I know a secret down in Uncle Tom's cabin

So this Book. I guess I'll tell y'all about this thing. Not like I have anything better to do at the moment. No matter what Legacy might say, I see no reason to be so fucking alert all the time. I mean hell, we have been driving through these damn fields for an hour now and we ain't seen another living soul. Might have seen a couple dead ones, I'm not really sure. They could've been hiding.




The Book is called the G̢os̴p͠el͢ of͠ ͡Ec҉cle͡sius̀, also known as the B̴͜͞l҉a̢͘c̸͡k̷͡ To̶͢ḿ̛ę̷ ̸̢o̧f ͟͠͞B͏̶͟y͠z̧͏ant̢́i̷͘ư̴m̡̀, also known as the Ecclesyastical War Journal, also known as the  B̶̲̗̣̺͖̜̫͈̯͈̠͉͍͓̙̜̗̗̑̌ͨ̊̃͑͘͜ͅl̷̢̛̥̖̹̮͕̰̬̣̮̗̽́́ͦͫ̏͒̊͒̊̑͂̊̊̆̿ͦ̎͘a͈͎̹͙̥͓̟̠̱ͫͮ̅̽͂̾ͭ̚͘͢c̢̛̛̞̣̹̮̿̈̐͌̑̌ͫ̈́ͫͤ͗̾̃͝͞k̶̠̹͚̱̲̆̔ͮ͊͌͊̑̐ͧ̊̔̌́ͬ͊͋̿̑̏͜͝w̴͇̪̜̱̝͔̣͈ͩͥ̏̃ͬ̃͢e̢̡̱̜̣̬̺̼͕̻ͨ͑̅́ͮ̆̿̅̂̇̓ͧ͌ͤ̂̃̈́́̚͢͡l̴̮̯͙̜̦̗̫͔͚͈͉̯͉̜͔̬̼̲ͮ̅̃̎ͬ̂̍ͬ̈͗͊ͬ̾͆̕d̴̓̈́͆ͥ̐ͮ̓̊ͥ̅͋ͯͫ̏ͬ́̚҉̶̺̲͚̪͚̤̣͖̦͍e̶͂͊̉ͫ͒̇̌̑͛͢͠҉̱̻͓͖ŗ̷̸̴̷͖͕̬̫̯̳͙̮̱̪̥̖͙̮͖͔̘̗ͮ̌̑͊̋̂͂̑ͅ ̧̼̹̰̯̺͍̰͇̜̉̄̇̑ͩ̒ͬ̌̔̔ͬ͛ͪͩͩ̄͐ͨͩ̕ͅAͥ̾ͣͥͫ͐̊̓͆͏̹̰̻̲̹͈̦̭̪̲̪͇̝̰͟͝r̶͇̻̪̺̞̱͚̟̺̰͓̼͎̤̲̺̆̆̇͗̈̊ͦ̌́ͫͦ̇̈̾ͪ͊̋ͥ̚͝c̴̢̺̖͙͉ͣ̐͊̏̆̐̊͢ͅh̵̷̨̩͙͓͙͚͈̦̦͚͕̓ͯ͆͛ͯ̔̈́ͮͪ̾̚͡į̐ͦͬ̿͛ͩͧ̎͏̴̤̥̫̖͇̖͚͉̼̟̩̦̞̞v̸̡̨͍͓͖̫̙̖̂̈́̍̌̒ͯ͋̏̏͂̀͞e̴̵̙̯̠̤̦͎̲̟͂͛̈́́̎ͧͬ̂̚͡͠͠ also known as the Bitchinest Noodle Cookbook of the Fourth Century Monks, also known as fuck this I stopped listening to him when I realized he was still just listing off different names for the fucking Book. Huh, I keep capitalizing 'Book', I wonder what the hell's up with that? Eh, probably not important. Anyway, eventually mah nigga Legacy here actually got into some useful information. Well, depending on your definition of useful. I guess technically it is relevant to our situation. here. Essentially, what it boils down to is that the book was written by some monks like two thousand years ago in Rome. Not really monks, I guess. I wasn't really paying a whole hell of a lot of attention to this story at this point, because I don't really care all that much about some two thousand year old history. Unless it involves Jesus driving a tank into Jerusalem and demanding the Muslims kiss the asses of the Jews less he unleash his divine tank powered fury upon them. That   w0uld be pre`t_ty b̶o̴̝̯̟̻ͅs:$.

`Fuck dAmmi t% &&&&&&
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 cynnwys y clwb het i ddynion y meistr yn eu caru
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Sorry 'bout that. Legacy's doin' something with the Path and Master just popped in. It's very inconvenient, but what can you do? He has a lot of travelin' to do after all.

Anyway. The part where I began to really become interested was when he started explaining how Oblivion is tied to all this. Wonder where that fucker is, we totally haven't seen him in a while. Apparently Oblivion actually was just a normal guy once upon a time. Then he found this Book. And he became obsessed with studying the thing. Spent many many years just trying to crack the secrets this thing holds. Of course, it drove him mad. And in his madness, the Master came to him. Apparently the Book actually sort of attracts supernatural beings to it, as well as p`eople who are connected to supernatural things, or just spend too much damn time around them. But that only works within kind of a small range. Sort of explains some things, if in a kind of retarded and lazy way, almost as though the person writing the script were getting bored. I think H̷̵́ớm͏̛e̢s͜t̨͜ų̧͢c͏͠k̸
 will still be there tomorrow, asshole. But hey, I'm not one to complain, it makes sense at least, which is more than I can say for a lot of other shit that goes on around here.

So Master finds the dude that would become Oblivion and basically says hey, come and be my bitch and I'll save you from that Evil Book, otherwise Imma fuck you shit up something fiercer, dawg! Oblivion, being the dumbass we all know and really despise, replies with no thanks bro, I got 'dis shit down. Also I use it to keelz you 'cause ugly tall man is must die by Evil Book power! Raeging Justice! Alright, I vastly oversimplified the whole account, but essentially that's what it boils down to: Oblivion turns down the offer to work for Master and then trying to attack Him with a Boo|k. Book Lasers! ZAP! ZAP! The PTC are down now, so I guess we'll need someplace to get our laser fix from anyway. Then Oblivion managed to disappear and they don't know for sure really what actually happened to him after that. Baron Zemo is watching you cook chickenn. He suspects that getting rid of the Book was part of his scheme to shrink black men's dicks because he was jealous of us gettin' all the bitchez. Waitaminute, that may've just been the movie I was watching on TV last night. Nevermind.

I kinda lost track of where I was, so I'll just take this opportunity to transition totally naturally into the next part of the story. The part where I regale you all with tales of all the crazy shit we've been getting into since the last time I updated this stupid blog. (I'm sorry blog, I didn't mean that. I love you. No, please don't make me sleep on the sofa again tonight, I said I was sorry!) Legacy and I caught up with Madi and Lucy in Nebraska. Lucy-boy is one crazy fuck. I'm sure you all knew that, I just thought I'd point that out again. We got the Book back. After Lucifer tore a couple pages out. And tried to set it on fire. And killed a few of Legacy's minions. Fun fun fun. But that was all a day or two before we got there. What happened in the meantime, you \might be wondering? The Book decided to punish Lucifer for assaulting it, so it zapped him with lasers. No, not really. Actually what happened was, when he tried to burn it, the Book did catch on fire. It caught a lot on fire. It sort of became a roaring pillar of flame that engulfed Lucifer and spit him back out, all nice and crispy like a side of ribs and also just like a side of ribs, just a little bit dead. Not that I care or nuthin' but dammit, now the only person I have left here is the maimed girl who was taking orders from a puppet! This is unfuckingacceptable! Legacy's assholes disposed of Lucifer's bod<y, which was starting to ooze black shit and apparently had the scent of burning leaves about it. I guess that's a warning to everyone to not allow Eldritch beings to do things to your person. Legacy hasn't learned his lesson, because, no, he did not notice that he kept bleeding all over the fucking place. He did almost break my nose and cut off my middle finger though. How am I supposed to show people my approval using a one-finger gesture n-- oh wait, I was getting a thumb's up confused with that other thing again, wasn't I? Well, I guess I'm glad to still have my thumb, but it's rather aggravating trying to type with a finger missing. Especially since I continue to overuse words with i's in them. Fuckin' a!

:Legacy's people have been safeguarding the Book to keep other supernaturally-inclined nutjobs from attempting to take similar action. They say all's been well except for a few occasions where they think they saw somebody watching the hideout. Oh, and the night before we arrived when somebody did try to break in and then ran off when they shot at him. Didn''t manage to get a g|limpse at the guy. Whoever it was, I just have this to say: all your base are will belong to us. Make your time. Bit`ch.

What we done been doin' the past last couple days then? Well Legacy's been going over some kind of plan. He says the A̧̫̯̬͇͐͊̈́̉ͪͮ̿͑̈̌ͨ͜͡ŗ̄̍̑ͬ҉̲͉͉̜̗̠̝̩̮̘̗̣̦̞̜͉͎c̛̞͓̳̮̭̭̤̪̠̰̦͇͖͍̩̃͐̃͛͆ͯ͛̀̋ͥ̋̐̎ͬ̓̑͆̚̕͡ͅḣ̵̛̍̿ͨͫ̏ͣ̓̐̍̒̚͏҉̷̪͓̻͚͕̗̝̬̻̥̳͚̹ͅiͮ̐͒ͥ̔ͮ̈̿͏̢̟͇̝̖̣͖͠͠ṽ̵̾ͤ̔͗ͦ̎̒́ͫ̿̍̏̂̽͞͠҉̯͓̳͙͕̦̼̖̖̬̬̖ͅͅͅͅe̔ͭ̊̄͛̌̐̓̀͏̝͎̣͙̱̩͕͕̞̮̘̖̥̳͞ is something we must not allow to fall into enemy hands. They're really takin' this shit seriously, they even brought two more revenants out here, as if they're actually special or something. Aww, so cute. Some creepy ass twins who are snipers. Retarded music names, I can't be bothered to remember. They kinda creep me out though, `all emotionless actin' and shit. Actually all of Legacy's people are kind of creepy. I think they hate me. I'm pretty sure the only reason they ain't killed me is because so far I'm the only person that's been able to read the Book, even if the Book won't let me remember what I read in it. I might have to actually try to not piss them off too much, they already took one of my fingers. Dillholes.

Anyway, plans yes. Just kidding, you didn't really think I'd talk about those on here, did you? I don't believe I've ever done anything stupid like that. On purpose. Not_completely on purpose anyway.

TL;DR: Oblivion went crazy over a Book, got his ass beat by MC Slender Twenny, Lucifer was killed by the same stupid Book, Master is fucking up my computer, and Legacy and his people are dicks. That's really all you needed to know. If there was more, my editor didn't point it out, and she loved my post, so fuck you!

Did I con̗̗t̺ŕ̘̺̞a̜̯̟̥̣͎̻d̲̲̜ict myself regarding locations up there? Uh, that was totally on purpose |and meant to throw you perverts off my trail. Totes, dawg.

Stay frosty.