I've seen a rich man beg, I've seen a good man sin

'goddammit shit shit shit fuck hes here again how the fuck is that faceless fucker following me through here fuck hell damn no goddammit nononononononono---'



Hehehe...

Stay frosty you sons of bitches. We're comin' for ya.

I used to love her, but I had to kill her

Dammit.

I've passed through that same room three more times now. And of course it looks different each time. First there was a trail of blood going through it, which I decided I may as well try to follow, because let's face it, what else am I going to do. That led me into a restroom, where the trail stopped at a fucking drain in the middle of the goddamn room. Wonderful. So I walk out, and I'm not in the hallway that I had just entered through, oh no, I now found myself back up in that half-finished area on the top floor. That annoying ass squawking started up again, so I hauled my ass the hell outta that place before... well most likely I would've just become very irritated, but that'd be all I fucking need right now.

So I go down the stairs, I'm walking down and going up for a little while, finally coming out on the balcony on the ceiling of the lobby. I'm thinkin' hey awesome, maybe I can figure out how to fucking get back down there for real now and I can just go through the front door. But where would we be if it just allowed people to do such things? I wouldn't be still in this place for one thing. So I take the elevator down because looking up at what's supposed to be the floor is making dizzy; the elevator doors open and I'm looking right out on that same fucking room again.

No blood this time, in fact there were a lot of things missing, as it appeared to be under construction. One thing that had been added was a pissed off foreman who accused me of trespassing, and then attempted to forcibly throw me out when I was only trying to make friendly conversation about his mother. Some people. I shot him in the face but he was undeterred and merely spat blood on me. Unsanitary and rude under any circumstances, but moreso when you apparently have acidic alien blood that has burned a hole in my fucking jacket and left me with a nice scar. I fled from the crazy construction worker, being that I don't really have any ways of killing people with corrosive blood, and very nearly fell to my death when I discovered that the door behind me now opened to the outside, somewhere around the 17th floor I think.

Luckily, it seems that the maze decided to cut me some slack for once, having left my pursuer behind somewhere hopefully far away. I ran around for another I-don't-know-how-much-time-but-I'd-reckon-an-hour-or-two, including a nice little stint there where I kept walking through a door and coming out back into the same room. Eventually, as you may guess since I mentioned it already and I'm just skipping over lots of really interesting shit, I came upon the room again. It was quite a wonderful feeling when I was distracted by the same stupid room showing up again and put my foot in Roulette's skull. God, now I've got his fucking brain juices all over my damn shoes. Getting tired of this crap. Getting tired of looking at these fucking bodies.

Oh yeah, the other one I kind of put there myself. That hot chick in the red outfit attacked me and I had to bash her brains out with the railing. It's truly very sad. I told you guys how hot she was, right? 'Tis not a total loss though, I did manage to find some interesting things in her pockets. A cell phone, some rock with that stupid symbol carved into it (the cross, not the other stupid one), a knife, $20, a broken flash drive, some bullets, leather straps, her sexy perfume, and some playing cards. In other words, it was a total loss. Stupid useless crap. I'm going through the numbers in the phone though, bound to find something in there maybe.

Shit, the shadows are moving again. Catch you motherfuckers later.

Keep it frosty.

Hang my head, drown my fear; til' you all just disappear

Hey ladies and ugly people, how do?

I'm afraid I don't have much time. We still haven't heard from Legacy, but Roulette says that with the Dying Man obviously up to something here we should go ahead with the plan as soon as possible. I may not have really mentioned the plan before, which would be because I never really got to hear what it was exactly we were going to be doing. Legacy's been working it out since before he came and got me in Wyoming. He had an informant, you see, who'd been feeding him information about what he needed to do with the Book once he'd gotten it from me. A rather annoying informant who speaks in red text and all caps and who seems to think hacking my blog is a fun recreational activity. Well, he did, before he ended up all dead. Or something. Either way he's been quiet for a long time, so here's hoping.

That's how Legacy got all that information about the Book and OBLIVION, I guess? Don't know why the fucker would care about telling one of us all that, since he was apparently trying to get rid of the Boss, but whatever the fuck. We're going to the corporate office of Crazy Ass Shit Unlimited. For some of my newer readers, who may not recall my previous adventures with Iscariot, that would be the fucked up dimensionally bleeding building we ran into once or twice way back when. And OBLIVION mentioned it, I guess.

For everyone that wasn't too lazy to read through those, you can see that this is just going to be so fucking awesome. Just great. I love it, I really do.

Fucking stay frosty, motherfuckers.

When your fears subside, and shadows still remain

Sorry about that y'all. Roulette's a bit of a motherfucker. What am I saying, he's a huge motherfucker. I can't apologize enough for leaving my blog in the hands of that douchebag. My hand has healed up nicely so I am once again able to be the one to keep y'all updated on all the awesome shit that's been goin' down around here. Fuck Roulette for breaking my hand too. I don't recall if he mentioned that to y'all, but it's true that he did. Fuckwhore.

So anyway, he did mention to y'all that we've got our own stalker here, nice distinguished older gentleman that we've seen hangin' around outside the place here and there. Before that we had a number of different folks who we'd see for maybe a day or so, and we'd never see the same person more than once or twice. None of them would ever get too close though, and if anyone tried to go out and start some shit with 'em they'd just up and disappear.

That does not seem to be the case any longer, however. Might have something to with the fact that Legacy's missing. A couple days ago he left to go take care of some business elsewhere, and we just haven't heard from him since. Well yesterday, our stalker buddy shows up again, but this time he's chillin' literally on our doorstep. Death's Head behaved in a less than hospitable manner towards this, said she was tired of seein' the fucker, and she was gonna put a stop to this shit. She goes outside with her big fucking knife and just starts filling the guy full a holes. Now most of us aren't crazy enough to get in her way when she starts gettin' all nuts, but Roulette seems to think he's the team leader or something while Legacy's gone, and he's either got some serious balls or I just gave him too much credit presenting him as the sane man around here. Because as soon as he found out what was going on, he heads out to try and stop her.

It didn't turn out too well. He tried to tranquilize her, but she only turned around and nearly took his bitch head off. Then the old man, somehow not dead, grabs her and tosses her through the window. Well, he tried to anyway, his arm kinda fell off and dropped her in the window. That was a bloody fucking mess. Roulette gets up and then goes back down, the old guy punched him back and he fell down the stairs, knocks his stupid head on the concrete and goes out like a light.

Well that just left me and old No-Name hangin' around, watchin' the action throug the broken window. He looks in at us and I see that his face is pretty fucked up. All scarred and shit, wrinkled and lookin' like some strips of flesh is missin'. He grins at us, revealing that most of his teeth are gone and the ones that ain't are black and rotten, just like his gums. He laughs, then walks out of view and we see the front door close. I walk over and check it out, and the fucker's just gone.

While I was busy contemplating about what kind of crazy fuck shows up looking like death, knocks out our dudes and then is nice enough to close the door before he goes, we hear some gunshots coming from the inner rooms. We go in, check that shit out, find Hansel and Gretel and a whole shit-ton of bullet holes all around. They was guarding the Book, which I check up on and see that all seems to be in order. Apparently the old guy walked in through the closet and... actually, they couldn't really agree on what happened after that. Cadence says he lunged at them and they just shot at him, but somehow the bullets were just missing him. And then he sliced both their heads off. Arpeggio says he just strolled in, the lights went out and then she was gettin' impaled on her own gun like she was the sheriff's daughter and Michael Myers came to call

Obviously neither of these can be correct, what with them both being not dead.

Or at least, we don't think so. We seem to have deduced the identity of our mysterious stalker. The Dying Gentleman. Like the Boss, only without a body, so he possesses folks. And then they die and shit. So not really like the Boss all that much really. It makes sense now why we kept seeing different people around, he kept using up his hosts. Though we're not sure why he was using this most recent one for so long, it seems he pretty well used that one all up. The disappearing act he kept pulling was just hopping through the City. That at least might've been obvious. It would've also seemed obvious that he was comin' for the Book, except that he had the damn thing right in his sight and decided not to grab it. We're... not altogether sure what to make of that.

There are new pages in the A̺̱͑̈́̃͂̂́r̵̯̠̮͙͎̯̗͑͊͒͐̂́͝ͅc͗ͣ̌͐ͯ̑ͥ̀ͧ͏͏̞̠̬̩h̴̤ͪͣͩͣ͘͞i̢̡̲̬͙̝͓̲̥̓ͫͅv̶̵̡͖͔̰͉ͬ̉ͭ̈́ȩ̮͕̯̽ͪ̐ now. Things I can actually read without whatever supernatural shit is in that thing getting all up inside my head. Not that it would matter, but it doesn't match with anything I read in it before. Der Ritter. The Guardians of the Bloody Prophet. 666. The Scarlet Knights. The Dying Man. The Beast. Exit Light. Black Leaves. The Aperture.
Roulette broke the fucking thing, I'm having trouble holding it together now. It only works so long as I can't remember. She's trying to break it down too. The Wooden Bitch. I've seen what she's sending through the TV. Couldn't get at us in person with the Master showing up every time she tries shit.
Legacy's a doomed man. He stayed with the delusion right up until the end, couldn't understand why his body wouldn't fit back together after the Red Man cut him in half. Maybe he was just a bit more gone than normal though, lying there in a puddle of his own blood as the darkness slowly came and devoured him. The twins fared somewhat better at least. Cadence never even got to see what took him out when one of the puppets came from behind and chopped off the top of his head. Arpeggio was with Madi at the very end; somehow they'd managed to crawl out of the explosion, but then the crows came and picked off what was left of their flesh. The Master stood by and watched as they expired. He didn't think much of the Scarlet Specter's devotion to her messiah, so he repaid her for the death of his minions with the death of hers.
A hundred corpses filled the town by the time it was all over. Bodies rendered limb from limb, bleeding and burnt, a last look of terror stuck on their fucking traitorous faces. I could hear their screams echo from out of hell. The streets ran red with blood.
Fuck, did I actually just say that?
No-Name received such a terribly dull end. A stray bullet caught him in the back and pierced his heart. Kind of ironic I suppose, since he'd been invested in carving out the heart of the Black Knight's accomplice when it hit. Roulette had been facing the Black Knight, but he really should've learned how to fight. Poison doesn't do so well against a gun. Or maybe it was that gaping hole that his intestines were hanging out of. That could've been what did him in. Sullivan... well he just got fucked in the end.
Is that how it went? Maybe I only read them in my head after all.
I should stop.

So that's been our week. How 'bout the rest of y'all, how are you fuckers? Keepin' it frosty I hope.

Dead I am the pool, spreading from the fool

Shit, motherfucking hell...

Saturday... Saturday Saturday Saturday. Saturn's Day. The Sabbath. The seventh day of the week.

There were some events that transpired that day. Wherever shall I begin? Well I suppose the logical course of action would be to begin chronicling from where I left off the last time. By last time, I mean of course when I was actually writing shit that was coherent, and not when I was doing this. Also who the fuck wrote that? Come on, fess up motherfuckers.

Well anyhow, Legacy and his merry band of super-assholes launched an invasion of Crusader's secret grocery store compound. It actually went fairly simple; the assholes had already attempted to destroy the Book. I'm sure ya'll remember how well that's gone before. Two more of their dudes killed, which left them with but four to defend their sacred food mart and the tome of satanic literature that was hidden away at its core. Legacy was not playing games with those motherfuckers this time though, and they went down, though sadly without any casualties. Apparently they decided that it wasn't worth having their whole little team here wiped out over Abdul Alhazred's Book of Bedtime Stories. Also apparently, they decided it would make much more sense to just let the enemy get inside and then bomb them into oblivion. Seems something went wrong there though, since only half of them went off and only the ones that weren't on the same side of the building as Legacy's team. Suspiciously lucky, huh?

So there at least we got some manner of a break. The rest of the day... was much more eventful. For instance: that last post? Pretty sure I made that sometime in the midst of Master and Puppetslut tearing up the place. Legacy arrives back and tells us to start packing shit up quick so we can start moving out. So we's all in the middle of doing that when Roulette calls out something to Legacy, which is followed by him crashing through the door. This blonde chick walks in and points a gun at all of us, not that it was really necessary when her boss came in right behind her. The reject from Rozen's workshop just comes in all nonchalantly like she fucking owns the place, and her strings shoot out towards us... but she didn't have much of a chance to do anything 'cause the Boss showed up then and shit. got. crazy.

Needless to say, that safehouse is history, and we lost quite a bit of our stuff, but most of it was Legacy's so we're lucky that it was no great loss. We actually all made it out alright this time, all uh... ten of us. Amazing that we had almost twenty people at the start of this shit. I mean really, Master and the puppet were tearing shit up in there. We also had a minor skirmish with the Wooden Girl's servant, who I mentioned back there. Roulette had been knocked out after his trip through the door, and I ended up having to help carry the asshole out of there. The blonde chick comes out of nowhere and attacks us, actually I got the feeling she wanted me specifically, I got another nice scar all down my arm now because of her. Sullivan politely got the bitch away from me with a swift blow to the jaw and we continued dragging our comatose comrade off the battlefield.

That's sort of it, I guess. We moved to a new hideout, we be unpacking shit and shit is good so far. Not that ever lasts. I mentioned several of 'em here, so I may as well tell y'all about some of the team, I guess. I need something to do while I'm hiding out and avoiding helping with the unpacking. So besides myself, Madi, and Legacy, our ragtag group of crazy ass motherfuckers consists of:

Legacy: Well, alright I guess I'll start with him. He's a revenant and a jackass. From Angleland, I believe, though he's got the accent of a Hollywood actor who's trying too hard to sound British. Was a butcher before signing on with the Tall Guy. He doesn't do a lot different in his new line of work, lemme tell ya. He's still under the impression that he's some kind of immortal with superpowers who's been fighting the Slender fight for many decades. Actually, it's only been since about last year y'know, but I guess it's not entirely useless, since Slendy does let him get away with some crazy shit. Sometimes. Other times he just bleeds all over my freshly laundered jacket and doesn't notice it. Then again, that could also have been from him cutting off my finger. No, I'm totally not still pissed about that, why do you ask?

Cadence & Arpeggio: The other revenants I mentioned. They're twins, both snipers, and both creepy as fuck. Did I mention they're also about fourteen? Emotionless, weird ass fourteen year olds. Kinda like this, if she had a male twin and they were both expert marksmen and thought they were pretty much invincible. And real fourteen year olds aren't that sexy. I really don't know much else about them.

Sullivan: You'd think he might be the sane one in the group, I mean Sullivan's a pretty normal name, right? That's before you find out that he used to have two partners who were named Carson and... Lawrence. To be fair, I guess Welk doesn't have the same ring to it, but really if you're going to bother to come up with stupid theme naming you should bother doing it right. That said, he's really not all that bad, but he does sort of weird me out. He's rather nonviolent really, which is a bit unusual considering how all the rest of his team are.

Roulette: The actual Only Sane Man in the group, despite still having a shitty superhero-y name. The man brews a mean cup of tea and can also fix up some nice poisons to go in it. Worked as something of an assassin until about '07 when one of his targets ran into a bit of a gruesome "accident" and he got discovered. The real killer thought the guy had some Skittles though, and our boy Roulette wisely decided to hop across to the Slender side of the rainbow. I did wonder why he called himself Roulette when that doesn't really have anything to do with poison. I'll have to look into that...

Death's Head: Honestly, when a dude calls hisself Death's Head, I think they've told about all you need to know about 'em. Well, except that this one's a chick, not a dude. And she almost took my head off when I tried to talk to her. Just so we clear, I mean that quite literally. I still can't figure out where she was keeping that giant knife in that tight outfit...

No-Name: No-Name? Really? Fuck this. He's a depressing bastard. Let's just leave this with saying that Legacy has impeccable taste when it comes to choosing a team.

Oh fuck, they're looking for me now. Guess I'll have to go do "work." This is why we should have some of the mindless slaves along, so us important folk don't have to do menial labor. Oh shity483yre7ghgnbbbbbbbbbb,

Motherfuckers. Stay frosty.

All been washed in black?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run

I mean if that's alright with you Oblivion. Also,

How 'bout fuck yo damn package?

I don't care what you've done, you ain't told me shit about what any of this is about. Naw, you just keep showin' up and then weird shit happens. Hell, I ain't even actually seen you yet, so for all I know you haven't ever actually showed up anywhere and just cause weird shit to happen from a distance. Which, actually that'd be pretty damn cool, so hey, sweet if that's what you've got goin' on. But I ain't bein' your pawn. I already have a Chessmaster to control my every move and I'm sure He's much better dressed than you are.

So in short, whatever this little caper of yours is supposed to be, I want in on it. Or you can go bugger yourself.

Heh, bugger. British people use some funny words.

Now to all my peeps out there, stay frosty. And Dia, I'm glad you understand how much awesome I am. We gonna meet up, have some drinks sometime, right? Of course, you can expect me to pay. Makin' one of my fans buy the drinks would just be rude.

OH, COME NOW...

RIDLEY, DEAR FELLOW, DO YOU STILL NOT TRUST ME? AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER? DID I NOT MEND YOUR SANITY FOR YOU? I MEAN, IF YOU'RE GOING TO CONTINUE TO ABUSE IT LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN DOING, THAT'S KIND OF YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE.

HOWEVER, I HAVE DECIDED TO HELP YOU OUT A BIT. AND BY EXTENSION,  I SHALL BE HELPING MYSELF. I HAVE ARRANGED FOR A DELIVERY TO BE MADE TO YOUR CURRENT LOCATION. IT SHOULD ARRIVE IN A FEW DAYS' TIME. OH, AND THERE MAY BE A LITTLE CHALLENGE FOR YOU BEFORE YOU CAN ACTUALLY GET THE PACKAGE. SO DO BE PREPARED. THIS IS IMPORTANT SO TRY NOT TO FUCK IT UP. IT'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR ME TO START OVER WITH A NEW PAWN. I AM ALSO ENJOYING THE MULTITUDE OF HEALTH BENEFITS THAT COME FROM HAVING YOUR MASTER LEAVE ME ALONE. PLEASE DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME.

SO LET'S REVIEW, I WANT TO MAKE SURE ALL OF THIS HAS GOTTEN THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL. ARRIVAL. OF PACKAGE. YOU WILL AWAIT. FIGHT. YOU WILL. TO SECURE THE PACKAGE. STUPIDITY. YOU WILL AVOID. AT ALL COSTS.

IS THAT SIMPLE ENOUGH FOR YOU?

BE SEEING YOU.

I found my friends; they're in my head

So I'm sure y'all have seen my last post already. If you haven't, shame on you for not keeping up with my blog! As if anything in your own life could possibly be more interesting than what's going on in mine! I mean that's why blogging was invented in the first place, so that all you dull, uninteresting people can read about those of us with better lives. So quit jerking off to reality TV and read about some real reality. Real reality, heh.

I digress. So I'm sure y'all have seen my last post already. I think I kinda went a little batshit fucking crazy. Because Madi not only shot a police officer, she SHOT A POLICE OFFICER WHILE STANDING IN FULL VIEW OF ABOUT A HALF-DOZEN OTHER POLICE OFFICERS. Did I make that clear enough? Oh, but wait. I didn't get to the best part yet. She also GOT PHOTOGRAPHED BY THE FUCKING NEWSPAPER. That's right, now everyone in town can know what the cop-murdering bitch looks like. And of course there was that other gruesome scene only a few days ago. What was that again? Something about some teenager being ripped open and dumped on some other teenager's front step? Eh, it'll come to me eventually.

Anyway yeah, they're connecting her to that as well. Which I guess isn't technically incorrect. She is connected to it. But I'm having a bit of a moral dilemma about the whole thing. I mean I'm not really comfortable letting someone else take the credit for my work. Then again, I'm not really comfortable with the idea of prison and uninvited man-sex, either. I'm havin' a real problem with this whole thing, homies.

Then there's the fact that she claims she doesn't remember doing it at all. According to her, she fell asleep back in the hotel while I was on stake-out duty and woke up outside, well I'll get to that. I'm actually kind of inclined to believe her. Besides the obvious fact that even I'm not that fucking retarded, there's the fact that she just disappeared right in front of them. Uh, sorry, did I forget to mention that too? Yeah, someone shot back at her and she ran off with a couple cops in pursuit. They wind up in an alley, Madi runs through a door, which she closes behind her; the police come right up, open the door and find- a vast empty warehouse. All huge and open, echo-y and shit, so nowhere she could of hidden herself. She was just gone.

Of course when I became aware of the situation (which was about right when it happened... 'cause like I said, I was on stake-out duty) I went off after her, careful to remain hidden using my mysterious methods for remaining unseen by muggles. About an hour later I found her asleep a little ways outside town, next to some old barn. She claims she only remembers being at the hotel and then me waking her up next a barn outside of town. It sounds to me like the Empty City, but she couldn't have used it on her own. She's not technically a servant of TallDarkSlender, so by all rights the City should just eat her if she was by herself. Which would imply that one of the other entities was involved. How about that 'OBLIVION' fella, he seems to be able to do some wicked shit. I'm awfully suspicious of the fucker.

And now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to fix this. Let the good times roll.

Oh hey, y'all see Entry #49? Fuck yeah! Kralie might look like a real pussy, but I always knew he was a total badass! Blood and brains being beaten out, that's what I like to see. And he always threw the best damn parties, too. Shame he hasn't been around lately. Probably off getting drunk at the Ark, the lucky bastard.

Stay frosty, y'all.

EDIT: My my, how absent minded of me, I almost forgot about this little number that was left in the comments:

"So, how are you doing Mr. Chapman? Taking care of yourself, I hope? I thought I'd stop by for a visit. You're always extending an invitation for people to come see you, after all. We really must catch up, mustn't we?"

From our Crusader friend. How lovely. Bet you think you're real cute, don't you? I don't even wanna know how you found out that name. I can think of a few ways you could've done it, and most of them mean Imma have to kill you.

Okay, you caught me, I was gonna kill you anyway, but now I might have to stretch it out so I can enjoy it longer. If you really are in town, you'd better keep extra frosty asshole.

Who the fuck is Rhodes?

So maybe it wasn't all that smart to just follow the advice of some random proxy I ain't never met before, even if it was to stop Konie-dawg from retrieving Zero's sword. 'Cause, y'know, I'm much cooler and more deserving of having a sword. Well, even so, I did attempt to not fall into the realms of dumbassery again, but it seems fate has other ideas.

Y'all probably wonderin' what the hell I'm goin' on about now, ain't ya? So, what happens is, I get a message from some proxy calling himself Rhodes, says that Konaa's managed to track down where Zero's sword ended up and is heading to go get it. He says he needs me to go and stop him, and then doesn't really explain why exactly or what the hell is going on. Well, I don't know what the hell was going on, but I wasn't about to let that twat get that sword. So it was off to Indiana! Wonderful. I open up the good ol' Path of Black Leaves and stroll on through, and soon enough there I am in Indian-Land-City, though I can't say as I saw too many Indians there. Must've headed back to India.

Anyhow, Rhodes had given me directions to that forest outside the city where the sword was and so it was to there I made my journey. Eventually I found the damn forest and after a bit of wandering around I stumbled upon my dear friend Konie-dawg with the sword. I made my presence known by requesting that he hand the sacred blade over to more capable hands, which he of course refused with a side of 'God dammit, how the fuck are you here? Fuckfuckfuck, fuckity fuck fuck fuck.' Then he just kind of went on swearing for a little bit, that fucking pottymouthed little twatbastard. After a while I had to interrupt him 'Yo Konie-dawg, ease off huh? Don't make me have to wash yo mouth out with bleach.' Then he just kind of stared at me like a dumbass so I made a move for the sword and he moved out of the way, so I took out my knife. Then the cops showed up.

Yeah, there were police. And you wanna know who fucking called the police? Well, so would I. Wasn't the little bitch anyway, cause they yelled something about arresting both of us. For drug trafficking, WTF? Oh but wait. It gets even better. Then these other dudes wearing trenchcoats and masks showed up. And start shooting at me and Konaa, which of course gets the cops to start shooting at them and suddenly we're stuck in the middle with bullets flying all around. In other circumstances, I might have found that enjoyable, but Konie-bitch was high-tailing it out of there with my sword. I had managed to jump out of the way but some of those gun-happy bastards were following me and my old pal had run off in the opposite direction. So much for the sword, dammit. Well, I was stuck with more pressing matters at the time, like police, gun-happy trenchcoat/mask-wearing weirdos, and what appeared to be the ghost of Marie Antoinette.

Hoping to keep my skin intact for many more days of fun, I retreated from the shootout. One of those weird trenchcoat dudes came after me and I promptly said hello with my gun. Sonabitch was quick, but eventually I got him in the knee when he stopped. 'Course if I had been paying attention to WHY he had stopped... yeah, that might have been a good idea. I SAW DEAD PEOPLE! No, but seriously, I SAW DEAD PEOPLE! IN SUITS! Rubbery, dried-out looking, old farts in business suits, trying to steal Master's fashion statements I think, waddling through the trees towards us. Now if I had indeed realized that 'hey, crazy mofo chasing me through woods suddenly stops, something up must be' then I might not have ran right into them. Instinctively, I shot one of them in the face. Unfortunately, that was my last bullet, but luckily I always have my knife with me, so I stabbed one in the heart and made a swift slash into another one's neck, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE!

They were upon me and once I was in their clutches they began to drain my life force leaving me as a dried-out empty old husk. Or something, I don't really know, but it felt nasty so I stabbed and shit and eventually managed to fight my way out and continue running aimlessly through the forest. There were weird sounds and some psychedelic lookin' lights that tried to tempt ol' Uncle Riddles into recreational drug use, but never fear! I perservered and made it through the jungle! Well, actually I blacked out somewhere along the line and then woke up back in the city. So in short, what. the. fuck. was all that?

It's Rhodes' fault, apparently. I suspected as much, Konaa's too dumb to stage something like that. Weird trenchcoat people are apparently some kind of... secret organization. How trite. Fucktards. And in possibly unrelated matters, I am now stuck in Indianapolis. I appear to be unable to access the Path now. So I'll be waiting for Lucifer to come pick me up (I called Archy but he's busy with I don't even fucking know anymore). Until he arrives, I figure I may as well have some fun being in an actual city again, since my little trip to Boston was all filled up with business matters. Mostly. I'm sure y'all remember how that turned out right?

It was fucking awesome!

Anyways, I'm gonna be chillin' I guess, do whatever it is people do in Indianapolis. I wouldn't know, but I guess I'll figure it out.

Stay frosty, my peeps, Uncle Ridley is always watching.

Awwwww man!

So, as some peoples may have seen, Konie-dawg was here in Maine. Of course, I couldn't just let such an opportunity slip by unnoticed, I simply HAD to go and say hi to my old buddy. But y'know, he was stayin' with Fifi and I don't think Archy would be happy with me just going over there and startin' shit. Plus, y'know, I still haven't gotten the Princess a present, and it would be rude to go start shit in her house without even giving a gift first. So I hads to wait. Which, y'know, sucked.

But oh happy day, it seems Konie-dawg ain't nearly so thickheaded as I thought, y'all know he wanted to find the Ark, well he actually managed to do it too. If only Jayjay were so lucky, but that nut with the trippy Youtube channel simply won't give the poor guy a break. Sad really. Anyways, there I am, chillin' with my homies, when suddenly here comes Konie-dawg and the Princess.

Clearly, thought I, ol' Tall Dark and Slender must've delivered me this moment Himself. Who would I be to waste such a gift? An ungrateful servant, that's who, and I was not about to be any such thing. They're comin' over and I call out to them all like, "Hey Konaa, how's it hangin' dawg?" Well that little bitch looks at me and he just looks pissed as hell, like he's not even glad to see his old pal Ridley. I was very hurt, let me tell you.

So then I'm just like "Yo dawg, what's got itself stuck up yo ass? It's been a while y'know, ain't you gonna say hey to your oldest and dearest friend?" He gets real mean at this point and says I am in fact NOT his oldest and dearest friend. Right through the heart, that one was. So then I'm all like "Bro, how can you say that? Don't you remember when I saved your life in Mexico? Or was that Germany? What about that time we snuck up on George W. and pantsed him? Surely you haven't forgotten that? How we all laughed over coffee in the Oval Office afterwards while you posted pics of his ass to the interweb? C'mon bro, don't do this to me!"

Well, at that point it became quite clear that my old buddy simply was not going to remember, so I thought I'd do him a solid and beat some sense back into him. I seemed to recall needing to pay him back for a dislocated shoulder he gave me in Boston. Y'all remember that, when I beat the living shit out of him and he turned and ran like a little pussy to hide in some warehouse. Followed by the total dick move of shoving a crate down on top of me. Remember? Course y'all do. I know I do. But anyhow, I walk over to 'em and I lay it down for Kones: I'm gonna pound the hell out of him, he's gonna take it, with a smile on his face. So maybe I might possibly scare the Princess, but that nothing I can't have Archy deal with later, right? Of course, let's kick some ass!

Well there I was, all set to get started on my gruesome task, when who should happen to appear but the 'ol Blackety White King Hisself, dressed for business as per usual. And I'm all like "Hey Master, be wit' you in jus' one mo', I gotta rough this fuck up first." But apparently He didn't like that idea. Because I start hearin' Him inside my head then. And He's all like "Ridley! Stop it! You're a dumbass! Your life is worthless and I shall soon devour your mortal soul! Burn! Burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn anddieandburnanddieandubrnandieburnandand
burnanduburnanbudieandburnandburnandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieburnanddie
burnanddieburnandieandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieandandandand
and over and over and over and forever im sorry master iwont never do it again i swear please dont hurt me agina masert i love you master i love doing your work i wont hurt the fools no more i swear master please no more master no more dont burn me dont throw me into the fiery abyss of flames and agony dont lock me in the closet again again master ill be a good boy and buy more peanut butter the next time i clena out the pnarty

And I swear, this went on for days, but in fact it was only like ten seconds and I looked up and the Master is staring into my soul, y'know like He does. And my boys are there, just rolling with laughter. I shot Kratz in the head and the rest of them shut up. Well, I looked back and there was the Master, still lookin' at me, and I could see He wasn't much happy 'bout the situation, as it were, and He reaches out one of His long arms and grabs me by the face and everything goes black and well, I don't know what the hell happened. I just woke up back in my room and naturally the first thing I did was to log on here and write all that out. Or maybe not. Oooh, mysterious, isn't it?

But dammit, Master, he was right there! I wasn't gonna hurt him. All that much. I was at least gonna let him get away so's I could come after him again, at least one more time. Cause three, y'know, three's a good number. Man, I swear and now Konie's on a train back to Boston and I'm stuck here until I don't fucking know. They're taking away my freedom peeps! Treating me like I'm their  dog or something and they can just tell me what to do!

Well, technically I guess they can. I'm sorry Master, please forgive my insubordination. And don't send me back to the Dark Place, please Master, please don't do it. I'll pay for the honeymoon once you and the Princess actually get hitched! Or y'know, at least point out a decent spot for ya or something.

Eh, whatever. Now I have to find something to amuse myself with. Hmm, The Master and His Princess... hmmm... TO THE FANFIC PAGES!!!!!!1111!!!1!1!!!!111

Later y'all. Stay frosty.

Updates and shit

I shot Cross in the face. Bastard tried to sneak up on me an' jack mah blog? I don't think so!

So yeah, shit's been taken care of. It's a good day I think.

Stay frosty, mah peeps. Uncle Ridley loves you all and hopes to come see you as soon as he can.

I return again, chillins

How y’all doin’ my chillins? Uncle Ridley is back again and of, what’s this? Uncle Ridley gots his own little blog thingie now? Why, golly gee, what WILL they think of next? And why am I making everything into a question?

I don’t know but maybe we can find out together. 

Now for all y’all still checkin’ up on Coronado over in the place where time is still bleeding apparently, you see that He Who Fears Contractions is still up in stuffy old Maine, which promises to be far less dangerous now that certain rogue elements have disappeared. And yet it seems that there shall be such fascinatingly FABULOUS happenings during my absence that I almost do wish I could be back there. Aw well, whatever...

Hopefully I’ll be able to return soon and pay my respects to our new Princess. She was too hot for that little nerd kid and his whiny little bitch of a brother anyways. I should probably bring her a gift of some kind---- I wonder what would be appropriate? Eh, fuck it, I’ll be on this job for a while, plenty of time to figure out something.

Now the reason I’ve got me own bloggetyblag now is quite simple. Because Sandro’s going to be doing his thing over there and Imma be doin’ my thing over here. See, simpel. I know, I know, gotta make sure all you nonenlighteneded runner/fighter/blasphemer/haunted/stalked/inserstdorkishnamehere can understand what I’m sayin’.  That’s really the most important thing here folks, cause ya see, I’m------ wait for it-----

ON THE ROAD AGAIN, BABY!

That’s right ladies and gents, for the first time in oh so very long, the Master is allowing me the return of my freedom. Well, mostly. Technically I’m supposed to be going after Archy’s little pets while he’s busy with the Princess up in Hicktown, Maine. So I’m doing that. Don’t mean I can’t have some fun along the way though, and I most certainly plan to live it up while I can.

Oh yeah, and Robbie-boy's just positively cuckoo, thinking he'd be able to steal my bike tires. Can you believe the nerve a this guy?

Until I feel like getting back to y'all again, y'all stay frosty. We're always watching. Even cuckoo-boy, random shit floating around is not inconspicuous.


Later, bitchez.