Baby, You Can Drive My Car

You can drive my car just as much as you like.

So after I got out of that loop Doc stuck me in, I decided to fuck up some of his plans a bit. He had some eldritch locations set up around places to be used for black magick ceremonies and shit. I decided they had a bit of an evil, depressed feeling about them, so I got myself some holy water, sprinkled it around, and now they're just the happiest places. Completely useless for dark voodoo Nazi magick, but one can't have everything.

After fucking around a bit with that, I decided it would be a good idea to figure out where I was. As it turns out, I somehow ended up in Saskatchewan. Feeling nauseous in the grotesque, sickeningly-not-American Canadian air, I quickly leapt onto the Trail of Ebony Foliage, waved good-day to a certain young Jewish man stabbing bushes behind the arcade, and leapt off, arriving back in Chicago.

It's quite an interesting thing to see when those boys in Fisk's unit actually do their job right. No trace that either Jonas or my people were ever here. Now that is what I call a job well done. If only all of us were as dedicated to doing a good job. At least half the time.

Cadence and Arpeggio got reassigned after I 'disappeared.' Not sure what happened to Hazendorf and Death's Head. I'm going to check in with the local adminstration office and see about getting myself a new squad. And learn exactly why I was never informed about the weekly newsletter (thank you Freedomcaged, for bringing this to my attention). Doc said he was looking for me, but honestly I'd have thought he'd already be here. I still don't really know what's going on, but you know what? I'm tired of this shit. It's time to fucking party.

Stay frosty. And keep an eye out, we're always watching.

You gotta fight for your right to party

Hey homies, merry fucking New Year to everybody. Sorry I ain't been around much recently, I know it must be hard to have to go so long without hearing my sexy voice through the monitor-text. But it seems that either the shit's hitting the fan or we're Just sitting back and watching paint dry, there is no in-between. What are you gonna do?

So it's 2012 now. End of the world's comin' and all the bullshit. Sweet, as long as it's awesome, I can get behind that. But anyway. I was invited to a New Year's Eve party hosted by what's his name, that Writer dude. I think. To be honest, it wasn't nearly as much fun as I had hoped. I learned something this weekend. Many of my coworkers are unpleasant people. Especially the new Morningstar, he's a real jackass. Much less classy than the original. Most of his squad too. That fucking clown especially is a real bitch. Not everybody was bad though. Nightscream was a great dude; together we got that party started right. And while I didn't have a chance to talk to 'em much, David and Rachael seemed to be thoroughly respectable folks.

Well, we might as well get on with what actually went down. I arrived a bit late, and as such there wasn't really much going on when I arrived. Can't have a party without the R-Man, you know. I think they just didn't know how to do shit right, it looked like tensions were high, but nobody was bleeding yet. So I decided to help get the ball rolling. After retrieving a bottle of the finest something-alcoholic-it-doesn't-really-matter from behind the bar, I went over and gave my good buddy Morningstar a hug. He looked like he needed one. Considering I was only trying to be nice, he was very rude and told me to go fuck myself with a chainsaw. Or something to that effect.

I decided to leave the asshole to his brooding and find somebody with whom I could have a decent chat without them getting their panties all in a bunch. I found a rather well-dressed fellow who turned out to be my good buddy Nightscream. He- err... she? It? was uh, very nice, very nice. A model Slendercorp employee, one whose behavior all should attempt to emulate. It was around here that Newstar started getting all pissy when Screamy (I really do need to think of something else to call 'em though) started making fun of how much of a pussified dick he is compared to his predecessor. Now this was what I had come to see, so naturally I made an attempt to help poke the bear. Also, David got tackled by a psychotic, tiny, Japanese schoolgirl. Or at least, that's what it looked like, so that's the story I'm going with.

Having finished my one bottle, I returned to the bar for another and took a seat. Morningstar then started getting all pissy about Rachael being invited to the party, complaining to that Joseph guy about it. Douche. I stole another bottle and sat next to Nightscream again. Valtiel and Joseph and Rachael were talking about something. I wasn't paying much attention to what exactly, but it was clear anyway that something was about to go down. Finally, damn. I began constructing an improvised incendiary device, you know, in case somebody needed a fire started. About here, Valtiel started burning Rachael and punched out Joseph's throat. Then David went over. Screamy thought it was time for shit to get interesting. I concurred.

Joseph and David (I think, maybe just one of them) did something weird to make Valtiel back off. Rachael pulled out a gun which she pointed at Newstar. Something weird happened and I'm really very confused as to what went down around this point. Nightscream disappeared somewhere, my incendiary device was gone (and sadly, didn't appear to have caught anything on fire), and I was fighting Gleeman. Fucking Joker-wannabe sprayed acid on me!! My trusty jacket blocked it of course, however this seems to have created a bit a er, problem. You see my jacket is very special. On the outside it may appear to be a simple leather jacket, but in reality, it is created with some of the same material as Tall Dark and Slender's suit. Or something similarly. Anyway, the bottom line is, my jacket possesses some odd dimensional features; the most useful of these being that the pockets are larger on the inside. Like a fucking TARDIS.

Anyway, I discovered that that shit really shouldn't be allowed to melt. It most especially won't be allowed to melt while you are still wearing it. Shit is now fused onto my arm it seems. It did not prevent me from winning my fight with Gleeman, however, as I successfully got a bullet or two in the fucker. He ignored them and continued fighting as if nothing had happened, but that is not the point. The point is, I fucking filled one of Newstar's minions full of holes! Mwhahahahahaha!!!1!1!!!1one!!!1

No, but I would've taken the fucker. If... something hadn't happened then that made all of our weapons disappear and shit. The barista did something. Or "Joseph" (I'm sorry, have I been doing that wrong all through here?). Didn't really catch it exactly, I was running at the time. Star's team wussed out then and left, as did Rachael. And really everyone that was still around was just going on about some shit or other, not really that interesting. So I decided to finish the night out with some light binge drinking. I awoke Monday morning on my mom's porch. Son of a bitch, that was certainly fun.

All in all, it was a damn good party. Though it could've been waaaay better. I'm going to suggest some improvements for next year. This year. Whatever.

So that's really it. Wanted to tell ya'll about the party, as I'm sure most of you out there didn't have time to party; what, with the Tall Guy being all on yo' asses and everything. But a happy new year to everyone. The Big Man is what brings us all together, and here's to many more joining our numbers in the new year. Cheers!

Stay frosty.

Gotta get my timin' right; It's a test that I got to pass

I said I had a surprise for y'all for the Solstice.

But first, I'm gonna go into a long-winded recap of lots of things you've probably either forgotten or no longer care about. We have to do this properly, after all. To begin with, I'm going to need you all to remember this little incident here. For those of you too lazy to click the link (you should be ashamed, go sit in the corner and ponder your life until you feel like the horrible person you are), I ended up cut off from the Path of Black Leaves. Let's back up to the veeeery beginning where this whole thing got started.

You all recall, I'm sure, when Slendy shattered my mind into many itty bitty pieces as punishment for being a bad boy. Then this asshole called Oblivion shows up and offers to put my mind back together 'cause he wants me to be his errand boy or some shit. I told him fuck no, I don't need your damn help; I can fix my mind by my own damn self, bitch! Shut him up.

However, it seems our good old buddy Oblivion was not quite so eager to take no for an answer as it appeared. He left just a tiny bit of his power with me to help me get things rolling. I feel extremely violated after discovering this fact; if Oblivion wasn't already dead, I would have to fuck him up. He really needs to quit ghosting on my blog; it's quite unsanitary. Anyway, immediately following this I was contacted by Rhodes, who seemingly wanted me to get to Indy to stop Konie-dawg from stealing the sacred blade of our great hero, Zero. Of course I obliged and immediately made way through the Path in order to get after our little sword-thief.

Now here's where I offer explanations for the shit that I'm sure has been bothering you all just as it has been me this whole time. When I was briefly in Indy and Maine simultaneously. I had intended to look into that, but as you well know, shit kind of came up and I was busy. But now I am not, and I have had time to look into these things. Doc was very informative. It turns out, the Path of Black Leaves doesn't like Oblivion. Or rather, it doesn't like the source of Oblivion's powers. So that little bit of his power that he gave me? The Path rejected it and threw me out. But for some reason it reacted... odd, and threw me out in both directions. So there were two Ridleys. Now don't get too excited with thinking of all the awesome shit I could do with two of me. As soon as Oblivion brought both of me to Indy, we merged together again. So sadly, there is only one of me now.

Nevertheless, that bit of Oblivion's power was still with me, and only became stronger as I continued being subjected to doing stupid shit for him. Thus, I was not allowed to traverse the Path. No big thang though, the Boss let me make my way through the Empty City when I needed to be places. He's a cool dude like that. Oblivion's power being all inside my head seems to also be why the Book was able to interface with me at the beginning. But by then the Master was tired of putting up with Oblivion's bullshit (as were we all, let's be honest) and promptly killed the fucker.

TL;DR It's all Oblivion's fault. And Rhodes. The donkeyfucker.

So now that we've explained all that away, we can get to the part where I tie this in to what I did for the Solstice. Well, now that I was armed with such knowledge, I intended to set about and immediately rectify the situation. First order of business was to get onto the Path. My dear cousin, Glorianna, opened the thing for us and I forced my way on. To accomplish this, I merely leapt right onto the Path, however I would need an anchor, and so I grabbed Cadence in one hand and Arpeggio in the other. Being revenants, they would of course have a greater concentration of Slenderpower in their systems, more than enough to keep us all from being flung unceremoniously back to earth.

And what do you know, it actually worked, too.

The idea here was basically to allow enough of the Path's energy to build up inside my body that it would expediate the evaporation of what remained of Oblivion's energy. We were just about there when a bullet whizzed by and struck the ground next to my right foot. We scattered, instinctively taking cover as a second bullet passed through the air in the exact spot I had been standing only moments earlier. I looked up in the direction from which the shots had come. There was a figure in one the window of one of the buildings, hidden behind the black leaves of a nearby tree. A sniper!

I quickly formulated a plan and shouted orders to my team. Glorianna, Hazendorf and I would move around back and head inside the building. Arpeggio and Cadence would stay hidden someplace where they could keep an eye on the place and shoot if anything tried to get out. We sprung into action, the three of us circling the building before splitting up and each heading in through a different entrance. I was the first to make it up to the appropriate floor and was thus greeted by our mysterious sniper. But he was mysterious no longer, for though I had never before set eyes on the man on the man, I recognized him immediately. Robert Sagel. The most evil man in the world.

"I thought I'd made it clear to you fuckers that I am master here now!"

He punctuated the statement by smacking me in the head with the butt of his gun, knocking me backwards and down the stairs. At the bottom, I regained my composure quickly, but not quickly enough to dodge the shot he was about to take at me. Luckily, I didn't have to, as at that moment Hazendorf tackled the motherfucker. Listening to the sounds of the struggle, I made my way back upstairs to find that Hazendorf had separated Robbie from his gun, but was not faring so well against Robbie's knife. I interrupted the dispute with a few short, but well-articulated counterarguments from my fists. With Robert properly silenced, we left the bloody pulp on the floor and went to find what had become of Glorianna, as we had not yet seen her since coming inside.

As we made our way down the corridor we heard noises and so we headed in that direction. We were quite surprised to find Glorianna locked in a shootout with Robert. I still had the gun I'd taken from Robert before, so I thought it'd be properly amusing to kill him with that and fired off a few shots. Then I noticed the grenade launcher. Robbie must've felt like fighting in a gentlemanly manner and thought that explosives would just ruin the fun. I couldn't disagree more; as far as I'm concerned, explosives should be used whenever possible. I launched one down the hall and it went kaboom! on the door Robbie had been using for cover. Thank goodness, we finally got rid of that crazy motherfucker.

Then we heard the gunshots from outside.

Yes, we couldnt' fucking hear it over the shooting we were doing, but Cadence and Arpeggio were sniping at, you guess it, another Robbie from the trees. The new Robbie was sniping at them from... well, everywhere. He kinda kept teleporting around all over the place. Yeah...

After facing down two Robbies, I was quite done with this shit. Solstice be damned. But I just couldn't let that self-righteous cock go on doing things. Something had to be done. So I did something.

 From the depths of the flaming black underpath, I called forth the fearsome Beast, Scaglietti Harlaown. The ground rumbled and I motioned to my team to evacuate quickly. I alone would stay to ensure that our foe was vanquished. Soon the Beast emerged from the ground and flew at the twisted Sage, it's massive jaws opening wide. I felt my victory was assured, but then I saw Robbie drop his gun and clap his hands together. Shit. They always do that when they're about to do something massive and destructive. A green light shot down from the sky and surrounded Robert as the Beast drew ever nearer. Just when it was right on him, Robbie let out a shout and unleashed the blind fury of his Kamehameha at the Beast, splitting it in two.

I was not about to just let him get away with that. I called the dead halves my pet to me and absorbed them into my body. The transformation was painful, but I emerged in my hellbeast form and took charge at Robbie. He was caught off guard, having not ever thought I would seriously attempt such a dangerous stunt. My time was quickly running out though; I could only maintain such a massive power level for a few minutes, and he knew it. I would have to act fast. We engaged in a way over the top, totally awesome anime-esque fight scene that was just so awesome I couldn't possibly describe it to you all.

But all that's really important is that I kicked. His. Motherfucking. ASS!!!! Hell yeah. Robbie put up a good fight, but he went down in the end. Then all the birds and the cute little animals came out of hiding and surrounded me and broke into song to thank me for liberating their land from that tyrant. They offered me control of the Path, but being the modest guy I am and remaining ever loyal to the Big Guy, I of course kindly refused. The Master showed up then, and He too thanked me for taking the Path away from that blowhard. He offered me a great pay increase and a corner office in the corporate HQ, but I just couldn't accept. In the field is where I belong, not pushing papers behind a desk in some stuffy office. So I left the Path in His capable hands and took off to reunite with my team. Then we went out and got drunk to celebrate.

And that's absolutely totally the truth of what happened this morning. We certainly didn't just find out that when Oblivion died all of his power disappeared and so I was totally capable of returning to the Path anytime. And we definitely didn't just go out and spend all morning drinking before returning to the hotel where I wrote up this awesome post for you to read. Well, that did happen. But only after everything else happened. It's all absolutely true. All of it.

Oh, and I'll be sure to fill you all in on the Salieri case. But damn, I need to rest up after that awesome huge totally-actually-happened fight with Robbie. So I may be gone a few days. And then Christmas is after that. So maybe longer. But New Year's is after Christmas, so...

You guys might hear from me again sometime in January. Until then, stay frosty. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Happy Hanukkah. Brush your teeth. Good night.

P.S. I made up absolutely none of this post. It is all 100% factual truth. Go die in a dumpster for doubting my veracity.

Do as you are told and maybe then we'll let you out

A day or two, I said. Or, y'know, maybe four. It's not like we're in China or anything, so four is good, right?

I must apologize, my peeps, I did not intend to be gone for such a period, but there was business to be taken care, y'know. Quite unavoidable. But then I didn't really expect those guys to be able to see through a perception filter. That's not the kind of thing you can just pick up on the street. Salieri must've paid an assload for 'em.

See, what had happened was, Jonas wanted us to take out his competition, a distinguised gentleman who goes by the name of Salieri. I'm not making this shit up, I swear that's actually his name. Salieri has been gettin' up in Jonas' business lately, and as you can imagine, the bossman was none too happy about that. A simple job really, used to handle this kind of shit all the time, maybe not folks in such a high position, but important people nonetheless.

We had a nice setup. Very simple. Have the twins shoot the bastard from the roof, use the Path to get out. Nice, quick, no problem. Of course unforeseen problems had to arise. Namely the fact that one of Salieri's bodyguards found our snipers the moment they arrived and security was on it soon enough. Which brings me to the point I brought up above. We had them filtered, just as a little extra precaution, but that didn't seem to bother security much. Well, most of the guards were confused and couldn't find their targets, but there were enough that apparently could see through the filter that we had to get out of there. Arpeggio got out fine through the Path, but Cadence got nabbed by security quick and Glorianna had to go in and pull him out.

Yeah cos, I'm gonna keep using your real name on here. What the fuck are you gonna do about it?

Oh, she also wasn't very happy that I called her back out here just to act as backup. I don't know what she's bitching about, she ended up getting to go in and fight shit anyway.

What's that? You say you don't think that what I described could've possibly filled four whole days? Well fuck you, that's the story you're gettin', you spoiled little asshole. And I'm not gonna tell you my secret now. 'Cause it's fucking awesome and amazing and it makes me look like the baddest motherfucker on earth. And I'm fucking clever too. That's right, I figured shit out. But you don't get to know about that now, you've pissed me off. So you're just gonna have to wait until we finish this shit for realz now and maybe then I might just tell y'all about what went down. Maybe, maybe not. You'll just have to wait and see.

Stay frosty, hosers. We're always watching.

Your death black wings; Unfolding sleep

Madi, stop having a bitch fit. Doc's an old perv, yes, but he's an old perv with hon... he's got manne- well, he would never-

Fine. You're right, trying not to get raped is part of your training. Have fun. But c'mon, he's almost a hundred years old, you can take him. You stabbed that cult asshole, spilled that fucker's guts. I believe in yyyyoooouuuuu!!

Yeah, whatever.

So as some of my readers may have gathered, we once more have stuff happening. Sweet! you say, and damn right for it. Madi shall be taking a little vacation. Well, that's not really right. Iscariot wants her to train with Doktor Abendroth, the crazy old German asshole who posted on my blog way back sometime. He's really a good guy, I've known him for years. He and Archy fought each other back during the war... Possibly even the one in Germany and maybe actually in 1941, but with all the weird time-fuckery both of them get into, it's hard to say for sure. He was doing some work for my old boss, Mr. Jonas, when I met him.

Ah, Mr. Jonas, yes. That's why I'm here. What can I tell you all about him? Not much, really. He does... things. Illegal things, that much you can be sure of, and he is a very wanted man in several states. Including Canada. Or at least he was at one time. That was the work that Doc was doing for him, getting the fuzz off his ass. That sounded very wrong. Doc, like I said, fucks around with time a lot, he did some shit, Jonas became sort of a nonperson. Oh he had an identity, a nice dude who as far as anyone knew was not involved in any activities which would be frowned upon by the law, but the criminal lord Jonas wasn't nobody that ever existed. Or something like that. You get the idea.

Shit didn't turn out quite right though. Mr. Jonas had a bit of an accident. That's why he has spent the last five years here in a hospital hooked up to machines. I won't go into detail about that, other than to say that... uh, stuff happened and shit. Slenders was involved... I think. I recall meeting our tall friend around this time anyway. Jonas denies that there ever was a Tall Man, but he's a near-braindead cripple, who cares what he thinks?

After that, I joined the Slender crew. I could tell you more, but I'm not really feeling it at the moment. Maybe later.

I'm now back here where I am, and my old employer wants me to do him a solid. 'Cause I'm the best there is at what I do and what I do isn't wait I think I stole that from somebody, oh well, I probably killed 'em for the right to use it anyway. The point is I'm damn good. Konaa, you can just shut the fuck up laughing at me in your fucking grave. I could've gotten you, bitch. Rhodes is a whore. I'm getting off topic. The point is I'm FUCKING awesome. I do good work. I'm not going to tell you what work I'm doing, I'm just going to leave short sporadic updates on here to make you guess as to what's going on, so that you will pull out your hair trying to theorize what it is that I'm up to.

No, but serious like. I still got Hansel & Gretel up here with me, and soon my old homeboys from Massachusetts are gonna be comin' up to do stuff. I kind of forgot them after I was mysteriously moved from Maine to Indy, so I'm sure they're bored, they obviously haven't been doing jack shit since I left them. Bums. Come to think of it, I should probably look into how I ended up in Indy. That wasn't really explained was it?
Fuck it, it was like five months ago, does anybody even really care anymore?

we care very much ridley. don't leave us yet, dear boy.

So I gots my new team be gettin' together soon and shit, and then we're gonna go do some stuff. I'll keep you all posted. Don't worry, I promise not to be all cryptical bullshitty like I implied I would be. I love you guys, I wouldn't do that to you.

Also, Robert is a giant hot dog. I say we grill him up and eat him.

Stay frosty.

Told you I'm awake. Swallowing you.

Hahaha. Finally making some goddamn progress here.

I found Cadence. Creepy little fuck though he is, it's nice to have a familiar face around. The Boss tends to have a bit of a problem in that department. Whatever, it's all chill. The two of us managed to track down that fuck in the red suit and blow his fucking head off. I guess I now know where the blood splatters I saw in the corner office earlier were from. It's nice when this time bullshit syncs up someway that I have an actual clue as to what the fuck is going on.

It'd be wonderful if everything could turn out so that I had some idea what the fuck was going on. Like that bullshit with Legacy earlier. Though to be be honest, I just think he's off his rocker. It was bound to happen eventually.

Cadence and I did run into Sullivan at one point during our travels. The damn traitor remains as slippery as ever, though one of us did manage to hit him. Followed that blood trail around for a little while before it ended twenty feet straight up the side of a wall and, being that neither of us are Spider-Man, we were unable to continue.

One thing that's nice about having the little freak here with me is that now one of us can sleep while the other stands guard. And by that I of course mean I sleep while he stands guard. No more getting dragged off by angels for this nigga, no sir. My leg still ain't healed up from my little adventure up in the tower. I don't think they're very happy about that. At least I only ran into one of 'em last time; it was a simple matter to just jump the fucker and carve his wings off. Burnt my hands up something fierce, but nevertheless...

Shit... four days in this place... at least that's what the computer says. I don't really trust it though since earlier it said the year was 1902. But hey, the Scott Joplin tunes in the background were loads better than the shit that I normally have to hear. It's difficult to get to sleep when somewhere, somewhen you can hear the sounds of someone being murdered. Possibly by me.

I can't believe I'd be so inconsiderate of myself.

Anyway, I'm hoping we can find the girls if they're still alive and/or make it to the lobby so we can finally get the hell out of this place. I don't really give one shit about the Book anymore, it can stay in this fucking place til the end of time for all I care. Good riddance to the fucking thing.

Stay frosty.

and this will fall away, this will fall away

They're gone. They're all gone.

Excellent, now I have just enough time to do this job right.

Boss and I are gonna finish this thing now. We're gonna finish it hard! Mwhahaha!!

Stay frosty, my chillins'! I shall return shortly.

Updates and shit

I shot Cross in the face. Bastard tried to sneak up on me an' jack mah blog? I don't think so!

So yeah, shit's been taken care of. It's a good day I think.

Stay frosty, mah peeps. Uncle Ridley loves you all and hopes to come see you as soon as he can.

I return again, chillins

How y’all doin’ my chillins? Uncle Ridley is back again and of, what’s this? Uncle Ridley gots his own little blog thingie now? Why, golly gee, what WILL they think of next? And why am I making everything into a question?

I don’t know but maybe we can find out together. 

Now for all y’all still checkin’ up on Coronado over in the place where time is still bleeding apparently, you see that He Who Fears Contractions is still up in stuffy old Maine, which promises to be far less dangerous now that certain rogue elements have disappeared. And yet it seems that there shall be such fascinatingly FABULOUS happenings during my absence that I almost do wish I could be back there. Aw well, whatever...

Hopefully I’ll be able to return soon and pay my respects to our new Princess. She was too hot for that little nerd kid and his whiny little bitch of a brother anyways. I should probably bring her a gift of some kind---- I wonder what would be appropriate? Eh, fuck it, I’ll be on this job for a while, plenty of time to figure out something.

Now the reason I’ve got me own bloggetyblag now is quite simple. Because Sandro’s going to be doing his thing over there and Imma be doin’ my thing over here. See, simpel. I know, I know, gotta make sure all you nonenlighteneded runner/fighter/blasphemer/haunted/stalked/inserstdorkishnamehere can understand what I’m sayin’.  That’s really the most important thing here folks, cause ya see, I’m------ wait for it-----

ON THE ROAD AGAIN, BABY!

That’s right ladies and gents, for the first time in oh so very long, the Master is allowing me the return of my freedom. Well, mostly. Technically I’m supposed to be going after Archy’s little pets while he’s busy with the Princess up in Hicktown, Maine. So I’m doing that. Don’t mean I can’t have some fun along the way though, and I most certainly plan to live it up while I can.

Oh yeah, and Robbie-boy's just positively cuckoo, thinking he'd be able to steal my bike tires. Can you believe the nerve a this guy?

Until I feel like getting back to y'all again, y'all stay frosty. We're always watching. Even cuckoo-boy, random shit floating around is not inconspicuous.


Later, bitchez.