebody important, but what can you do? I also, in the middle of the insanity, took notice of the fact that some of the knights were pointing guns at each other. Musta had a falling out. So, there's four of us, Legacy, about a dozen or so motherfuckers, and about thirty guns. We got quite the Mexican standoff goin' on here, is what I'm gettin' at.

Those crazy Mexicans and their silly Australian gunfights.

But as fun as it is just sittin' around and pointing guns at one another, at some point somebody has to actually do something. In this case it wasn't any of us. There's a crack, some black leaves blowing in the breeze and the front doors open wind. In walks this dude, just as natural as if he were entering his own fucking living room, dressed in torn jeans and a black hoodie. He's got the hood pulled up and his head down, so we can't see his face, and he just strolls in, not seeming to take heed of the twenty or so pissed off motherfuckers with firearms only a couple yards off.

The newcomer stops and turns his head toward Legacy, who nods, and then this woman walks in, who is very clearly the Dying Man's new host, what with her missing eye, her sunken-in cheeks, the way the flesh on her face is kind of peeling off, the way her voice sounds like Satchmo. Yeah, blow your horn, Louie. The woman walks over to Legacy and takes the Book from him, the sound of a gun being fired is heard, and that's all it takes for everything to go absolutely batshit. Bullets flying every which way, people going down, me cutting out a dude's throat after he shot me in the left shoulder. Jegus, I got a crate dropped on it, got shot there before, got my arm cut open, got my hand broken... please, for the love of God, if you're going to attack me in the arm, can you please go for the right side? I don't think the left one can sustain much more shit happening to it.

So the smoke clears, some folks are dead, including Legacy it looks like. Of course the little demon twins are somehow perfectly fine, creepy little fucks. Hoodie guy is standing in the middle of the room, a bloodied sword in one hand, the Book in the other. It was at this point that I saw the Operator Symbol on the back of his hoodie. Black hoodie... Operator symbol... shows up in the middle of crazy shit goin' down... Hey, I know who this guy is!

"Hey, motherfucker, I thought you was supposed to be studying and shit. You keep saying that's why you can't update your blog!"

He turns around. "Hey, you try writing up an essay about the existential dynamics of space-time manipulation by extradimensional horroterrors without stealing a tome of eldritch lore or two and see how far you get."

"So how come you ain't dead right now? That's how these incidents usually end, ain't it?"

"That's just silly. If I were dead, I couldn't be waxing my car while fighting Nazis in Brazil?"

"...Huh?"

"Sorry I don't have time to talk, but I am a very busy man. There are papers to write and dark magick to read up on."

And with that he was gone. Once again, my hospitality is ignored, as another one just leaves without staying to have drinks. What's this world coming to? So with that... encounter finished, I realized hey, who the hell else is still around? We didn't find any knights still breathing, so I collected my peeps and we got the hell out of there. It's really been two fucking weeks since we went in there? What the fuck? I know it felt like we were there forever, but really I figured it couldn't have been more than a week. Stupid fucked up bullshit mindfuckering, asswiping, time-distorting, space-warping, dimensional bleeding structure of corporate whatever, I'm tired of this now.


It's been a long ride, my peeps. A mindfucked motherfucker with teh magick powerz, fucking Wyoming, a teenage girl getting too involved in an internet myth, H.P. Lovecraft's Book of Bedtime Stories, couriers, revenants, cultists, Fears, motherfucking Omega... What the hell? That's all I can say really, just- just, what the hell?

With Legacy and Roulette and most of the rest of the team gone, I guess that means I'm leader now! W00t!! Naw, just fucking with y'all. That shit's boring, and it gets far too political for my tastes. Anyway, we got places to get our asses to right now. Before the higher ups start pissing and moaning about all the shit that's gone down. If they think I'm filling out any goddamn paperwork they obviously haven't been keeping in touch with my insurance agency.

Life is fucking good motherfuckers! Stay frosty ladies and bros. Hopefully we'll have some kind of new job soon and more ridiculous and stupid shit to regale you all with. Because we've all been having a just wonderful time with all that thus far, haven't we?

Yeah, I know you fucking have.

IHe really shouldn't have done that.
Roulette's a real motherfucker, ain't he? I apologize, I don't know what came over me. Lettin' that asswipe write on my blog, I musta been high. Actually, that's not an entirely improbable... thing that could've happened. I think the psychotic bitch has been slippin' shit into my drinks. She totally wants me. I'd be flattered normally, but with her there's a very likely possibility that I'd wake up in the morning and find myself dead. Dead Ridleys are the enemy. We don't like dead Ridleys.

All you violent, insane, proxy-killing runners can just shut the fuck up. Nobody likes you. That's how we're different. I have fans. You jelly.

But let's get into the meat of the story, shall we. The reason I'm here now. Legacy's missing. He went out to take care of some business a few days ago and nobody's seen him since. We've noticed that the guy stalking us has been coming closer since Legacy's been gone. Death's Head went psycho (well for her I guess that's really completely normal) and went out after him. This time he actually stuck around to fight her. Or rather, he stuck around to let her beat the shit outta him. She got real excited when he didn't react at all to getting stabbed in the chest. Thought that meant she'd get to fuck him up pretty bad before he finally bit it. And she proceeded to do so pretty well; but when he still didn't react at all to anything she did, she started gettin' pissed. Then he knocked her to the ground.

By this time, Roulette had gone out after her. He's appointed himself leader in Legacy's absence and said he couldn't let the bitch get out of control. Bit late for that, but alright. Roulette punches the guy, but gets thrown down like he was a dummy. I thought this shit had gone on too long and decided that a shot right between the eyes would serve as a nice finish to things. I would've done so too, but the dude looks up at me then and... well fuck, I just couldn't move. There was something with his eyes. They were just wrong, not human. His face was wrong too, though that could've just been the fact that he'd been stabbed there several dozen times. Except that he wasn't bleeding, least not that I could see. I heard the fucker laugh and then I wake up to find myself dead thrown unceremoniously up against the wall of Legacy's office where the rest of the folk were meeting about stuff.

We're going to have to alter the plan now. I think I know which one of these fuckers is sending off information to the Order. If I can just manage to gather enough energy to get out...

I caught the gist of it. The dude appeared inside the complex, outside the room where Legacy locked up the Book. Cadence and Arpeggio were on guard duty and saw him just walk in and then jump out the window before they could do anything. Oh, and there's just one other small matter. Really, not hardly worth mentioning. He's dead. Jumped out the window, it was the third floor, he went splat. Roulette checked over the body, because I guess being an ex-assassin somehow makes you a certified coroner, and he says the guy's been dead for at least a week. When I said he went splat, he really did. The body's already got a couple weeks worth of decaying done, and there's hardly a drop of blood left in it.

With these bits of solid evidence, we believe we now know the identity of our mysterious stalker friend. It's just lovely really how-

I found my friends; they're in my head

So I'm sure y'all have seen my last post already. If you haven't, shame on you for not keeping up with my blog! As if anything in your own life could possibly be more interesting than what's going on in mine! I mean that's why blogging was invented in the first place, so that all you dull, uninteresting people can read about those of us with better lives. So quit jerking off to reality TV and read about some real reality. Real reality, heh.

I digress. So I'm sure y'all have seen my last post already. I think I kinda went a little batshit fucking crazy. Because Madi not only shot a police officer, she SHOT A POLICE OFFICER WHILE STANDING IN FULL VIEW OF ABOUT A HALF-DOZEN OTHER POLICE OFFICERS. Did I make that clear enough? Oh, but wait. I didn't get to the best part yet. She also GOT PHOTOGRAPHED BY THE FUCKING NEWSPAPER. That's right, now everyone in town can know what the cop-murdering bitch looks like. And of course there was that other gruesome scene only a few days ago. What was that again? Something about some teenager being ripped open and dumped on some other teenager's front step? Eh, it'll come to me eventually.

Anyway yeah, they're connecting her to that as well. Which I guess isn't technically incorrect. She is connected to it. But I'm having a bit of a moral dilemma about the whole thing. I mean I'm not really comfortable letting someone else take the credit for my work. Then again, I'm not really comfortable with the idea of prison and uninvited man-sex, either. I'm havin' a real problem with this whole thing, homies.

Then there's the fact that she claims she doesn't remember doing it at all. According to her, she fell asleep back in the hotel while I was on stake-out duty and woke up outside, well I'll get to that. I'm actually kind of inclined to believe her. Besides the obvious fact that even I'm not that fucking retarded, there's the fact that she just disappeared right in front of them. Uh, sorry, did I forget to mention that too? Yeah, someone shot back at her and she ran off with a couple cops in pursuit. They wind up in an alley, Madi runs through a door, which she closes behind her; the police come right up, open the door and find- a vast empty warehouse. All huge and open, echo-y and shit, so nowhere she could of hidden herself. She was just gone.

Of course when I became aware of the situation (which was about right when it happened... 'cause like I said, I was on stake-out duty) I went off after her, careful to remain hidden using my mysterious methods for remaining unseen by muggles. About an hour later I found her asleep a little ways outside town, next to some old barn. She claims she only remembers being at the hotel and then me waking her up next a barn outside of town. It sounds to me like the Empty City, but she couldn't have used it on her own. She's not technically a servant of TallDarkSlender, so by all rights the City should just eat her if she was by herself. Which would imply that one of the other entities was involved. How about that 'OBLIVION' fella, he seems to be able to do some wicked shit. I'm awfully suspicious of the fucker.

And now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to fix this. Let the good times roll.

Oh hey, y'all see Entry #49? Fuck yeah! Kralie might look like a real pussy, but I always knew he was a total badass! Blood and brains being beaten out, that's what I like to see. And he always threw the best damn parties, too. Shame he hasn't been around lately. Probably off getting drunk at the Ark, the lucky bastard.

Stay frosty, y'all.

EDIT: My my, how absent minded of me, I almost forgot about this little number that was left in the comments:

"So, how are you doing Mr. Chapman? Taking care of yourself, I hope? I thought I'd stop by for a visit. You're always extending an invitation for people to come see you, after all. We really must catch up, mustn't we?"

From our Crusader friend. How lovely. Bet you think you're real cute, don't you? I don't even wanna know how you found out that name. I can think of a few ways you could've done it, and most of them mean Imma have to kill you.

Okay, you caught me, I was gonna kill you anyway, but now I might have to stretch it out so I can enjoy it longer. If you really are in town, you'd better keep extra frosty asshole.

Updates and shit

I shot Cross in the face. Bastard tried to sneak up on me an' jack mah blog? I don't think so!

So yeah, shit's been taken care of. It's a good day I think.

Stay frosty, mah peeps. Uncle Ridley loves you all and hopes to come see you as soon as he can.

Fuck you Archy

What the fuck man, really ya couldn't just call me to tell me that? Y'know, cause I was fucking driving an shit? If not for the fact that Glorianna happened to stumble across it while reading through my bookmarks we never woulda caught it. Seriously bro, what the motherfuck?

Anywho, yeah we did run into crazy masked guy at that rest stop and he did indeed try to attack us. Luckily, we had Archangel's shittily planned (shittily? that sounds weird) warning and were ready for the dickhole. Zeon saw him lurking around, waiting for us, and snuck up behind the fucker to knock him out with a tire iron. We took his mask off and, lo and behold... we have no damn clue who this fucktard is. Really, I have never seen this ugly face before in my life, so I don't know who the hell this is messing with us like this. But if he's really been around since way back like Archy said and he seems to know how to find us, this is the second time he's managed to show up like this, then he must know something. And we all know what to do with people who know things they won't tell, don't we? Mwhahahahahahahah!

Oh, and another thing Archy, go fuck yourself. Shit, Lucifer was part of some plan by the Master. That crazy nigga got all inside my head and moved shit around and shit. And shit. Not like I made it difficult, I know what with going all off the deep end and followin' Red's orders to kill and all that. But fuck man, y'all coulda let me in on shit, I can keep secrets. Fuck, I don't hafta ta tell these asshats nothing. Work with me, dawg, work with me.

Enough of that shit. We're here at the Ark. Talked with Othello, had some drinks, raised a glass to good ol' Phantasm. She never did like putting up with my shit, but she was a good comrade. Wonder who's gonna run this shtick here with Maalik and her both gone now. Oh, and the kid. Salem's about like we expected, the same creepy blank expression as always, didn't react at all to finding out that dear old mom was dead. I really don't know what's up with that kid, I mean fuck. Eh, whatever, don't really matter now, do it?

Anyway, I should get back to torturing this fucktard. Masks, honestly. What is it with the Chosen who wear masks all the time anyway, you idiots stand out like a gangster at a Beethoven concert. Heh, that was fun. But dumbasses. Even I can manage to not be that stupid. Yes, Koney-dawg, I admit to my stupidity and carry on, fuck you.

Stay frosty peeps. As always, we're watching.

So uh, yeah...

I'm sure y'all have seen this by now. Didn't comment on it the other day because... wait, except I did, I mentioned Phantasm and Cross and... fuck, hold on peeps

Shit, my head. I don't fucking know, I don't remember reading that before, but then it's like I already knew about what was going on. Who the fuck keeps posting this shit? I managed to get ahold of Othello at the Ark. So basically, this is what he says went down:

Cross had arrived a few days earlier, returning from his business over in Europe, stopping by to chill until he received the rest of his new orders, which he refused to tell anyone about. Now Cross is a rather secretive dude, and he don't normally hang with the rest of us, we really only see him on the rare occasion that his business brings him through someplace like the Ark. Phantasm was tired of his shit and wanted to know what the hell he was doing there. Othello blocked him from escaping while Phantasm punched him in the face. Cross got pissed and jumped at her, Othello grabbed him first and tossed him across the room. Cross drew his sword (yeah, the guy walks around with a sword), manages to stab Othello and then slice Phantasm before bolting. Phantasm's dead, apparently he fucked her up pretty good. Othello's unique situation saved him though he's got Gatsby on security duty for a while. He doesn't know what the hell happened to Cross after he left. But I do have an idea of what he may have been after, Archangel knew more than he was telling us when Lucifer showed up and I think he knows something about this too, so I'ma hafta check that out.

Now other things. It seems he really dont know anything about Lucifer or the Black eyed kids, though he was there with us when we took Lucifer's ass down. And since Archy ain't answerin' my calls, I'll be headin' back up to Maine with my two captives. And a couple of ma boys, backup is probably a good idea, no?

I still have Archy's hypothesis to test out, and Othello says the thing is still safely hidden away, so it just awaits my arrival with the final pieces. I have high expectations for all kinds of time travel-induced space-time fuckery to occur, I'd better not be disappointed.

Uncle Ridley is on the road again  bitchez. Oh shit, I'd better pick up something for the Princess too on the way back, don't wanna give a bad first impression. Well, first impression in person, we've talked and she loves me, I want to make sure to keep that up. Normally people don't seem that keen on me for reason.

I know, I just don't understand it either.

Stay frosty. We'll be comin' for ya.

Boston

Fuck Boston, man, this town is bullshit. My peeps have been hard at work trailing those two bastards for me. They're keepin' to public areas, crowded places. Mighty unsporting of them, isn't it? If this keeps up we may have to resort to some rather drastic measures to get them moving again... then again, I do have that nice sniper rifle I got from that soldier a while back, could just blow the fuckers away while safely on the rooftops. Heh, safe on the rooftops, stupid runners.

In the meantime I had decided to look up some pal of mine. Y'all know this guy, dontcha? Well, maybe you don't, but he's been fucking around tryin' to get all up in the Princess' business. I figured hey, I'm in Boston anyway, this son a bitch needs taught a lesson, and I need to hit someone. It's like God himself just handed me the perfect opportunity here. So I track him down, and this dumbass is nice enough to be walking around out in some empty construction zone so's we can conduct our business in private. I do love a team player. I call out to him and he turns around with the dumbest look on his face, asks me who I am. Well I'm all like, "Hey now dawg, you know me right, I mean I thought we were real close man. It's me, yo favorite frosty troll, Uncle Riddles. Now c'mon an gimme hug eh?"

Twas only tryin' to be friendly, y'know, but he just stands over there looking like a dumbass. Then he asks me about Storyboy's brother, an I'm just like shoot, I thought we got over this a long time ago peoples, really the little bitch was an irritation and was wasting good air. Whatever, let's move on. I told him how the situation was, the Master is an eternal creature, sometimes he gots to have some lovin'. You don't wanna get in the way of that do you, I mean c'mon on that's just rude. He gets all pissed off then and yells at me, says I should tell Archy to keep away from her. Yeah right. I reminded him then that, even if our glorious Boss, our ever-lovin' Mr. Slender cannot see him, I can still carve you up like a Christmas ham. I decided to be nice for once and make him an offer before I killed him. Come over an' join the party, bro.

He declined, of course, so I was left with no other option now but to go and fuck his shit up. Then he decides to comment about my jacket. I kindly responded by introducing his face to my fist. I follow up with a blow to the ribcage, then one to the stomach. Little pussy tries to hit me back, he ain't lyin' when he says he ain't no fighter. I pound on this asshole for a couple minutes and I'm starting to feel pretty good. All is right in the world, and the stress of work is just melting away. Then he has to be a dickhole and ruin it for me; must've put all his damn strength into that kick, and right on my kneecap too. He bolts into this warehouse nearby, I decide it's time to quit fuckin' around and just gut the loser.

So he actually stuck some shit in front of the door like that would stop me any, I get inside, I'm lookin around for him, and eventually I'm getting pretty tired of this little game of hide n seek. Then I hear this noise from up above and there's a damn crate falling on me. The little bitch knocked a crate over on top of me. Man, that shit probably weighed a few hundred pounds an' you just push it over on me. What the hell, bro? I thought we were cool. Well, it was kinda tight in there so's I couldn't really get completely outta the way and the damn thing just misses my head and comes down on my shoulder. Damn that's not fun, and I think I got shot there not too far back too. Thing's all broken, all outta place and stuff. Didn't even manage to catch the little pussy cause he booked on over to the train then.

So my weekend didn't exactly go as planned. Unfortunate, but whatever. I'm headin' into town later to have a little chat with my prey. Doc says I need to chill, but fuck that.

Stay frosty y'all. We're always watching.