Saturday, October 29, 2011

Hang my head, drown my fear; til' you all just disappear

Hey ladies and ugly people, how do?

I'm afraid I don't have much time. We still haven't heard from Legacy, but Roulette says that with the Dying Man obviously up to something here we should go ahead with the plan as soon as possible. I may not have really mentioned the plan before, which would be because I never really got to hear what it was exactly we were going to be doing. Legacy's been working it out since before he came and got me in Wyoming. He had an informant, you see, who'd been feeding him information about what he needed to do with the Book once he'd gotten it from me. A rather annoying informant who speaks in red text and all caps and who seems to think hacking my blog is a fun recreational activity. Well, he did, before he ended up all dead. Or something. Either way he's been quiet for a long time, so here's hoping.

That's how Legacy got all that information about the Book and OBLIVION, I guess? Don't know why the fucker would care about telling one of us all that, since he was apparently trying to get rid of the Boss, but whatever the fuck. We're going to the corporate office of Crazy Ass Shit Unlimited. For some of my newer readers, who may not recall my previous adventures with Iscariot, that would be the fucked up dimensionally bleeding building we ran into once or twice way back when. And OBLIVION mentioned it, I guess.

For everyone that wasn't too lazy to read through those, you can see that this is just going to be so fucking awesome. Just great. I love it, I really do.

Fucking stay frosty, motherfuckers.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

When your fears subside, and shadows still remain

Sorry about that y'all. Roulette's a bit of a motherfucker. What am I saying, he's a huge motherfucker. I can't apologize enough for leaving my blog in the hands of that douchebag. My hand has healed up nicely so I am once again able to be the one to keep y'all updated on all the awesome shit that's been goin' down around here. Fuck Roulette for breaking my hand too. I don't recall if he mentioned that to y'all, but it's true that he did. Fuckwhore.

So anyway, he did mention to y'all that we've got our own stalker here, nice distinguished older gentleman that we've seen hangin' around outside the place here and there. Before that we had a number of different folks who we'd see for maybe a day or so, and we'd never see the same person more than once or twice. None of them would ever get too close though, and if anyone tried to go out and start some shit with 'em they'd just up and disappear.

That does not seem to be the case any longer, however. Might have something to with the fact that Legacy's missing. A couple days ago he left to go take care of some business elsewhere, and we just haven't heard from him since. Well yesterday, our stalker buddy shows up again, but this time he's chillin' literally on our doorstep. Death's Head behaved in a less than hospitable manner towards this, said she was tired of seein' the fucker, and she was gonna put a stop to this shit. She goes outside with her big fucking knife and just starts filling the guy full a holes. Now most of us aren't crazy enough to get in her way when she starts gettin' all nuts, but Roulette seems to think he's the team leader or something while Legacy's gone, and he's either got some serious balls or I just gave him too much credit presenting him as the sane man around here. Because as soon as he found out what was going on, he heads out to try and stop her.

It didn't turn out too well. He tried to tranquilize her, but she only turned around and nearly took his bitch head off. Then the old man, somehow not dead, grabs her and tosses her through the window. Well, he tried to anyway, his arm kinda fell off and dropped her in the window. That was a bloody fucking mess. Roulette gets up and then goes back down, the old guy punched him back and he fell down the stairs, knocks his stupid head on the concrete and goes out like a light.

Well that just left me and old No-Name hangin' around, watchin' the action throug the broken window. He looks in at us and I see that his face is pretty fucked up. All scarred and shit, wrinkled and lookin' like some strips of flesh is missin'. He grins at us, revealing that most of his teeth are gone and the ones that ain't are black and rotten, just like his gums. He laughs, then walks out of view and we see the front door close. I walk over and check it out, and the fucker's just gone.

While I was busy contemplating about what kind of crazy fuck shows up looking like death, knocks out our dudes and then is nice enough to close the door before he goes, we hear some gunshots coming from the inner rooms. We go in, check that shit out, find Hansel and Gretel and a whole shit-ton of bullet holes all around. They was guarding the Book, which I check up on and see that all seems to be in order. Apparently the old guy walked in through the closet and... actually, they couldn't really agree on what happened after that. Cadence says he lunged at them and they just shot at him, but somehow the bullets were just missing him. And then he sliced both their heads off. Arpeggio says he just strolled in, the lights went out and then she was gettin' impaled on her own gun like she was the sheriff's daughter and Michael Myers came to call

Obviously neither of these can be correct, what with them both being not dead.

Or at least, we don't think so. We seem to have deduced the identity of our mysterious stalker. The Dying Gentleman. Like the Boss, only without a body, so he possesses folks. And then they die and shit. So not really like the Boss all that much really. It makes sense now why we kept seeing different people around, he kept using up his hosts. Though we're not sure why he was using this most recent one for so long, it seems he pretty well used that one all up. The disappearing act he kept pulling was just hopping through the City. That at least might've been obvious. It would've also seemed obvious that he was comin' for the Book, except that he had the damn thing right in his sight and decided not to grab it. We're... not altogether sure what to make of that.

There are new pages in the A̺̱͑̈́̃͂̂́r̵̯̠̮͙͎̯̗͑͊͒͐̂́͝ͅc͗ͣ̌͐ͯ̑ͥ̀ͧ͏͏̞̠̬̩h̴̤ͪͣͩͣ͘͞i̢̡̲̬͙̝͓̲̥̓ͫͅv̶̵̡͖͔̰͉ͬ̉ͭ̈́ȩ̮͕̯̽ͪ̐ now. Things I can actually read without whatever supernatural shit is in that thing getting all up inside my head. Not that it would matter, but it doesn't match with anything I read in it before. Der Ritter. The Guardians of the Bloody Prophet. 666. The Scarlet Knights. The Dying Man. The Beast. Exit Light. Black Leaves. The Aperture.
Roulette broke the fucking thing, I'm having trouble holding it together now. It only works so long as I can't remember. She's trying to break it down too. The Wooden Bitch. I've seen what she's sending through the TV. Couldn't get at us in person with the Master showing up every time she tries shit.
Legacy's a doomed man. He stayed with the delusion right up until the end, couldn't understand why his body wouldn't fit back together after the Red Man cut him in half. Maybe he was just a bit more gone than normal though, lying there in a puddle of his own blood as the darkness slowly came and devoured him. The twins fared somewhat better at least. Cadence never even got to see what took him out when one of the puppets came from behind and chopped off the top of his head. Arpeggio was with Madi at the very end; somehow they'd managed to crawl out of the explosion, but then the crows came and picked off what was left of their flesh. The Master stood by and watched as they expired. He didn't think much of the Scarlet Specter's devotion to her messiah, so he repaid her for the death of his minions with the death of hers.
A hundred corpses filled the town by the time it was all over. Bodies rendered limb from limb, bleeding and burnt, a last look of terror stuck on their fucking traitorous faces. I could hear their screams echo from out of hell. The streets ran red with blood.
Fuck, did I actually just say that?
No-Name received such a terribly dull end. A stray bullet caught him in the back and pierced his heart. Kind of ironic I suppose, since he'd been invested in carving out the heart of the Black Knight's accomplice when it hit. Roulette had been facing the Black Knight, but he really should've learned how to fight. Poison doesn't do so well against a gun. Or maybe it was that gaping hole that his intestines were hanging out of. That could've been what did him in. Sullivan... well he just got fucked in the end.
Is that how it went? Maybe I only read them in my head after all.
I should stop.

So that's been our week. How 'bout the rest of y'all, how are you fuckers? Keepin' it frosty I hope.

Monday, October 24, 2011

IHe really shouldn't have done that.
Roulette's a real motherfucker, ain't he? I apologize, I don't know what came over me. Lettin' that asswipe write on my blog, I musta been high. Actually, that's not an entirely improbable... thing that could've happened. I think the psychotic bitch has been slippin' shit into my drinks. She totally wants me. I'd be flattered normally, but with her there's a very likely possibility that I'd wake up in the morning and find myself dead. Dead Ridleys are the enemy. We don't like dead Ridleys.

All you violent, insane, proxy-killing runners can just shut the fuck up. Nobody likes you. That's how we're different. I have fans. You jelly.

But let's get into the meat of the story, shall we. The reason I'm here now. Legacy's missing. He went out to take care of some business a few days ago and nobody's seen him since. We've noticed that the guy stalking us has been coming closer since Legacy's been gone. Death's Head went psycho (well for her I guess that's really completely normal) and went out after him. This time he actually stuck around to fight her. Or rather, he stuck around to let her beat the shit outta him. She got real excited when he didn't react at all to getting stabbed in the chest. Thought that meant she'd get to fuck him up pretty bad before he finally bit it. And she proceeded to do so pretty well; but when he still didn't react at all to anything she did, she started gettin' pissed. Then he knocked her to the ground.

By this time, Roulette had gone out after her. He's appointed himself leader in Legacy's absence and said he couldn't let the bitch get out of control. Bit late for that, but alright. Roulette punches the guy, but gets thrown down like he was a dummy. I thought this shit had gone on too long and decided that a shot right between the eyes would serve as a nice finish to things. I would've done so too, but the dude looks up at me then and... well fuck, I just couldn't move. There was something with his eyes. They were just wrong, not human. His face was wrong too, though that could've just been the fact that he'd been stabbed there several dozen times. Except that he wasn't bleeding, least not that I could see. I heard the fucker laugh and then I wake up to find myself dead thrown unceremoniously up against the wall of Legacy's office where the rest of the folk were meeting about stuff.

We're going to have to alter the plan now. I think I know which one of these fuckers is sending off information to the Order. If I can just manage to gather enough energy to get out...

I caught the gist of it. The dude appeared inside the complex, outside the room where Legacy locked up the Book. Cadence and Arpeggio were on guard duty and saw him just walk in and then jump out the window before they could do anything. Oh, and there's just one other small matter. Really, not hardly worth mentioning. He's dead. Jumped out the window, it was the third floor, he went splat. Roulette checked over the body, because I guess being an ex-assassin somehow makes you a certified coroner, and he says the guy's been dead for at least a week. When I said he went splat, he really did. The body's already got a couple weeks worth of decaying done, and there's hardly a drop of blood left in it.

With these bits of solid evidence, we believe we now know the identity of our mysterious stalker friend. It's just lovely really how-

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Ridley seems to be... I don't know what exactly he's doing, but I noticed he has a number of posts saved as drafts that are... odd. I thought I'd share them with you all before he kicks me off the blog for good. He'll probably try to kick my ass when he sees what I've done, but honestly it's been much too quiet around here since we escaped the wooden girl again. Anything to break up the monotony can't be too bad.

8/15/2011 Exit Light
hush little baby, don't say a word

and nevermind that noise you heard

it's just the beast under your bed

in you closet, in your head

9/13/2011 Go d�wn like some ©`disgraced co$mo~naut

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After recieving the book and looking it over for a while and not gaining any damn clue as to what the hell I was supposed to do with it, I stuffed it into the dresser underneath the clean underwear I stole from the store down the road. Feeling that I should rest up so I might return to stalking the next day, I headed to bed. Later that night (or possibly early the next morning, I don't recall exactly) I was awoken by the sound of someone in my room. For someone in my line of work this a not-unexpected occurrence, and so I was prepared with my gun in my pillow. I promptly switched on the light and aimed my piece at the intruder. I was not so prepared to see Madi pulling the book out of the dresser and make a break for the door when she saw she'd woken me. I recovered myself quickly, however, and made haste after the treacherous βitch. She attempted to put up a fight, but I knocked her out the window.There was an odd noise though and I looked out the window to see that I was looking not out into the alley next to the hotel, but at the infinite and ever-changing skyline of the Empty City. I thought this rather odd and would have made investigated, but they assured me all was well and that as the V, I would be protected right up until.the prper time .Thus I returned the book to my dresser drawer and resumed �sleeping.
                 The next morning, I got up, ate my breakfast, bought a morning paper and then headed across town to torment a certain teenage girl on her w@y to school. I had been slacking off in my duty lately, with all this bullshit going on, and felt it only proper that I finish this shit the right way. Stupid cops. Can't be bothered to give a fuck about the crazy ass white folks 'causing a ruckus until it gets out of hand, but they can find the suspicious looking black guy easy enough. Then again, there are only like a dozen black folk in the whole place, I guess I'm sort of conspicuous. Nah, fuck that, they're just                               . Anyway, the cops pull me oβ`@~+g4g\{]||%3d`'

The date on the next one was messed up, not sure what the deal is with that.

It was also empty except for the title.

10/__/2011? he never gives he's always a taker


Dear sir,

____, the big cheese, how are you? I see that as always, you've done very little in the way of taking care of yourself. Keep it ducky, bro. You might wanna do something about that baby vamp o' yours, I see the milquetoast mulligan hasn't been working on her manners, though I guess I can't rightly say for sure he's a harp. She's becoming quite the Mrs. Grundy. But hell, you ain't no floorflusher yourself, nor are you upstage. In my opinion you're more of a zozzled goof who thinks he's a bimbo. But that skirt there got a face that's water-proof, she could be a smarty sure 'nough. Then she'll done need a sheik, mayhaps this fine daddy-o 'cause that weren't no hayburner, I gots me the rubes.

I know, I know, I should mind my potatoes. But you think over my offer. I can assure you everything's Jake over here, and we look forward to your coming, we've been hittin' on all sixes. Don't be late again, or Reggie says he'll have to send you to sleep with the fishies.

And that's terrible.


Riddles V

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Criminy. Ridley saw that I posted here. Now he's demanding that I write stuff for him until his stupid hand heals up. What a crybaby.

Oh for the love of... he's standing behind me right now pointing his gun at my head. He just smacked me on the back of the head with it. Methinks the man doth take this far too serious. I don't even know what he expects me to put down here, nothing particularly interesting has happened since I wrote yesterday. I have been reading through some more of these blogs in my free time. They tend to fall into one of two categories: drivel and rather amusing if atrociously-written comedy. Honestly, can't you folks convey any idea without dropping f-bombs ever other word? It's simply barbaric.

Yes Ridley, I am referring to you as well. No, I shall not be looking up lyrics for one of your idiotic rock and roll songs for the title. If it bothers you, well I just don't particularly care if it bothers you.

Alright, alright, I'll put that down. Quit screeching at me. That man that's been watching the hideout was back again. We noticed him rather easily today, seeing as he was the only person just standing out in the rain getting drenched. Legacy wanted to send the twins out after him, but Madi yelled at him for sending children out in the rain. I've never seen anyone yell at Legacy before; he seemed to be too shocked to think of anyway to respond to her. It didn't matter by that point anyway; following that little exchange we saw that the man had run off again. This is just becoming rather irritating at this point. We're the ones who watch and stalk people. Somebody trying to play that game with us, sooner or later they'll slip up and then they'll be a dead man. Sweet justice...

Ridley appears satisfied with this update. He's leaving now anyway, so I could just as easily delete all this. But then he'd only check on it later and then shoot me in the kneecap while I'm reading the paper. Or something ungentlemanly like that. What a douche.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Huh. So this is the blog thing that Ridley was talking about.

Geez, there really are a lot of you people. I thought Ridley was exaggerating when he started talking about how many of the stalked keep blogs and crap. Seriously, you're being hunted by an eldritch abomination and the first thing you do is get on the computer and start blogging about it? That is not how a rational person acts. I mean, Ridley has an excuse, as he is neither being stalked nor is he a rational person. Of course, reading some of yours' stuff, that second bit might apply to you all as well. In which case, you really should seek professional help. This is why they have therapists and psychologists and all the other idiots who do that kind of useless work. Not that I haven't had some good laughs at the things in you guys' blogs. Because I have; most of them are really quite funny.

Though I can't believe people actually read this blog. Although I can think of why blogging about his stupid adventures would be beneficial to me. I do find his stories rather amusing, but my god is Ridley ever annoying. You all seriously have no idea. He never shuts up. I'm amazed that Legacy has not yet at least attempted to remove his tongue. We did break his hand though. That might be why it seems he's been gone for a while. I can't believed he hasn't just asked his little whore to write down his crazy ramblings for him though.

Oh, look at that. Ridley made nice little introductions of all of us. How nice. They're pretty accurate too. Legacy's a tool, the twins are creepy little brats, Death's Head is psychotic, Sullivan is a tool, No-Name is... depressing, and... Aww, isn't that nice? Calling me the only sane man, but I guess it's only true. In case you can't figure it out, (and considering most of you are running instead of doing something useful with the rest of your life, like becoming educated, I'd venture to say you might need the help) I am Roulette. I was an assassin, and I continue to be from time to time. Otherwise I just move around with these stooges and bemoan how uncivilized they are in their execution methods. Spilling blood is highly overrated, especially when there are far cleaner ways of killing.

But enough about me. Since Ridley was nice enough to introduce my team to you all, how about I talk about his team for a bit, hmm? I'm sure you all know them well enough at this point. First we have Ridley, who used to work for some crazy Mexican with a Victorian fashion sense (well, I guess I can't fault him for that; modern fashion is simply barbarian) who seems to be doing who knows what now. Ridley himself is also crazy, has a voice only somewhat less grating than Chris Tucker, and enjoys watching some absolutely atrocious movies. Like ones with Chris Tucker in them, or that were made after 1960. Modern cinema blows. As I understand it, Ridley worked in criminal enterprises before signing on with the Dapper Fellow.

Then we have Lucifer. He's dead now, so we don't really care about him.

Finally we have Madi. Used to be a runner, got caught up in some weird and convoluted shennanigans with the Mexican fellow before Ridley struck off on his own and dragged her along with him. He has to be doing her, there's no other reason for him to keep bringing her along and not kill her. So far I see no evidence that she has done anything other than become a puppet and try to steal what is rightfully the Master's. She creeps me out a bit, honestly. She either sits around just staring into space or acts far too normal to be hanging with proxies. The way she talks to us all, you'd think she was talking to the old lady next door and not a bunch of lunatics. Sorry, a bunch of lunatics and one awesome sort of ex-assassin. It's just unusual is all. There's also the way that that broken arm she came here with was completely healed after a couple days, and I think it had only been maybe two weeks since it happened. Eh, weird stuff, it happens.

One last note, because I realize this has gotten very long and I should rather not become insane like all of you, I notice that Ridley seems to have failed to mention that we have been being watched. Not those tools from Crusader either (we haven't seen them around since their grocery store blew up); at least I don't think that's who it is. It's just random people, watching. They walk off if we try to approach them, and always somehow manage to just disappear. In the last week it's been much more often, but it's actually been the same person several times, which hasn't happened before. Usually we only see them once, or maybe twice. That guy Ridley mentioned trying to break in before Crusader robbed us was one of them I think. I was the one on guard duty that night and from what I could see, it didn't look like how those lunatics tend to dress. Could have been trying to throw us off or something but...

You know what? I'm done now. I have actual work to be doing. Things that are productive and not running aimlessly all over the frickin' United States or just randomly killing idiots, unlike the rest of you. Not that killing idiots is not productive, I just do it in a manner more becoming of a proper gentleman. All of you suck. Good night.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Dead I am the pool, spreading from the fool

Shit, motherfucking hell...

Saturday... Saturday Saturday Saturday. Saturn's Day. The Sabbath. The seventh day of the week.

There were some events that transpired that day. Wherever shall I begin? Well I suppose the logical course of action would be to begin chronicling from where I left off the last time. By last time, I mean of course when I was actually writing shit that was coherent, and not when I was doing this. Also who the fuck wrote that? Come on, fess up motherfuckers.

Well anyhow, Legacy and his merry band of super-assholes launched an invasion of Crusader's secret grocery store compound. It actually went fairly simple; the assholes had already attempted to destroy the Book. I'm sure ya'll remember how well that's gone before. Two more of their dudes killed, which left them with but four to defend their sacred food mart and the tome of satanic literature that was hidden away at its core. Legacy was not playing games with those motherfuckers this time though, and they went down, though sadly without any casualties. Apparently they decided that it wasn't worth having their whole little team here wiped out over Abdul Alhazred's Book of Bedtime Stories. Also apparently, they decided it would make much more sense to just let the enemy get inside and then bomb them into oblivion. Seems something went wrong there though, since only half of them went off and only the ones that weren't on the same side of the building as Legacy's team. Suspiciously lucky, huh?

So there at least we got some manner of a break. The rest of the day... was much more eventful. For instance: that last post? Pretty sure I made that sometime in the midst of Master and Puppetslut tearing up the place. Legacy arrives back and tells us to start packing shit up quick so we can start moving out. So we's all in the middle of doing that when Roulette calls out something to Legacy, which is followed by him crashing through the door. This blonde chick walks in and points a gun at all of us, not that it was really necessary when her boss came in right behind her. The reject from Rozen's workshop just comes in all nonchalantly like she fucking owns the place, and her strings shoot out towards us... but she didn't have much of a chance to do anything 'cause the Boss showed up then and shit. got. crazy.

Needless to say, that safehouse is history, and we lost quite a bit of our stuff, but most of it was Legacy's so we're lucky that it was no great loss. We actually all made it out alright this time, all uh... ten of us. Amazing that we had almost twenty people at the start of this shit. I mean really, Master and the puppet were tearing shit up in there. We also had a minor skirmish with the Wooden Girl's servant, who I mentioned back there. Roulette had been knocked out after his trip through the door, and I ended up having to help carry the asshole out of there. The blonde chick comes out of nowhere and attacks us, actually I got the feeling she wanted me specifically, I got another nice scar all down my arm now because of her. Sullivan politely got the bitch away from me with a swift blow to the jaw and we continued dragging our comatose comrade off the battlefield.

That's sort of it, I guess. We moved to a new hideout, we be unpacking shit and shit is good so far. Not that ever lasts. I mentioned several of 'em here, so I may as well tell y'all about some of the team, I guess. I need something to do while I'm hiding out and avoiding helping with the unpacking. So besides myself, Madi, and Legacy, our ragtag group of crazy ass motherfuckers consists of:

Legacy: Well, alright I guess I'll start with him. He's a revenant and a jackass. From Angleland, I believe, though he's got the accent of a Hollywood actor who's trying too hard to sound British. Was a butcher before signing on with the Tall Guy. He doesn't do a lot different in his new line of work, lemme tell ya. He's still under the impression that he's some kind of immortal with superpowers who's been fighting the Slender fight for many decades. Actually, it's only been since about last year y'know, but I guess it's not entirely useless, since Slendy does let him get away with some crazy shit. Sometimes. Other times he just bleeds all over my freshly laundered jacket and doesn't notice it. Then again, that could also have been from him cutting off my finger. No, I'm totally not still pissed about that, why do you ask?

Cadence & Arpeggio: The other revenants I mentioned. They're twins, both snipers, and both creepy as fuck. Did I mention they're also about fourteen? Emotionless, weird ass fourteen year olds. Kinda like this, if she had a male twin and they were both expert marksmen and thought they were pretty much invincible. And real fourteen year olds aren't that sexy. I really don't know much else about them.

Sullivan: You'd think he might be the sane one in the group, I mean Sullivan's a pretty normal name, right? That's before you find out that he used to have two partners who were named Carson and... Lawrence. To be fair, I guess Welk doesn't have the same ring to it, but really if you're going to bother to come up with stupid theme naming you should bother doing it right. That said, he's really not all that bad, but he does sort of weird me out. He's rather nonviolent really, which is a bit unusual considering how all the rest of his team are.

Roulette: The actual Only Sane Man in the group, despite still having a shitty superhero-y name. The man brews a mean cup of tea and can also fix up some nice poisons to go in it. Worked as something of an assassin until about '07 when one of his targets ran into a bit of a gruesome "accident" and he got discovered. The real killer thought the guy had some Skittles though, and our boy Roulette wisely decided to hop across to the Slender side of the rainbow. I did wonder why he called himself Roulette when that doesn't really have anything to do with poison. I'll have to look into that...

Death's Head: Honestly, when a dude calls hisself Death's Head, I think they've told about all you need to know about 'em. Well, except that this one's a chick, not a dude. And she almost took my head off when I tried to talk to her. Just so we clear, I mean that quite literally. I still can't figure out where she was keeping that giant knife in that tight outfit...

No-Name: No-Name? Really? Fuck this. He's a depressing bastard. Let's just leave this with saying that Legacy has impeccable taste when it comes to choosing a team.

Oh fuck, they're looking for me now. Guess I'll have to go do "work." This is why we should have some of the mindless slaves along, so us important folk don't have to do menial labor. Oh shity483yre7ghgnbbbbbbbbbb,

Motherfuckers. Stay frosty.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

¿w@$h3d !n bl4(k?

0̜̖͇̰͕ͧ̀ͥͦ̿͊h̳̟̠̠̙͍͎͋͋͆̿̌ͯ ̮͈̈ͪ͒̔ͭs̖̦͙̯̣ͧͬ0n͗ͪ̑̅ ̯̱̲0̝̼͙ͮ̑͗͒͊͂̃f ͎̦̑̿̇͋ͯ̄a̦̰͇̅͋͆͆ ͉̦̗̞̄ͩͮ͋ͅb͖̯͈̖͌̄i̼͈͉͖͚͕̤̾͐t̻̟̼̼̖̳͖c̩̝̅͛̓̽̔h̫̫̦̲̅ͭ͊́̃,̬͕̄ ̘̓͊̐ÿ̟̱̫̬̩̞̓́ͭ̚0̠͔͔̼͎̮ͣͥ͗̚u̝̟͋ͯ̊̑ͯ̽ ̹̟̑̓͊̓ͭh͚̲͓̥̞̖̙̿͂͛a̼̮̯̤̲ͧvͅė̗̹̭̄̈̐ ̂

̭̤ͧg̝̞̳̭̓̎̍͗0ͥ͊̏͂ť̲͇ͤ͌ͯ̒ͫͅ ̮͔̭͈̺͉ͫ̌̉ͅt̰̒̀͊ͩͮ̉0 ̿̃b̜̱̬͇ͯͅë͍̹̗̭̘́ͩ̇͒̿ͯͮ ͙̍ͬf͕̞̗̰̍ͧ̃̑̽̍̏u̪̺̗ͨc̜ͭ͑̿͑ͯ͂k͉͖͋́͛̑̐i̝͔͖̽̉n͔͖̺̄̒̿͗̂ͦ́g͆͛ ͖̘͎ͦ̃ͩ
͎̹̰kid̝̱̳̠ͬ͒̓͗ͥͨ̚d̬͖͍͍͎̞͍ḭn̤̙̒̊̇ͤ̈́̀̏g̈́́̀̈́͗͊ ̞̜͎̔̑ͨm̯̞̤̔̀ͧé̥͉̤̦̯̤͎̄ͮ̅ͣͥ.͇͍̗͔͚̏ͤͧ

All been washed in black?

That asshole just never gives up, does he?

Crusader motherfucker's back again. Seems he managed to hook up with some of his asshole friends this time. One of 'em broke in last night, almost managed to get by undetected, but actually Madi was the one that found him and raised the alarm. Bitch just can't catch a break. Probably be dead if one of those stupid twins hadn't shown up and blown the fucker's head off. Then my old buddy shows up. You know the one. Shoots Arpeggio (the twin dude. See? Stupid name) in the chest then continues on with another one of his pals until more of Legacy's goons arrive. There was some fighting, but my buddy thoughtfully leaves his comrade to take care of that while he continues on to where I can meet him. He had a nice little chat before the ass-kicking ensued. Then his cellphone goes off and he decides to cut out. His buddy showed up and knocked me out when I tried to follow 'em. Bastards.

So I wake up and find out that that wasn't all that happened. There were more of the fuckers. Legacy got caught up fighting two of 'em by himself. Had to kill one of them, but they captured the other one after he broke both the dude's legs. Why did they attack us? Well, besides just getting the opportunity to kill four of our dudes. Apparently there was one of  them that nobody ever even saw, managed to get in during all the confusion and steal the Book. Of course that was what we thought they'd try, but somehow they got past our guards and made off with it without ever being seen. So the Crusader motherfuckers have the Book now. Which of course means that Legacy is making us go get it back. Which is what we are doing right now.

Legacy got the location of their 'headquarters' out of our prisoner, after only a couple hours of torture. They're using a closed-down grocery store as their base here. I guess it's better than the shack they had in Indy. Really, who fights paranormal shit when they're so broke they can't even afford a decent headquarters for their enemies to besiege? It's just plain rude. I mean, there is nothing awesome about attacking a grocery store. Do you want your ass handed to you in paper or plastic? See, that's just dumb.

Oh, and if you're wondering why I'm posting this here when they're surely watching my blog (I mean, who wouldn't, I'm awesome); well, Legacy and his boys left about an hour ago. If heads aren't rolling by now, I can't be blamed for the failure of this mission. And y'know, it's kind of only obvious that we would. They did find that they've somehow got this place shielded so that they can't access it with the Path. Legacy is really a pussy and won't go into the Empty City, so they went on foot. I'm just hurt that they made me stick around here, as if they think I would do something stupid. When have I ever done something stupid and fucked up a mission? They're just dicks. Fuck them.

Well, my peeps, you stay frosty. Uncle Riddles love you all.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I know a secret down in Uncle Tom's cabin

So this Book. I guess I'll tell y'all about this thing. Not like I have anything better to do at the moment. No matter what Legacy might say, I see no reason to be so fucking alert all the time. I mean hell, we have been driving through these damn fields for an hour now and we ain't seen another living soul. Might have seen a couple dead ones, I'm not really sure. They could've been hiding.

The Book is called the G̢os̴p͠el͢ of͠ ͡Ec҉cle͡sius̀, also known as the B̴͜͞l҉a̢͘c̸͡k̷͡ To̶͢ḿ̛ę̷ ̸̢o̧f ͟͠͞B͏̶͟y͠z̧͏ant̢́i̷͘ư̴m̡̀, also known as the Ecclesyastical War Journal, also known as the  B̶̲̗̣̺͖̜̫͈̯͈̠͉͍͓̙̜̗̗̑̌ͨ̊̃͑͘͜ͅl̷̢̛̥̖̹̮͕̰̬̣̮̗̽́́ͦͫ̏͒̊͒̊̑͂̊̊̆̿ͦ̎͘a͈͎̹͙̥͓̟̠̱ͫͮ̅̽͂̾ͭ̚͘͢c̢̛̛̞̣̹̮̿̈̐͌̑̌ͫ̈́ͫͤ͗̾̃͝͞k̶̠̹͚̱̲̆̔ͮ͊͌͊̑̐ͧ̊̔̌́ͬ͊͋̿̑̏͜͝w̴͇̪̜̱̝͔̣͈ͩͥ̏̃ͬ̃͢e̢̡̱̜̣̬̺̼͕̻ͨ͑̅́ͮ̆̿̅̂̇̓ͧ͌ͤ̂̃̈́́̚͢͡l̴̮̯͙̜̦̗̫͔͚͈͉̯͉̜͔̬̼̲ͮ̅̃̎ͬ̂̍ͬ̈͗͊ͬ̾͆̕d̴̓̈́͆ͥ̐ͮ̓̊ͥ̅͋ͯͫ̏ͬ́̚҉̶̺̲͚̪͚̤̣͖̦͍e̶͂͊̉ͫ͒̇̌̑͛͢͠҉̱̻͓͖ŗ̷̸̴̷͖͕̬̫̯̳͙̮̱̪̥̖͙̮͖͔̘̗ͮ̌̑͊̋̂͂̑ͅ ̧̼̹̰̯̺͍̰͇̜̉̄̇̑ͩ̒ͬ̌̔̔ͬ͛ͪͩͩ̄͐ͨͩ̕ͅAͥ̾ͣͥͫ͐̊̓͆͏̹̰̻̲̹͈̦̭̪̲̪͇̝̰͟͝r̶͇̻̪̺̞̱͚̟̺̰͓̼͎̤̲̺̆̆̇͗̈̊ͦ̌́ͫͦ̇̈̾ͪ͊̋ͥ̚͝c̴̢̺̖͙͉ͣ̐͊̏̆̐̊͢ͅh̵̷̨̩͙͓͙͚͈̦̦͚͕̓ͯ͆͛ͯ̔̈́ͮͪ̾̚͡į̐ͦͬ̿͛ͩͧ̎͏̴̤̥̫̖͇̖͚͉̼̟̩̦̞̞v̸̡̨͍͓͖̫̙̖̂̈́̍̌̒ͯ͋̏̏͂̀͞e̴̵̙̯̠̤̦͎̲̟͂͛̈́́̎ͧͬ̂̚͡͠͠ also known as the Bitchinest Noodle Cookbook of the Fourth Century Monks, also known as fuck this I stopped listening to him when I realized he was still just listing off different names for the fucking Book. Huh, I keep capitalizing 'Book', I wonder what the hell's up with that? Eh, probably not important. Anyway, eventually mah nigga Legacy here actually got into some useful information. Well, depending on your definition of useful. I guess technically it is relevant to our situation. here. Essentially, what it boils down to is that the book was written by some monks like two thousand years ago in Rome. Not really monks, I guess. I wasn't really paying a whole hell of a lot of attention to this story at this point, because I don't really care all that much about some two thousand year old history. Unless it involves Jesus driving a tank into Jerusalem and demanding the Muslims kiss the asses of the Jews less he unleash his divine tank powered fury upon them. That   w0uld be pre`t_ty b̶o̴̝̯̟̻ͅs:$.

`Fuck dAmmi t% &&&&&&
__________ _____8675309==
-=__3j;asla*~~77yKLl; EW``''::{} f|D}F{ eE lpkg ;slfkg;sdlfgg4030_()e8rp3o ip4;ffgf0d-g0-s----
 cynnwys y clwb het i ddynion y meistr yn eu caru

Sorry 'bout that. Legacy's doin' something with the Path and Master just popped in. It's very inconvenient, but what can you do? He has a lot of travelin' to do after all.

Anyway. The part where I began to really become interested was when he started explaining how Oblivion is tied to all this. Wonder where that fucker is, we totally haven't seen him in a while. Apparently Oblivion actually was just a normal guy once upon a time. Then he found this Book. And he became obsessed with studying the thing. Spent many many years just trying to crack the secrets this thing holds. Of course, it drove him mad. And in his madness, the Master came to him. Apparently the Book actually sort of attracts supernatural beings to it, as well as p`eople who are connected to supernatural things, or just spend too much damn time around them. But that only works within kind of a small range. Sort of explains some things, if in a kind of retarded and lazy way, almost as though the person writing the script were getting bored. I think H̷̵́ớm͏̛e̢s͜t̨͜ų̧͢c͏͠k̸
 will still be there tomorrow, asshole. But hey, I'm not one to complain, it makes sense at least, which is more than I can say for a lot of other shit that goes on around here.

So Master finds the dude that would become Oblivion and basically says hey, come and be my bitch and I'll save you from that Evil Book, otherwise Imma fuck you shit up something fiercer, dawg! Oblivion, being the dumbass we all know and really despise, replies with no thanks bro, I got 'dis shit down. Also I use it to keelz you 'cause ugly tall man is must die by Evil Book power! Raeging Justice! Alright, I vastly oversimplified the whole account, but essentially that's what it boils down to: Oblivion turns down the offer to work for Master and then trying to attack Him with a Boo|k. Book Lasers! ZAP! ZAP! The PTC are down now, so I guess we'll need someplace to get our laser fix from anyway. Then Oblivion managed to disappear and they don't know for sure really what actually happened to him after that. Baron Zemo is watching you cook chickenn. He suspects that getting rid of the Book was part of his scheme to shrink black men's dicks because he was jealous of us gettin' all the bitchez. Waitaminute, that may've just been the movie I was watching on TV last night. Nevermind.

I kinda lost track of where I was, so I'll just take this opportunity to transition totally naturally into the next part of the story. The part where I regale you all with tales of all the crazy shit we've been getting into since the last time I updated this stupid blog. (I'm sorry blog, I didn't mean that. I love you. No, please don't make me sleep on the sofa again tonight, I said I was sorry!) Legacy and I caught up with Madi and Lucy in Nebraska. Lucy-boy is one crazy fuck. I'm sure you all knew that, I just thought I'd point that out again. We got the Book back. After Lucifer tore a couple pages out. And tried to set it on fire. And killed a few of Legacy's minions. Fun fun fun. But that was all a day or two before we got there. What happened in the meantime, you \might be wondering? The Book decided to punish Lucifer for assaulting it, so it zapped him with lasers. No, not really. Actually what happened was, when he tried to burn it, the Book did catch on fire. It caught a lot on fire. It sort of became a roaring pillar of flame that engulfed Lucifer and spit him back out, all nice and crispy like a side of ribs and also just like a side of ribs, just a little bit dead. Not that I care or nuthin' but dammit, now the only person I have left here is the maimed girl who was taking orders from a puppet! This is unfuckingacceptable! Legacy's assholes disposed of Lucifer's bod<y, which was starting to ooze black shit and apparently had the scent of burning leaves about it. I guess that's a warning to everyone to not allow Eldritch beings to do things to your person. Legacy hasn't learned his lesson, because, no, he did not notice that he kept bleeding all over the fucking place. He did almost break my nose and cut off my middle finger though. How am I supposed to show people my approval using a one-finger gesture n-- oh wait, I was getting a thumb's up confused with that other thing again, wasn't I? Well, I guess I'm glad to still have my thumb, but it's rather aggravating trying to type with a finger missing. Especially since I continue to overuse words with i's in them. Fuckin' a!

:Legacy's people have been safeguarding the Book to keep other supernaturally-inclined nutjobs from attempting to take similar action. They say all's been well except for a few occasions where they think they saw somebody watching the hideout. Oh, and the night before we arrived when somebody did try to break in and then ran off when they shot at him. Didn''t manage to get a g|limpse at the guy. Whoever it was, I just have this to say: all your base are will belong to us. Make your time. Bit`ch.

What we done been doin' the past last couple days then? Well Legacy's been going over some kind of plan. He says the A̧̫̯̬͇͐͊̈́̉ͪͮ̿͑̈̌ͨ͜͡ŗ̄̍̑ͬ҉̲͉͉̜̗̠̝̩̮̘̗̣̦̞̜͉͎c̛̞͓̳̮̭̭̤̪̠̰̦͇͖͍̩̃͐̃͛͆ͯ͛̀̋ͥ̋̐̎ͬ̓̑͆̚̕͡ͅḣ̵̛̍̿ͨͫ̏ͣ̓̐̍̒̚͏҉̷̪͓̻͚͕̗̝̬̻̥̳͚̹ͅiͮ̐͒ͥ̔ͮ̈̿͏̢̟͇̝̖̣͖͠͠ṽ̵̾ͤ̔͗ͦ̎̒́ͫ̿̍̏̂̽͞͠҉̯͓̳͙͕̦̼̖̖̬̬̖ͅͅͅͅe̔ͭ̊̄͛̌̐̓̀͏̝͎̣͙̱̩͕͕̞̮̘̖̥̳͞ is something we must not allow to fall into enemy hands. They're really takin' this shit seriously, they even brought two more revenants out here, as if they're actually special or something. Aww, so cute. Some creepy ass twins who are snipers. Retarded music names, I can't be bothered to remember. They kinda creep me out though, `all emotionless actin' and shit. Actually all of Legacy's people are kind of creepy. I think they hate me. I'm pretty sure the only reason they ain't killed me is because so far I'm the only person that's been able to read the Book, even if the Book won't let me remember what I read in it. I might have to actually try to not piss them off too much, they already took one of my fingers. Dillholes.

Anyway, plans yes. Just kidding, you didn't really think I'd talk about those on here, did you? I don't believe I've ever done anything stupid like that. On purpose. Not_completely on purpose anyway.

TL;DR: Oblivion went crazy over a Book, got his ass beat by MC Slender Twenny, Lucifer was killed by the same stupid Book, Master is fucking up my computer, and Legacy and his people are dicks. That's really all you needed to know. If there was more, my editor didn't point it out, and she loved my post, so fuck you!

Did I con̗̗t̺ŕ̘̺̞a̜̯̟̥̣͎̻d̲̲̜ict myself regarding locations up there? Uh, that was totally on purpose |and meant to throw you perverts off my trail. Totes, dawg.

Stay frosty.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

OH just wondRefUL

LEgAcy;s here noW th0se fucking M̧͙͎̼͑͒͆ͮ̓͐ͤI̴̹͊͂͂̈́̏̎ͯ͡Ṋ̸̟̼̩̤ͭ̑ͯ̒̄͢D̏̿͐̈͡҉̷̫̥̜͍͕̖͙R͎͙̲̜͔͔̱̦͑ͥ̚A̛̳̮̦̤̬͚̤͎ͮ̌̉̿͋ͤ̈́ͅP̜̭̟ͨ̔ͬͩE̴͎̩̪̣̹͙̜̎ͬ̏ͫ̑͢ͅḐ̛̜̣͕̼̖͉̆͞ͅ ̤̎ͦ̓́̐ͭR̸̘ͦ̎͒̄̐͠E̴̵͉͉͉͈̝̙̠̻̬̾ͭ̃̈̄͘V̸̴̭͙͕̂̑͐̍̔ͦ̐ͭE̋̑̿ͨ͐ͩ̅҉̘͓̳̦̝̫n̢͍̫̱̍ͤ̉͌͊̌́ͬA̡̙̩͔͑͒̍̿̅͐͒̈͘Ṋ̝̻̹̙ͭ͊̂͂͛̎ͤ́ͅT̟̺̙̺̓ͨ̏̂ fuckers it's GOING TO BE JUSt...

I THNK-- i ThiNk THey shoudlnt be able to read this to read this but THe STATE I'M IN IN AT THE MOMENNT... nOT SUrE HOW SKINNY MIGHT'VE MESSED WITH  mYH my POWRS


balthasar von abendroth had been a scientist for the third reich attempting to create powerful weapons by combining science and magick. most of his research was destroyed by his own superiors after he mysteriously just vanished in the middle of the war. he was last known to be working outside of the black forest where he claimed he had discovered the resting place of a powerful demon that had been sealed underneath a church by some monks in the late 16th century. there are no certain accounts of where he was actually last seen. many have claimed to have been the ones who last saw the doctor alive, however it is certain that these cannot all be true as they each claim to have seen him at around the same time in vastly distant regions, some even as far away as Paris or Moscow, locations it would have been quite impossible for the doctor to be at at those times. there is nonetheless


I GET it nOW, i fINaLLy GET THE FUCKING JOkE --THIS IS all T̡͗̓ͦͬ͒̂̃H̵̔E̸̡̐̌̈́̿̌ ̶̛ͨͯ̽͊̐V͒̋Iͥͨͧ̚҉L̶͗̋̄͆̈͘L̡͒̊͟Ȁ̵̃̊͘G̨ͭ͒ͭ͊͐Eͧͫ̓̃ͭ͜͜͠ AND IT DOEsn'T MATTER WHAT SIdE yOurE ON, THE TALL MAN IS GETS EVERyONe I NTHEEND YOU'RE ALL JUST FUCKING nUmBeRs~+ and i"ll be a FR̡͡E͡͏͜E͘͢͠ man again soon ____%<S!83; DOES ITT MKAE ANY SSENSE AT ALL?? do I E<EN FKing CAER A TTHIS POIT N    ?ofcourse I doN"t  I̹̩̞̘̤͘͟ͅ ͏̛͉̦̪̼̦͉̹͞S̭̹̯̹̼̗̺̯͠͞ͅT̗O̶̼̗̼̱͎̼͖͓P̭̗͕̬̱̭̙͙̹P̨̙̱̯E͈̮̳͙͔̮͈͎̫ ͉͍̺̟̼́E̗̖͜V̶͇̟̻͈̻͓̹ͅḘ̮̥͘R̪̫̤̥̗̤͖Y̵̹̣͟͞T͜҉͉H̰̝͈̠̙̭͉͔͝I̲̦̼̤̯̘̕G̖̞̳̀͜͝ͅN̴̡̛̪͍ ͇̼̼̗̜͟Ş̸̶͙̪̜̠͈̱͚͉͎T̫̦̥̜͞P̙͕͉̤P̯͍̻̰̙͉̪̯O̤̺̤̣̣E͎͎͞D̶̥ ̢̝̭́ͅD͏̵̫̳̟͍I̷̭͝D̢̡̤͔̠̝̗̖̭͎̗͘N̨̪͓̤̟͘'̬̩̬͙̟̪̣ͅT҉͍͖̜̤ ̨͖̲̜̕M̞̪̟͔̣̲͎A̢̯̪̙̪͉͖͓̠͘K̠̰̗̪̤̭̟ͅE̸̬̰͕͍̻̰ ̴͇͉̜͘ͅS̹͍̲̝͢ͅǸ̞̭̤̗͇͎̠͠E̶̻̼̖͈̩̳̩͎S̵̢̹͎̣̜͕͚͞ ̴̝A͟͏̼N͈͎͙̻͙̫̝Y̖̝̱̺͢M͉͈̗͈͕̱͕̗̗O̸̯̫̟̭̠̤R̡̡̖͙E̝̟͘͘ ͈̘̮̼̬̥̜̥W̘̜̣̱̩̟̰̝͞H̨̞̩͙̫E̥̝̥̺̕͡N̻̦̮̮͓͙ ̶҉̯̯̹̦͙̗̥d͍̠̼̤̲̹̙̀͝ͅi̶̧̨̙͉͕̗e̡̛҉̗̣̪̟̪̩͖̮d͎̝̭̦̲