Wednesday, August 22, 2012

submission #2



[sounds of gunshots followed by yelling in the background, unable to pick up words. heavy breathing and footsteps pounding against wet pavement. loud crash and more gunshots before what is presumably a door being shut and locked followed by several minutes of white noise interspersed with garbled unintelligible sounds. finally:]

don't have- shit- I don't have much time...

The puppet found me again- not sure how, this place was supposed to be safe. They told me it was safe...

Ahh, damn! okay, okay- my name is leroy carter, i was an employee of the Blackwelder Corporation... I had been assigned to spy on a certain Alejandro Coronado, an agent of the entity known as the Slender Man. 987ftdhnadsf987 during a stakeout one night i was discovered and knocked out by the being that calls itself oblivion. i woke up several weekss ago in a dumpster in Seattle. i don't know what's going on anymore... i lost track of time- apparently have over a year missing from my memory. I tried t o contact my superiors but i have been unable to find any record that the Blackwelder Corporation has ever existed...

somehow though i got caught up in all this shit. i still dont' know for sure why they want to kill me, though there are a few [garbled] I don't know. heh heh it's their own damn fault, if they'd have left me alone I probably wouldn't have found out about any of this. [coughing] shit... but now I'm gonna blow the lid off the whole damn thing

Coronado is dead, killed months ago by Ridley's cousin. sure he's told you that, unless he's dead too... SHIT! [loud crash and a blast of static followed by several minutes of the sound of running]

oka-ay fuck hold on... thing is fuck he knew he was going to die, new he HAD to die then. he played all of us like like like shit i don't even fucking know. but the point is i know why the higher ups wanted to off Ridley. He was Iscariot's pupil and more loyal to him than to the organization. Coronado planted some kind of suggestion in Ridley's brain, exactly what i still can't say for certain but i think it had something to do with the Redlight cult and EAT. Dammit there's too much going on here, I don't have enough time to- shit!

calm down... Need to pull myself together andget through as much of this as I can. Iscariot wanted to get together a team that could [REDACTED],

so he set up Ridley as his successor. except that Ridley was too unpredictable and didn't follow orders. shit, okay dammit! Those motherfuckers herded me into a dead-end. Shit shit shit shit

[REDACTED] last thing you need to know is that Ridley is lying. Or someone is lying to him. The records claimed that Iscariot had been sent through time before, so maybe that was him I kill Vesuvius. Why aren't they coming in here yet? Oh fuck dammit

[very heavy distortion makes the next minute and a half unintelligible]

have to kill me first you Wooden piece of shit! [gunshots] Aaaaaahhhhhhhjp9iyadf8g9fadgmodfpipigjhsdfgh [distortion fades into a rhythmic beeping noise which continues for almost twenty minutes before the tape runs out]

apologies for having to redact some parts of the account, but we don't want our enemies getting too knowledgeable now do we

and dont worry, ridley will be back to pick up his little recap for you again soon. we've all gotten ourselves into a bit of a tricky situation it seems

be seeing you

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Fragments; part 1

[these fragments are taken from the section of the Blackwelder Archives dubbed 'the Book of the Seventh Ark' by company scholars; the meaning of this title is not known, the reports of the original research crew that discovered the manuscript were all lost in a mysterious fire that broke out in the R&D Library, A.D. 19XX; the beginning of the record is not extent in any existing copies of the manuscript; author and date of composition are not known]

[...] we were later to discover that the subject [...] (h)ad become a pawn of the formerly human enti(ty) [...] only by its self-given title "OBLIVION." What exactly the OBLIVION-entity was or what were the extent of its powers, we have yet been unable to determine. Its machinations appear to be centred around an attempt to destroy a being referred to by this world's natives as the "Slender Man." All further study into the nature of this "Slender Man" has been called off by high command following the last failed attempt at gathering information, in which the entire team, consisting of thirty-four men, was wiped out by the entity. Adding in this little side operation, that brings our death toll to one hundred and seventeen thus far. High command has issued orders that we are to avoid unnecessary danger henceforth, as, they say, it is becoming increasingly expensive to replace lost personnel. As such, all [...]

[fragment missing]

[...] to continue on with the excavation of the Nekross portal site. If not for the fact that we are now very close to finding the envoy of the Darkness on this world, we would already have left. The Dimensional Bleeding has spread at an unprecedented rate here, so that Dr. Nagast has surmised that we have at most only two weeks before this universe completely Collapses. That would make only about three months between Breach and Collapse. Such rapid deterioration of [...] has never been observed before; Professor Abendroth hypothesizes that this may be due to the nature of the [...]

[this portion of the fragment was badly damaged and only some random parts could be deciphered]

[...] cleansing fire from out of the Archangel's Tomb, they might possibly be able to [...] that if there was ever a [...] seventeen of the test subjects that [...] later had to be removed from the [...] (Col)lapse of the anteri(or) [...] severed chest of the Nekross envoy. High Command has demanded that we retreat immedia(tely) [...]

[end first fragment]

Sunday, May 20, 2012


How 'bout all you motherfuckers just leave me the fuck alone. Go on, fuck off.

No, I'm sorry. That was rude of me. How long's it been, three, four weeks? Over two months, you say? Bullshit, it can't possibly have been that lo- FUCK!

Dear sweet baby Jesus, I do apologize. I lost track of time. In my defense though, dicking around with dimensional bleeding has been known to have effects like that. Though honestly, I actually thought I had gained some time. Which, actually, I did, but then I went and bullshitted around a lot and cancelled it out. Well no, that's not entirely true, I got shit done. Got lot's of shit done. So much shit got done, it be smellin' like done-up shit all up in this joint. Fuck that, what the fuck was I even saying? Oh yeah, shit gettin' done. Anyway...

I bet you're all wonderin' all this stuff I'm talkin' about here, am I right? Damn right I'm right. Unfortunately, at this juncture I am unable to reveal anything of significance regarding most of these matters. Sorry 'bout that, but I have my orders, and for once I intend to actually follow them. They have given me great incentive to do so. No, I will not tell you what that is. Yes, I am attempting to be mysterious and shit. It is quite fun, I must say.

Speaking of mysterious shit, the reason I came back here. A certain Jerusalem Black. It's a lovely name, it really is, don't you think? I just don't know what the hell it's doing on my blog. We're all well aware that this blog has been hijacked for cryptic shit on many previous occasions, but now they're actually getting their own accounts and adding them on here. That's wonderful, just fucking wonderful. I'm really being serious, it is wonderful, adds a touch of class to the proceedings that gets lost when you just go ahead and hack into my account to post shit. Anybody can do that. It's nice to see that I've attracted a higher caliber of cryptic asshole this time around.

I really shouldn't be taking such a long time writing this, I am very busy after all. Technically I'm not even supposed to be doing this anyway, they did order me to stop. But fuck, I've been a good boy and followed orders, I think I deserve a break. However, I am at present unable to commit to writing on here at any time in the foreseeable future. We'll see how that goes. In the meantime, I'm sure our friend "Black" can keep you all company. He'll be coming back, I have a good feeling that he shall.

In truth, I've not been keeping up with the blogosphere at all recently, so all you motherfuckers could be dead for all I know. I do know of several people for sure. Oh, but Benny-boy and the lovely Ms. Dia are still around, that's good, glad to see you folks. Stick around, shit might happen. Possibly. It's not entirely inconceivable, at any rate.

Stay frosty, assholes. I may not be watchin' anymore, but there's always someone out there.
You can rest assured of that.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Letter

Dearest Ridley,

It really isn't polite the way you've kept your fans waiting so long.

I'm sure they're just dying to know what you've been up to these last two months.

Personally, I can't wait to hear what kind of ridiculous spin you put on everything that's gone on.

Rest assured, boys and girls, this isn't nearly over yet. We have so many things to show you before all is said and done. So sit tight and wait for the show to begin again.

I've a feeling we shan't be disappointed.

Your humble servant,
On Your Way to Oblivion

Monday, March 12, 2012


My dear Ridley,

You do so enjoy making yourself look good, don't you?

Slender Man saved you from the bureaucrats? Hardly. It isn't nice to lie to your faithful following like that. 

Don't think I care about you. I just couldn't bear the thought of anyone other than myself punching your ticket. Especially not those pencil-pushers who are all going to be dead as soon as... Apologies, that would be spoilers.

Also, I do hope you enjoyed my little present. You were quite right, the Dying Man did use up Legacy's body quite some time ago. What's been following you these last few months is something entirely different.

Too bad I had to make reality unstable just to pull it off, but what fun would life be without a little risk? I've had too long a vacation. OBLIVION did his job well enough while he lasted, but he was only ever meant to be a distraction.

The real fun starts now, my boy.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Crystal Blue Persuasion: Better get ready to see the light

So I headed down to check in with the local bigwig like I said, right?

No sooner had I crossed the threshold into this den of iniquity but the fucker signals his flunkies to beat my ass to the ground. Considering I was outnumbered seven to one, I put up a righteous opposition, if I do say so myself. Sliced open one cocksucker's gut, and put out another's eyes. Nevertheless, the tide quickly turned against me and I was soon a captive of the foul mongrel.

Upon having attained my undivided attention, he proceeded to lay the facts on me. The bread and butter of the situation is that upstairs thinks I've gotten my ass too far involved in shit that they don't want to be fucking around with. They say I'm a "liability" and they had to get rid of me. As if. I mean, you guys have been following me this whole time, right? You can testify that never have I done anything that could possibly be a danger to noble and most honorable proxy bureaucracy. I've been a model agent, they just hatin'. It's all politics in this gig.

Well, maybe not all of it. Seems they forgot to consult with the Big Man about offing me. Right as the head honcho was about to punch my ticket, who should appear in our midst but the Slender Man himself. Those plebeians all start bowin' down to Him and shit, so what does Slendy do? Grabs their dickless leader and twists his fucking head off. Sweet shit. As you can well imagine, the rest of the crowd were eager to get out of there, and get out they did. Gave me one of His looks and then tossed my ass out a window. I was knocked unconscious when my head made the acquaintance of the pavement. I woke up just twenty minutes ago outside a truckstop in Idaho. You have no idea how much I love waking up in random states like this. Just fucking wonderful.

Hold on...

Oh, you son of a bitch, get your ass back here right the fuck

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

You can drive my car just as much as you like.

So after I got out of that loop Doc stuck me in, I decided to fuck up some of his plans a bit. He had some eldritch locations set up around places to be used for black magick ceremonies and shit. I decided they had a bit of an evil, depressed feeling about them, so I got myself some holy water, sprinkled it around, and now they're just the happiest places. Completely useless for dark voodoo Nazi magick, but one can't have everything.

After fucking around a bit with that, I decided it would be a good idea to figure out where I was. As it turns out, I somehow ended up in Saskatchewan. Feeling nauseous in the grotesque, sickeningly-not-American Canadian air, I quickly leapt onto the Trail of Ebony Foliage, waved good-day to a certain young Jewish man stabbing bushes behind the arcade, and leapt off, arriving back in Chicago.

It's quite an interesting thing to see when those boys in Fisk's unit actually do their job right. No trace that either Jonas or my people were ever here. Now that is what I call a job well done. If only all of us were as dedicated to doing a good job. At least half the time.

Cadence and Arpeggio got reassigned after I 'disappeared.' Not sure what happened to Hazendorf and Death's Head. I'm going to check in with the local adminstration office and see about getting myself a new squad. And learn exactly why I was never informed about the weekly newsletter (thank you Freedomcaged, for bringing this to my attention). Doc said he was looking for me, but honestly I'd have thought he'd already be here. I still don't really know what's going on, but you know what? I'm tired of this shit. It's time to fucking party.

Stay frosty. And keep an eye out, we're always watching.