You gotta fight for your right to party

Hey homies, merry fucking New Year to everybody. Sorry I ain't been around much recently, I know it must be hard to have to go so long without hearing my sexy voice through the monitor-text. But it seems that either the shit's hitting the fan or we're Just sitting back and watching paint dry, there is no in-between. What are you gonna do?

So it's 2012 now. End of the world's comin' and all the bullshit. Sweet, as long as it's awesome, I can get behind that. But anyway. I was invited to a New Year's Eve party hosted by what's his name, that Writer dude. I think. To be honest, it wasn't nearly as much fun as I had hoped. I learned something this weekend. Many of my coworkers are unpleasant people. Especially the new Morningstar, he's a real jackass. Much less classy than the original. Most of his squad too. That fucking clown especially is a real bitch. Not everybody was bad though. Nightscream was a great dude; together we got that party started right. And while I didn't have a chance to talk to 'em much, David and Rachael seemed to be thoroughly respectable folks.

Well, we might as well get on with what actually went down. I arrived a bit late, and as such there wasn't really much going on when I arrived. Can't have a party without the R-Man, you know. I think they just didn't know how to do shit right, it looked like tensions were high, but nobody was bleeding yet. So I decided to help get the ball rolling. After retrieving a bottle of the finest something-alcoholic-it-doesn't-really-matter from behind the bar, I went over and gave my good buddy Morningstar a hug. He looked like he needed one. Considering I was only trying to be nice, he was very rude and told me to go fuck myself with a chainsaw. Or something to that effect.

I decided to leave the asshole to his brooding and find somebody with whom I could have a decent chat without them getting their panties all in a bunch. I found a rather well-dressed fellow who turned out to be my good buddy Nightscream. He- err... she? It? was uh, very nice, very nice. A model Slendercorp employee, one whose behavior all should attempt to emulate. It was around here that Newstar started getting all pissy when Screamy (I really do need to think of something else to call 'em though) started making fun of how much of a pussified dick he is compared to his predecessor. Now this was what I had come to see, so naturally I made an attempt to help poke the bear. Also, David got tackled by a psychotic, tiny, Japanese schoolgirl. Or at least, that's what it looked like, so that's the story I'm going with.

Having finished my one bottle, I returned to the bar for another and took a seat. Morningstar then started getting all pissy about Rachael being invited to the party, complaining to that Joseph guy about it. Douche. I stole another bottle and sat next to Nightscream again. Valtiel and Joseph and Rachael were talking about something. I wasn't paying much attention to what exactly, but it was clear anyway that something was about to go down. Finally, damn. I began constructing an improvised incendiary device, you know, in case somebody needed a fire started. About here, Valtiel started burning Rachael and punched out Joseph's throat. Then David went over. Screamy thought it was time for shit to get interesting. I concurred.

Joseph and David (I think, maybe just one of them) did something weird to make Valtiel back off. Rachael pulled out a gun which she pointed at Newstar. Something weird happened and I'm really very confused as to what went down around this point. Nightscream disappeared somewhere, my incendiary device was gone (and sadly, didn't appear to have caught anything on fire), and I was fighting Gleeman. Fucking Joker-wannabe sprayed acid on me!! My trusty jacket blocked it of course, however this seems to have created a bit a er, problem. You see my jacket is very special. On the outside it may appear to be a simple leather jacket, but in reality, it is created with some of the same material as Tall Dark and Slender's suit. Or something similarly. Anyway, the bottom line is, my jacket possesses some odd dimensional features; the most useful of these being that the pockets are larger on the inside. Like a fucking TARDIS.

Anyway, I discovered that that shit really shouldn't be allowed to melt. It most especially won't be allowed to melt while you are still wearing it. Shit is now fused onto my arm it seems. It did not prevent me from winning my fight with Gleeman, however, as I successfully got a bullet or two in the fucker. He ignored them and continued fighting as if nothing had happened, but that is not the point. The point is, I fucking filled one of Newstar's minions full of holes! Mwhahahahahaha!!!1!1!!!1one!!!1

No, but I would've taken the fucker. If... something hadn't happened then that made all of our weapons disappear and shit. The barista did something. Or "Joseph" (I'm sorry, have I been doing that wrong all through here?). Didn't really catch it exactly, I was running at the time. Star's team wussed out then and left, as did Rachael. And really everyone that was still around was just going on about some shit or other, not really that interesting. So I decided to finish the night out with some light binge drinking. I awoke Monday morning on my mom's porch. Son of a bitch, that was certainly fun.

All in all, it was a damn good party. Though it could've been waaaay better. I'm going to suggest some improvements for next year. This year. Whatever.

So that's really it. Wanted to tell ya'll about the party, as I'm sure most of you out there didn't have time to party; what, with the Tall Guy being all on yo' asses and everything. But a happy new year to everyone. The Big Man is what brings us all together, and here's to many more joining our numbers in the new year. Cheers!

Stay frosty.

I know a secret down in Uncle Tom's cabin

So this Book. I guess I'll tell y'all about this thing. Not like I have anything better to do at the moment. No matter what Legacy might say, I see no reason to be so fucking alert all the time. I mean hell, we have been driving through these damn fields for an hour now and we ain't seen another living soul. Might have seen a couple dead ones, I'm not really sure. They could've been hiding.




The Book is called the G̢os̴p͠el͢ of͠ ͡Ec҉cle͡sius̀, also known as the B̴͜͞l҉a̢͘c̸͡k̷͡ To̶͢ḿ̛ę̷ ̸̢o̧f ͟͠͞B͏̶͟y͠z̧͏ant̢́i̷͘ư̴m̡̀, also known as the Ecclesyastical War Journal, also known as the  B̶̲̗̣̺͖̜̫͈̯͈̠͉͍͓̙̜̗̗̑̌ͨ̊̃͑͘͜ͅl̷̢̛̥̖̹̮͕̰̬̣̮̗̽́́ͦͫ̏͒̊͒̊̑͂̊̊̆̿ͦ̎͘a͈͎̹͙̥͓̟̠̱ͫͮ̅̽͂̾ͭ̚͘͢c̢̛̛̞̣̹̮̿̈̐͌̑̌ͫ̈́ͫͤ͗̾̃͝͞k̶̠̹͚̱̲̆̔ͮ͊͌͊̑̐ͧ̊̔̌́ͬ͊͋̿̑̏͜͝w̴͇̪̜̱̝͔̣͈ͩͥ̏̃ͬ̃͢e̢̡̱̜̣̬̺̼͕̻ͨ͑̅́ͮ̆̿̅̂̇̓ͧ͌ͤ̂̃̈́́̚͢͡l̴̮̯͙̜̦̗̫͔͚͈͉̯͉̜͔̬̼̲ͮ̅̃̎ͬ̂̍ͬ̈͗͊ͬ̾͆̕d̴̓̈́͆ͥ̐ͮ̓̊ͥ̅͋ͯͫ̏ͬ́̚҉̶̺̲͚̪͚̤̣͖̦͍e̶͂͊̉ͫ͒̇̌̑͛͢͠҉̱̻͓͖ŗ̷̸̴̷͖͕̬̫̯̳͙̮̱̪̥̖͙̮͖͔̘̗ͮ̌̑͊̋̂͂̑ͅ ̧̼̹̰̯̺͍̰͇̜̉̄̇̑ͩ̒ͬ̌̔̔ͬ͛ͪͩͩ̄͐ͨͩ̕ͅAͥ̾ͣͥͫ͐̊̓͆͏̹̰̻̲̹͈̦̭̪̲̪͇̝̰͟͝r̶͇̻̪̺̞̱͚̟̺̰͓̼͎̤̲̺̆̆̇͗̈̊ͦ̌́ͫͦ̇̈̾ͪ͊̋ͥ̚͝c̴̢̺̖͙͉ͣ̐͊̏̆̐̊͢ͅh̵̷̨̩͙͓͙͚͈̦̦͚͕̓ͯ͆͛ͯ̔̈́ͮͪ̾̚͡į̐ͦͬ̿͛ͩͧ̎͏̴̤̥̫̖͇̖͚͉̼̟̩̦̞̞v̸̡̨͍͓͖̫̙̖̂̈́̍̌̒ͯ͋̏̏͂̀͞e̴̵̙̯̠̤̦͎̲̟͂͛̈́́̎ͧͬ̂̚͡͠͠ also known as the Bitchinest Noodle Cookbook of the Fourth Century Monks, also known as fuck this I stopped listening to him when I realized he was still just listing off different names for the fucking Book. Huh, I keep capitalizing 'Book', I wonder what the hell's up with that? Eh, probably not important. Anyway, eventually mah nigga Legacy here actually got into some useful information. Well, depending on your definition of useful. I guess technically it is relevant to our situation. here. Essentially, what it boils down to is that the book was written by some monks like two thousand years ago in Rome. Not really monks, I guess. I wasn't really paying a whole hell of a lot of attention to this story at this point, because I don't really care all that much about some two thousand year old history. Unless it involves Jesus driving a tank into Jerusalem and demanding the Muslims kiss the asses of the Jews less he unleash his divine tank powered fury upon them. That   w0uld be pre`t_ty b̶o̴̝̯̟̻ͅs:$.

`Fuck dAmmi t% &&&&&&
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 cynnwys y clwb het i ddynion y meistr yn eu caru
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Sorry 'bout that. Legacy's doin' something with the Path and Master just popped in. It's very inconvenient, but what can you do? He has a lot of travelin' to do after all.

Anyway. The part where I began to really become interested was when he started explaining how Oblivion is tied to all this. Wonder where that fucker is, we totally haven't seen him in a while. Apparently Oblivion actually was just a normal guy once upon a time. Then he found this Book. And he became obsessed with studying the thing. Spent many many years just trying to crack the secrets this thing holds. Of course, it drove him mad. And in his madness, the Master came to him. Apparently the Book actually sort of attracts supernatural beings to it, as well as p`eople who are connected to supernatural things, or just spend too much damn time around them. But that only works within kind of a small range. Sort of explains some things, if in a kind of retarded and lazy way, almost as though the person writing the script were getting bored. I think H̷̵́ớm͏̛e̢s͜t̨͜ų̧͢c͏͠k̸
 will still be there tomorrow, asshole. But hey, I'm not one to complain, it makes sense at least, which is more than I can say for a lot of other shit that goes on around here.

So Master finds the dude that would become Oblivion and basically says hey, come and be my bitch and I'll save you from that Evil Book, otherwise Imma fuck you shit up something fiercer, dawg! Oblivion, being the dumbass we all know and really despise, replies with no thanks bro, I got 'dis shit down. Also I use it to keelz you 'cause ugly tall man is must die by Evil Book power! Raeging Justice! Alright, I vastly oversimplified the whole account, but essentially that's what it boils down to: Oblivion turns down the offer to work for Master and then trying to attack Him with a Boo|k. Book Lasers! ZAP! ZAP! The PTC are down now, so I guess we'll need someplace to get our laser fix from anyway. Then Oblivion managed to disappear and they don't know for sure really what actually happened to him after that. Baron Zemo is watching you cook chickenn. He suspects that getting rid of the Book was part of his scheme to shrink black men's dicks because he was jealous of us gettin' all the bitchez. Waitaminute, that may've just been the movie I was watching on TV last night. Nevermind.

I kinda lost track of where I was, so I'll just take this opportunity to transition totally naturally into the next part of the story. The part where I regale you all with tales of all the crazy shit we've been getting into since the last time I updated this stupid blog. (I'm sorry blog, I didn't mean that. I love you. No, please don't make me sleep on the sofa again tonight, I said I was sorry!) Legacy and I caught up with Madi and Lucy in Nebraska. Lucy-boy is one crazy fuck. I'm sure you all knew that, I just thought I'd point that out again. We got the Book back. After Lucifer tore a couple pages out. And tried to set it on fire. And killed a few of Legacy's minions. Fun fun fun. But that was all a day or two before we got there. What happened in the meantime, you \might be wondering? The Book decided to punish Lucifer for assaulting it, so it zapped him with lasers. No, not really. Actually what happened was, when he tried to burn it, the Book did catch on fire. It caught a lot on fire. It sort of became a roaring pillar of flame that engulfed Lucifer and spit him back out, all nice and crispy like a side of ribs and also just like a side of ribs, just a little bit dead. Not that I care or nuthin' but dammit, now the only person I have left here is the maimed girl who was taking orders from a puppet! This is unfuckingacceptable! Legacy's assholes disposed of Lucifer's bod<y, which was starting to ooze black shit and apparently had the scent of burning leaves about it. I guess that's a warning to everyone to not allow Eldritch beings to do things to your person. Legacy hasn't learned his lesson, because, no, he did not notice that he kept bleeding all over the fucking place. He did almost break my nose and cut off my middle finger though. How am I supposed to show people my approval using a one-finger gesture n-- oh wait, I was getting a thumb's up confused with that other thing again, wasn't I? Well, I guess I'm glad to still have my thumb, but it's rather aggravating trying to type with a finger missing. Especially since I continue to overuse words with i's in them. Fuckin' a!

:Legacy's people have been safeguarding the Book to keep other supernaturally-inclined nutjobs from attempting to take similar action. They say all's been well except for a few occasions where they think they saw somebody watching the hideout. Oh, and the night before we arrived when somebody did try to break in and then ran off when they shot at him. Didn''t manage to get a g|limpse at the guy. Whoever it was, I just have this to say: all your base are will belong to us. Make your time. Bit`ch.

What we done been doin' the past last couple days then? Well Legacy's been going over some kind of plan. He says the A̧̫̯̬͇͐͊̈́̉ͪͮ̿͑̈̌ͨ͜͡ŗ̄̍̑ͬ҉̲͉͉̜̗̠̝̩̮̘̗̣̦̞̜͉͎c̛̞͓̳̮̭̭̤̪̠̰̦͇͖͍̩̃͐̃͛͆ͯ͛̀̋ͥ̋̐̎ͬ̓̑͆̚̕͡ͅḣ̵̛̍̿ͨͫ̏ͣ̓̐̍̒̚͏҉̷̪͓̻͚͕̗̝̬̻̥̳͚̹ͅiͮ̐͒ͥ̔ͮ̈̿͏̢̟͇̝̖̣͖͠͠ṽ̵̾ͤ̔͗ͦ̎̒́ͫ̿̍̏̂̽͞͠҉̯͓̳͙͕̦̼̖̖̬̬̖ͅͅͅͅe̔ͭ̊̄͛̌̐̓̀͏̝͎̣͙̱̩͕͕̞̮̘̖̥̳͞ is something we must not allow to fall into enemy hands. They're really takin' this shit seriously, they even brought two more revenants out here, as if they're actually special or something. Aww, so cute. Some creepy ass twins who are snipers. Retarded music names, I can't be bothered to remember. They kinda creep me out though, `all emotionless actin' and shit. Actually all of Legacy's people are kind of creepy. I think they hate me. I'm pretty sure the only reason they ain't killed me is because so far I'm the only person that's been able to read the Book, even if the Book won't let me remember what I read in it. I might have to actually try to not piss them off too much, they already took one of my fingers. Dillholes.

Anyway, plans yes. Just kidding, you didn't really think I'd talk about those on here, did you? I don't believe I've ever done anything stupid like that. On purpose. Not_completely on purpose anyway.

TL;DR: Oblivion went crazy over a Book, got his ass beat by MC Slender Twenny, Lucifer was killed by the same stupid Book, Master is fucking up my computer, and Legacy and his people are dicks. That's really all you needed to know. If there was more, my editor didn't point it out, and she loved my post, so fuck you!

Did I con̗̗t̺ŕ̘̺̞a̜̯̟̥̣͎̻d̲̲̜ict myself regarding locations up there? Uh, that was totally on purpose |and meant to throw you perverts off my trail. Totes, dawg.

Stay frosty.

Updates and shit

I shot Cross in the face. Bastard tried to sneak up on me an' jack mah blog? I don't think so!

So yeah, shit's been taken care of. It's a good day I think.

Stay frosty, mah peeps. Uncle Ridley loves you all and hopes to come see you as soon as he can.