Your death black wings; Unfolding sleep

Madi, stop having a bitch fit. Doc's an old perv, yes, but he's an old perv with hon... he's got manne- well, he would never-

Fine. You're right, trying not to get raped is part of your training. Have fun. But c'mon, he's almost a hundred years old, you can take him. You stabbed that cult asshole, spilled that fucker's guts. I believe in yyyyoooouuuuu!!

Yeah, whatever.

So as some of my readers may have gathered, we once more have stuff happening. Sweet! you say, and damn right for it. Madi shall be taking a little vacation. Well, that's not really right. Iscariot wants her to train with Doktor Abendroth, the crazy old German asshole who posted on my blog way back sometime. He's really a good guy, I've known him for years. He and Archy fought each other back during the war... Possibly even the one in Germany and maybe actually in 1941, but with all the weird time-fuckery both of them get into, it's hard to say for sure. He was doing some work for my old boss, Mr. Jonas, when I met him.

Ah, Mr. Jonas, yes. That's why I'm here. What can I tell you all about him? Not much, really. He does... things. Illegal things, that much you can be sure of, and he is a very wanted man in several states. Including Canada. Or at least he was at one time. That was the work that Doc was doing for him, getting the fuzz off his ass. That sounded very wrong. Doc, like I said, fucks around with time a lot, he did some shit, Jonas became sort of a nonperson. Oh he had an identity, a nice dude who as far as anyone knew was not involved in any activities which would be frowned upon by the law, but the criminal lord Jonas wasn't nobody that ever existed. Or something like that. You get the idea.

Shit didn't turn out quite right though. Mr. Jonas had a bit of an accident. That's why he has spent the last five years here in a hospital hooked up to machines. I won't go into detail about that, other than to say that... uh, stuff happened and shit. Slenders was involved... I think. I recall meeting our tall friend around this time anyway. Jonas denies that there ever was a Tall Man, but he's a near-braindead cripple, who cares what he thinks?

After that, I joined the Slender crew. I could tell you more, but I'm not really feeling it at the moment. Maybe later.

I'm now back here where I am, and my old employer wants me to do him a solid. 'Cause I'm the best there is at what I do and what I do isn't wait I think I stole that from somebody, oh well, I probably killed 'em for the right to use it anyway. The point is I'm damn good. Konaa, you can just shut the fuck up laughing at me in your fucking grave. I could've gotten you, bitch. Rhodes is a whore. I'm getting off topic. The point is I'm FUCKING awesome. I do good work. I'm not going to tell you what work I'm doing, I'm just going to leave short sporadic updates on here to make you guess as to what's going on, so that you will pull out your hair trying to theorize what it is that I'm up to.

No, but serious like. I still got Hansel & Gretel up here with me, and soon my old homeboys from Massachusetts are gonna be comin' up to do stuff. I kind of forgot them after I was mysteriously moved from Maine to Indy, so I'm sure they're bored, they obviously haven't been doing jack shit since I left them. Bums. Come to think of it, I should probably look into how I ended up in Indy. That wasn't really explained was it?
Fuck it, it was like five months ago, does anybody even really care anymore?

we care very much ridley. don't leave us yet, dear boy.

So I gots my new team be gettin' together soon and shit, and then we're gonna go do some stuff. I'll keep you all posted. Don't worry, I promise not to be all cryptical bullshitty like I implied I would be. I love you guys, I wouldn't do that to you.

Also, Robert is a giant hot dog. I say we grill him up and eat him.

Stay frosty.

Awwwww man!

So, as some peoples may have seen, Konie-dawg was here in Maine. Of course, I couldn't just let such an opportunity slip by unnoticed, I simply HAD to go and say hi to my old buddy. But y'know, he was stayin' with Fifi and I don't think Archy would be happy with me just going over there and startin' shit. Plus, y'know, I still haven't gotten the Princess a present, and it would be rude to go start shit in her house without even giving a gift first. So I hads to wait. Which, y'know, sucked.

But oh happy day, it seems Konie-dawg ain't nearly so thickheaded as I thought, y'all know he wanted to find the Ark, well he actually managed to do it too. If only Jayjay were so lucky, but that nut with the trippy Youtube channel simply won't give the poor guy a break. Sad really. Anyways, there I am, chillin' with my homies, when suddenly here comes Konie-dawg and the Princess.

Clearly, thought I, ol' Tall Dark and Slender must've delivered me this moment Himself. Who would I be to waste such a gift? An ungrateful servant, that's who, and I was not about to be any such thing. They're comin' over and I call out to them all like, "Hey Konaa, how's it hangin' dawg?" Well that little bitch looks at me and he just looks pissed as hell, like he's not even glad to see his old pal Ridley. I was very hurt, let me tell you.

So then I'm just like "Yo dawg, what's got itself stuck up yo ass? It's been a while y'know, ain't you gonna say hey to your oldest and dearest friend?" He gets real mean at this point and says I am in fact NOT his oldest and dearest friend. Right through the heart, that one was. So then I'm all like "Bro, how can you say that? Don't you remember when I saved your life in Mexico? Or was that Germany? What about that time we snuck up on George W. and pantsed him? Surely you haven't forgotten that? How we all laughed over coffee in the Oval Office afterwards while you posted pics of his ass to the interweb? C'mon bro, don't do this to me!"

Well, at that point it became quite clear that my old buddy simply was not going to remember, so I thought I'd do him a solid and beat some sense back into him. I seemed to recall needing to pay him back for a dislocated shoulder he gave me in Boston. Y'all remember that, when I beat the living shit out of him and he turned and ran like a little pussy to hide in some warehouse. Followed by the total dick move of shoving a crate down on top of me. Remember? Course y'all do. I know I do. But anyhow, I walk over to 'em and I lay it down for Kones: I'm gonna pound the hell out of him, he's gonna take it, with a smile on his face. So maybe I might possibly scare the Princess, but that nothing I can't have Archy deal with later, right? Of course, let's kick some ass!

Well there I was, all set to get started on my gruesome task, when who should happen to appear but the 'ol Blackety White King Hisself, dressed for business as per usual. And I'm all like "Hey Master, be wit' you in jus' one mo', I gotta rough this fuck up first." But apparently He didn't like that idea. Because I start hearin' Him inside my head then. And He's all like "Ridley! Stop it! You're a dumbass! Your life is worthless and I shall soon devour your mortal soul! Burn! Burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn anddieandburnanddieandubrnandieburnandand
burnanduburnanbudieandburnandburnandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieburnanddie
burnanddieburnandieandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieandandandand
and over and over and over and forever im sorry master iwont never do it again i swear please dont hurt me agina masert i love you master i love doing your work i wont hurt the fools no more i swear master please no more master no more dont burn me dont throw me into the fiery abyss of flames and agony dont lock me in the closet again again master ill be a good boy and buy more peanut butter the next time i clena out the pnarty

And I swear, this went on for days, but in fact it was only like ten seconds and I looked up and the Master is staring into my soul, y'know like He does. And my boys are there, just rolling with laughter. I shot Kratz in the head and the rest of them shut up. Well, I looked back and there was the Master, still lookin' at me, and I could see He wasn't much happy 'bout the situation, as it were, and He reaches out one of His long arms and grabs me by the face and everything goes black and well, I don't know what the hell happened. I just woke up back in my room and naturally the first thing I did was to log on here and write all that out. Or maybe not. Oooh, mysterious, isn't it?

But dammit, Master, he was right there! I wasn't gonna hurt him. All that much. I was at least gonna let him get away so's I could come after him again, at least one more time. Cause three, y'know, three's a good number. Man, I swear and now Konie's on a train back to Boston and I'm stuck here until I don't fucking know. They're taking away my freedom peeps! Treating me like I'm their  dog or something and they can just tell me what to do!

Well, technically I guess they can. I'm sorry Master, please forgive my insubordination. And don't send me back to the Dark Place, please Master, please don't do it. I'll pay for the honeymoon once you and the Princess actually get hitched! Or y'know, at least point out a decent spot for ya or something.

Eh, whatever. Now I have to find something to amuse myself with. Hmm, The Master and His Princess... hmmm... TO THE FANFIC PAGES!!!!!!1111!!!1!1!!!!111

Later y'all. Stay frosty.

Fuck you Archy

What the fuck man, really ya couldn't just call me to tell me that? Y'know, cause I was fucking driving an shit? If not for the fact that Glorianna happened to stumble across it while reading through my bookmarks we never woulda caught it. Seriously bro, what the motherfuck?

Anywho, yeah we did run into crazy masked guy at that rest stop and he did indeed try to attack us. Luckily, we had Archangel's shittily planned (shittily? that sounds weird) warning and were ready for the dickhole. Zeon saw him lurking around, waiting for us, and snuck up behind the fucker to knock him out with a tire iron. We took his mask off and, lo and behold... we have no damn clue who this fucktard is. Really, I have never seen this ugly face before in my life, so I don't know who the hell this is messing with us like this. But if he's really been around since way back like Archy said and he seems to know how to find us, this is the second time he's managed to show up like this, then he must know something. And we all know what to do with people who know things they won't tell, don't we? Mwhahahahahahahah!

Oh, and another thing Archy, go fuck yourself. Shit, Lucifer was part of some plan by the Master. That crazy nigga got all inside my head and moved shit around and shit. And shit. Not like I made it difficult, I know what with going all off the deep end and followin' Red's orders to kill and all that. But fuck man, y'all coulda let me in on shit, I can keep secrets. Fuck, I don't hafta ta tell these asshats nothing. Work with me, dawg, work with me.

Enough of that shit. We're here at the Ark. Talked with Othello, had some drinks, raised a glass to good ol' Phantasm. She never did like putting up with my shit, but she was a good comrade. Wonder who's gonna run this shtick here with Maalik and her both gone now. Oh, and the kid. Salem's about like we expected, the same creepy blank expression as always, didn't react at all to finding out that dear old mom was dead. I really don't know what's up with that kid, I mean fuck. Eh, whatever, don't really matter now, do it?

Anyway, I should get back to torturing this fucktard. Masks, honestly. What is it with the Chosen who wear masks all the time anyway, you idiots stand out like a gangster at a Beethoven concert. Heh, that was fun. But dumbasses. Even I can manage to not be that stupid. Yes, Koney-dawg, I admit to my stupidity and carry on, fuck you.

Stay frosty peeps. As always, we're watching.

Boston

Fuck Boston, man, this town is bullshit. My peeps have been hard at work trailing those two bastards for me. They're keepin' to public areas, crowded places. Mighty unsporting of them, isn't it? If this keeps up we may have to resort to some rather drastic measures to get them moving again... then again, I do have that nice sniper rifle I got from that soldier a while back, could just blow the fuckers away while safely on the rooftops. Heh, safe on the rooftops, stupid runners.

In the meantime I had decided to look up some pal of mine. Y'all know this guy, dontcha? Well, maybe you don't, but he's been fucking around tryin' to get all up in the Princess' business. I figured hey, I'm in Boston anyway, this son a bitch needs taught a lesson, and I need to hit someone. It's like God himself just handed me the perfect opportunity here. So I track him down, and this dumbass is nice enough to be walking around out in some empty construction zone so's we can conduct our business in private. I do love a team player. I call out to him and he turns around with the dumbest look on his face, asks me who I am. Well I'm all like, "Hey now dawg, you know me right, I mean I thought we were real close man. It's me, yo favorite frosty troll, Uncle Riddles. Now c'mon an gimme hug eh?"

Twas only tryin' to be friendly, y'know, but he just stands over there looking like a dumbass. Then he asks me about Storyboy's brother, an I'm just like shoot, I thought we got over this a long time ago peoples, really the little bitch was an irritation and was wasting good air. Whatever, let's move on. I told him how the situation was, the Master is an eternal creature, sometimes he gots to have some lovin'. You don't wanna get in the way of that do you, I mean c'mon on that's just rude. He gets all pissed off then and yells at me, says I should tell Archy to keep away from her. Yeah right. I reminded him then that, even if our glorious Boss, our ever-lovin' Mr. Slender cannot see him, I can still carve you up like a Christmas ham. I decided to be nice for once and make him an offer before I killed him. Come over an' join the party, bro.

He declined, of course, so I was left with no other option now but to go and fuck his shit up. Then he decides to comment about my jacket. I kindly responded by introducing his face to my fist. I follow up with a blow to the ribcage, then one to the stomach. Little pussy tries to hit me back, he ain't lyin' when he says he ain't no fighter. I pound on this asshole for a couple minutes and I'm starting to feel pretty good. All is right in the world, and the stress of work is just melting away. Then he has to be a dickhole and ruin it for me; must've put all his damn strength into that kick, and right on my kneecap too. He bolts into this warehouse nearby, I decide it's time to quit fuckin' around and just gut the loser.

So he actually stuck some shit in front of the door like that would stop me any, I get inside, I'm lookin around for him, and eventually I'm getting pretty tired of this little game of hide n seek. Then I hear this noise from up above and there's a damn crate falling on me. The little bitch knocked a crate over on top of me. Man, that shit probably weighed a few hundred pounds an' you just push it over on me. What the hell, bro? I thought we were cool. Well, it was kinda tight in there so's I couldn't really get completely outta the way and the damn thing just misses my head and comes down on my shoulder. Damn that's not fun, and I think I got shot there not too far back too. Thing's all broken, all outta place and stuff. Didn't even manage to catch the little pussy cause he booked on over to the train then.

So my weekend didn't exactly go as planned. Unfortunate, but whatever. I'm headin' into town later to have a little chat with my prey. Doc says I need to chill, but fuck that.

Stay frosty y'all. We're always watching.