Baby, You Can Drive My Car

You can drive my car just as much as you like.

So after I got out of that loop Doc stuck me in, I decided to fuck up some of his plans a bit. He had some eldritch locations set up around places to be used for black magick ceremonies and shit. I decided they had a bit of an evil, depressed feeling about them, so I got myself some holy water, sprinkled it around, and now they're just the happiest places. Completely useless for dark voodoo Nazi magick, but one can't have everything.

After fucking around a bit with that, I decided it would be a good idea to figure out where I was. As it turns out, I somehow ended up in Saskatchewan. Feeling nauseous in the grotesque, sickeningly-not-American Canadian air, I quickly leapt onto the Trail of Ebony Foliage, waved good-day to a certain young Jewish man stabbing bushes behind the arcade, and leapt off, arriving back in Chicago.

It's quite an interesting thing to see when those boys in Fisk's unit actually do their job right. No trace that either Jonas or my people were ever here. Now that is what I call a job well done. If only all of us were as dedicated to doing a good job. At least half the time.

Cadence and Arpeggio got reassigned after I 'disappeared.' Not sure what happened to Hazendorf and Death's Head. I'm going to check in with the local adminstration office and see about getting myself a new squad. And learn exactly why I was never informed about the weekly newsletter (thank you Freedomcaged, for bringing this to my attention). Doc said he was looking for me, but honestly I'd have thought he'd already be here. I still don't really know what's going on, but you know what? I'm tired of this shit. It's time to fucking party.

Stay frosty. And keep an eye out, we're always watching.

When your fears subside, and shadows still remain

Sorry about that y'all. Roulette's a bit of a motherfucker. What am I saying, he's a huge motherfucker. I can't apologize enough for leaving my blog in the hands of that douchebag. My hand has healed up nicely so I am once again able to be the one to keep y'all updated on all the awesome shit that's been goin' down around here. Fuck Roulette for breaking my hand too. I don't recall if he mentioned that to y'all, but it's true that he did. Fuckwhore.

So anyway, he did mention to y'all that we've got our own stalker here, nice distinguished older gentleman that we've seen hangin' around outside the place here and there. Before that we had a number of different folks who we'd see for maybe a day or so, and we'd never see the same person more than once or twice. None of them would ever get too close though, and if anyone tried to go out and start some shit with 'em they'd just up and disappear.

That does not seem to be the case any longer, however. Might have something to with the fact that Legacy's missing. A couple days ago he left to go take care of some business elsewhere, and we just haven't heard from him since. Well yesterday, our stalker buddy shows up again, but this time he's chillin' literally on our doorstep. Death's Head behaved in a less than hospitable manner towards this, said she was tired of seein' the fucker, and she was gonna put a stop to this shit. She goes outside with her big fucking knife and just starts filling the guy full a holes. Now most of us aren't crazy enough to get in her way when she starts gettin' all nuts, but Roulette seems to think he's the team leader or something while Legacy's gone, and he's either got some serious balls or I just gave him too much credit presenting him as the sane man around here. Because as soon as he found out what was going on, he heads out to try and stop her.

It didn't turn out too well. He tried to tranquilize her, but she only turned around and nearly took his bitch head off. Then the old man, somehow not dead, grabs her and tosses her through the window. Well, he tried to anyway, his arm kinda fell off and dropped her in the window. That was a bloody fucking mess. Roulette gets up and then goes back down, the old guy punched him back and he fell down the stairs, knocks his stupid head on the concrete and goes out like a light.

Well that just left me and old No-Name hangin' around, watchin' the action throug the broken window. He looks in at us and I see that his face is pretty fucked up. All scarred and shit, wrinkled and lookin' like some strips of flesh is missin'. He grins at us, revealing that most of his teeth are gone and the ones that ain't are black and rotten, just like his gums. He laughs, then walks out of view and we see the front door close. I walk over and check it out, and the fucker's just gone.

While I was busy contemplating about what kind of crazy fuck shows up looking like death, knocks out our dudes and then is nice enough to close the door before he goes, we hear some gunshots coming from the inner rooms. We go in, check that shit out, find Hansel and Gretel and a whole shit-ton of bullet holes all around. They was guarding the Book, which I check up on and see that all seems to be in order. Apparently the old guy walked in through the closet and... actually, they couldn't really agree on what happened after that. Cadence says he lunged at them and they just shot at him, but somehow the bullets were just missing him. And then he sliced both their heads off. Arpeggio says he just strolled in, the lights went out and then she was gettin' impaled on her own gun like she was the sheriff's daughter and Michael Myers came to call

Obviously neither of these can be correct, what with them both being not dead.

Or at least, we don't think so. We seem to have deduced the identity of our mysterious stalker. The Dying Gentleman. Like the Boss, only without a body, so he possesses folks. And then they die and shit. So not really like the Boss all that much really. It makes sense now why we kept seeing different people around, he kept using up his hosts. Though we're not sure why he was using this most recent one for so long, it seems he pretty well used that one all up. The disappearing act he kept pulling was just hopping through the City. That at least might've been obvious. It would've also seemed obvious that he was comin' for the Book, except that he had the damn thing right in his sight and decided not to grab it. We're... not altogether sure what to make of that.

There are new pages in the A̺̱͑̈́̃͂̂́r̵̯̠̮͙͎̯̗͑͊͒͐̂́͝ͅc͗ͣ̌͐ͯ̑ͥ̀ͧ͏͏̞̠̬̩h̴̤ͪͣͩͣ͘͞i̢̡̲̬͙̝͓̲̥̓ͫͅv̶̵̡͖͔̰͉ͬ̉ͭ̈́ȩ̮͕̯̽ͪ̐ now. Things I can actually read without whatever supernatural shit is in that thing getting all up inside my head. Not that it would matter, but it doesn't match with anything I read in it before. Der Ritter. The Guardians of the Bloody Prophet. 666. The Scarlet Knights. The Dying Man. The Beast. Exit Light. Black Leaves. The Aperture.
Roulette broke the fucking thing, I'm having trouble holding it together now. It only works so long as I can't remember. She's trying to break it down too. The Wooden Bitch. I've seen what she's sending through the TV. Couldn't get at us in person with the Master showing up every time she tries shit.
Legacy's a doomed man. He stayed with the delusion right up until the end, couldn't understand why his body wouldn't fit back together after the Red Man cut him in half. Maybe he was just a bit more gone than normal though, lying there in a puddle of his own blood as the darkness slowly came and devoured him. The twins fared somewhat better at least. Cadence never even got to see what took him out when one of the puppets came from behind and chopped off the top of his head. Arpeggio was with Madi at the very end; somehow they'd managed to crawl out of the explosion, but then the crows came and picked off what was left of their flesh. The Master stood by and watched as they expired. He didn't think much of the Scarlet Specter's devotion to her messiah, so he repaid her for the death of his minions with the death of hers.
A hundred corpses filled the town by the time it was all over. Bodies rendered limb from limb, bleeding and burnt, a last look of terror stuck on their fucking traitorous faces. I could hear their screams echo from out of hell. The streets ran red with blood.
Fuck, did I actually just say that?
No-Name received such a terribly dull end. A stray bullet caught him in the back and pierced his heart. Kind of ironic I suppose, since he'd been invested in carving out the heart of the Black Knight's accomplice when it hit. Roulette had been facing the Black Knight, but he really should've learned how to fight. Poison doesn't do so well against a gun. Or maybe it was that gaping hole that his intestines were hanging out of. That could've been what did him in. Sullivan... well he just got fucked in the end.
Is that how it went? Maybe I only read them in my head after all.
I should stop.

So that's been our week. How 'bout the rest of y'all, how are you fuckers? Keepin' it frosty I hope.

IHe really shouldn't have done that.
Roulette's a real motherfucker, ain't he? I apologize, I don't know what came over me. Lettin' that asswipe write on my blog, I musta been high. Actually, that's not an entirely improbable... thing that could've happened. I think the psychotic bitch has been slippin' shit into my drinks. She totally wants me. I'd be flattered normally, but with her there's a very likely possibility that I'd wake up in the morning and find myself dead. Dead Ridleys are the enemy. We don't like dead Ridleys.

All you violent, insane, proxy-killing runners can just shut the fuck up. Nobody likes you. That's how we're different. I have fans. You jelly.

But let's get into the meat of the story, shall we. The reason I'm here now. Legacy's missing. He went out to take care of some business a few days ago and nobody's seen him since. We've noticed that the guy stalking us has been coming closer since Legacy's been gone. Death's Head went psycho (well for her I guess that's really completely normal) and went out after him. This time he actually stuck around to fight her. Or rather, he stuck around to let her beat the shit outta him. She got real excited when he didn't react at all to getting stabbed in the chest. Thought that meant she'd get to fuck him up pretty bad before he finally bit it. And she proceeded to do so pretty well; but when he still didn't react at all to anything she did, she started gettin' pissed. Then he knocked her to the ground.

By this time, Roulette had gone out after her. He's appointed himself leader in Legacy's absence and said he couldn't let the bitch get out of control. Bit late for that, but alright. Roulette punches the guy, but gets thrown down like he was a dummy. I thought this shit had gone on too long and decided that a shot right between the eyes would serve as a nice finish to things. I would've done so too, but the dude looks up at me then and... well fuck, I just couldn't move. There was something with his eyes. They were just wrong, not human. His face was wrong too, though that could've just been the fact that he'd been stabbed there several dozen times. Except that he wasn't bleeding, least not that I could see. I heard the fucker laugh and then I wake up to find myself dead thrown unceremoniously up against the wall of Legacy's office where the rest of the folk were meeting about stuff.

We're going to have to alter the plan now. I think I know which one of these fuckers is sending off information to the Order. If I can just manage to gather enough energy to get out...

I caught the gist of it. The dude appeared inside the complex, outside the room where Legacy locked up the Book. Cadence and Arpeggio were on guard duty and saw him just walk in and then jump out the window before they could do anything. Oh, and there's just one other small matter. Really, not hardly worth mentioning. He's dead. Jumped out the window, it was the third floor, he went splat. Roulette checked over the body, because I guess being an ex-assassin somehow makes you a certified coroner, and he says the guy's been dead for at least a week. When I said he went splat, he really did. The body's already got a couple weeks worth of decaying done, and there's hardly a drop of blood left in it.

With these bits of solid evidence, we believe we now know the identity of our mysterious stalker friend. It's just lovely really how-