Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Fuck you Archy

What the fuck man, really ya couldn't just call me to tell me that? Y'know, cause I was fucking driving an shit? If not for the fact that Glorianna happened to stumble across it while reading through my bookmarks we never woulda caught it. Seriously bro, what the motherfuck?

Anywho, yeah we did run into crazy masked guy at that rest stop and he did indeed try to attack us. Luckily, we had Archangel's shittily planned (shittily? that sounds weird) warning and were ready for the dickhole. Zeon saw him lurking around, waiting for us, and snuck up behind the fucker to knock him out with a tire iron. We took his mask off and, lo and behold... we have no damn clue who this fucktard is. Really, I have never seen this ugly face before in my life, so I don't know who the hell this is messing with us like this. But if he's really been around since way back like Archy said and he seems to know how to find us, this is the second time he's managed to show up like this, then he must know something. And we all know what to do with people who know things they won't tell, don't we? Mwhahahahahahahah!

Oh, and another thing Archy, go fuck yourself. Shit, Lucifer was part of some plan by the Master. That crazy nigga got all inside my head and moved shit around and shit. And shit. Not like I made it difficult, I know what with going all off the deep end and followin' Red's orders to kill and all that. But fuck man, y'all coulda let me in on shit, I can keep secrets. Fuck, I don't hafta ta tell these asshats nothing. Work with me, dawg, work with me.

Enough of that shit. We're here at the Ark. Talked with Othello, had some drinks, raised a glass to good ol' Phantasm. She never did like putting up with my shit, but she was a good comrade. Wonder who's gonna run this shtick here with Maalik and her both gone now. Oh, and the kid. Salem's about like we expected, the same creepy blank expression as always, didn't react at all to finding out that dear old mom was dead. I really don't know what's up with that kid, I mean fuck. Eh, whatever, don't really matter now, do it?

Anyway, I should get back to torturing this fucktard. Masks, honestly. What is it with the Chosen who wear masks all the time anyway, you idiots stand out like a gangster at a Beethoven concert. Heh, that was fun. But dumbasses. Even I can manage to not be that stupid. Yes, Koney-dawg, I admit to my stupidity and carry on, fuck you.

Stay frosty peeps. As always, we're watching.

Monday, June 27, 2011

So uh, yeah...

I'm sure y'all have seen this by now. Didn't comment on it the other day because... wait, except I did, I mentioned Phantasm and Cross and... fuck, hold on peeps

Shit, my head. I don't fucking know, I don't remember reading that before, but then it's like I already knew about what was going on. Who the fuck keeps posting this shit? I managed to get ahold of Othello at the Ark. So basically, this is what he says went down:

Cross had arrived a few days earlier, returning from his business over in Europe, stopping by to chill until he received the rest of his new orders, which he refused to tell anyone about. Now Cross is a rather secretive dude, and he don't normally hang with the rest of us, we really only see him on the rare occasion that his business brings him through someplace like the Ark. Phantasm was tired of his shit and wanted to know what the hell he was doing there. Othello blocked him from escaping while Phantasm punched him in the face. Cross got pissed and jumped at her, Othello grabbed him first and tossed him across the room. Cross drew his sword (yeah, the guy walks around with a sword), manages to stab Othello and then slice Phantasm before bolting. Phantasm's dead, apparently he fucked her up pretty good. Othello's unique situation saved him though he's got Gatsby on security duty for a while. He doesn't know what the hell happened to Cross after he left. But I do have an idea of what he may have been after, Archangel knew more than he was telling us when Lucifer showed up and I think he knows something about this too, so I'ma hafta check that out.

Now other things. It seems he really dont know anything about Lucifer or the Black eyed kids, though he was there with us when we took Lucifer's ass down. And since Archy ain't answerin' my calls, I'll be headin' back up to Maine with my two captives. And a couple of ma boys, backup is probably a good idea, no?

I still have Archy's hypothesis to test out, and Othello says the thing is still safely hidden away, so it just awaits my arrival with the final pieces. I have high expectations for all kinds of time travel-induced space-time fuckery to occur, I'd better not be disappointed.

Uncle Ridley is on the road again  bitchez. Oh shit, I'd better pick up something for the Princess too on the way back, don't wanna give a bad first impression. Well, first impression in person, we've talked and she loves me, I want to make sure to keep that up. Normally people don't seem that keen on me for reason.

I know, I just don't understand it either.

Stay frosty. We'll be comin' for ya.

Friday, June 24, 2011


Alright, so I guess the old fart wants me to report in. Don't know what his deal is, though according to Fifi he's been talkin' to himself lately. Eh, whatever. You want me to put this up, I'll put the damn thing up. Get the fuck off my back, huh?

So anyways, the operation went off perfectly. Had my boys start a little bit of a trouble at the hotel, get people evacuated an' shit. Lovely. Alright, so they went in and pulled the fire alarm, whatever. It still worked great. Of course, our two targets figured out pretty quickly what was going on and high-tailed it out of there. But they've been running free for too ttoo long, and they wasn't gettin' away this time, no sir. We'd taken the liberty of emptying the gasoline from their vehicle before we started this operation; okay, I'm retarded, I should have thought of that before, go fuck yourself. Well of course we've already got a big panic, people pushin' and shovin' to get out of the building, firetrucks on their way here (we couldn't disappoint them, so some of the boys decided to light the hotel kitchen on fire, and then the gas line kind of caught and exploded), fun times, baby. Anyway, these fools are trying to escape in the middle of all this and find that their car ain't going anywhere, so they take off, tryin' to stay in the crowd but my peeps were waitin' for em and pulled them into an alley.

Where I was waiting.

So the boys drag these two over to me so that I can deliver a little smackdown as repayment for trying to run me over the last time. Sirens were getting a bit too close for comfort then, so we decided to pack up and get the hell outta there. We'd been stayin' at... fuck it, I know some'a y'all know where this place is. Anyway we get into the truck, pick up the rest of our peeps and take off. We're nearly back when this jackass wearing a mask jumps out in front of the car. What? Really? Yeah, like we was gonna stop, the stupid shit jumped outta the way at the last minute. Thing is though, I swear I've seen that guy before. The mask, it looked familiar, as did his willingness to do very very stupid shit. But I can't think why exactly. Whatever, if it were important it'd come to me.

Oh, and Phantasm, stop calling here and bitching at me. I don't why the little shit is here and I don't know how the little shit got here. It's not my fault, I just deal with the situation as it comes to me. You really should come get the kid though, being all creepy and shit, keeps muttering something about 'coming to terms' or something. It's freaky an' I don't like it.

Uh, and I hope y'all didn't do anything stupid. Cross ain't no pussy, he ain't like me and dumb enough to get a friggin' crate dropped on his ass, and the Master's been lettin' him get away with this shit he's doin' for a long time.

I do start to get worried when it seems like I'm the most sane person around here.

Stay frosty bitchez. This is Riddles, signing off. Like a boss!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Things're movin

Oh yeah, now that's what I'm talkin' about.

Finally got those two out of hiding and back on the move. Some of my peeps'll be waiting to cut them off so I can finally nab the bastards. Then the fun really begins.

Oh yeah, and uh, creepy kid is here too. Salem. I don't know why. Kid freaks me the hell out. But whatever, long as it's here, might as well join the in the fun. There'll be plenty to go around.

So sorry, had to make this quick. We're so close finally, let's do this!

Stay frosty y'all. We're always watching.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

What the Hell?

So I called Coronado up after seeing that last post over on Time Bleeds. I mean, weird shit happening to us ain't unusual but somehow this just don't seem right. He sounded very distracted and he kept talking to someone else over there. Sounded like he was talking to some little kid or something, I don't know. Archy's been in the biz for such a long time, I suppose it was inevitable he'd start to crack eventually. Things that mortal creatures ain't supposed to see an' all that shit, y'know.

Now back to me. Still stuck in goddamn Boston and it's getting tiring. So Imma have to flush out these fools soon and get them back on the run and into someplace that I can take them out. I do believe I have something worked out, we'll have to see. Master wouldn't like it if I caused too big a commotion, mustn't draw attention to ourselves. But whatever, Master's been angry with me before, that ain't nothing new. I mean, I can't help it if I'm just damn good at what I do. Most a the time anyway. I still want my rematch with that pussy Konaa, but I guess I probably should let my leg heal up case he tries to drop shit on me again. Bitch.

I'm gonna go check on some shit. I think I know how to get these runners exactly where I want them.
Cheerio, stay frosty, and all that other shit.

Sunday, June 12, 2011


Fuck Boston, man, this town is bullshit. My peeps have been hard at work trailing those two bastards for me. They're keepin' to public areas, crowded places. Mighty unsporting of them, isn't it? If this keeps up we may have to resort to some rather drastic measures to get them moving again... then again, I do have that nice sniper rifle I got from that soldier a while back, could just blow the fuckers away while safely on the rooftops. Heh, safe on the rooftops, stupid runners.

In the meantime I had decided to look up some pal of mine. Y'all know this guy, dontcha? Well, maybe you don't, but he's been fucking around tryin' to get all up in the Princess' business. I figured hey, I'm in Boston anyway, this son a bitch needs taught a lesson, and I need to hit someone. It's like God himself just handed me the perfect opportunity here. So I track him down, and this dumbass is nice enough to be walking around out in some empty construction zone so's we can conduct our business in private. I do love a team player. I call out to him and he turns around with the dumbest look on his face, asks me who I am. Well I'm all like, "Hey now dawg, you know me right, I mean I thought we were real close man. It's me, yo favorite frosty troll, Uncle Riddles. Now c'mon an gimme hug eh?"

Twas only tryin' to be friendly, y'know, but he just stands over there looking like a dumbass. Then he asks me about Storyboy's brother, an I'm just like shoot, I thought we got over this a long time ago peoples, really the little bitch was an irritation and was wasting good air. Whatever, let's move on. I told him how the situation was, the Master is an eternal creature, sometimes he gots to have some lovin'. You don't wanna get in the way of that do you, I mean c'mon on that's just rude. He gets all pissed off then and yells at me, says I should tell Archy to keep away from her. Yeah right. I reminded him then that, even if our glorious Boss, our ever-lovin' Mr. Slender cannot see him, I can still carve you up like a Christmas ham. I decided to be nice for once and make him an offer before I killed him. Come over an' join the party, bro.

He declined, of course, so I was left with no other option now but to go and fuck his shit up. Then he decides to comment about my jacket. I kindly responded by introducing his face to my fist. I follow up with a blow to the ribcage, then one to the stomach. Little pussy tries to hit me back, he ain't lyin' when he says he ain't no fighter. I pound on this asshole for a couple minutes and I'm starting to feel pretty good. All is right in the world, and the stress of work is just melting away. Then he has to be a dickhole and ruin it for me; must've put all his damn strength into that kick, and right on my kneecap too. He bolts into this warehouse nearby, I decide it's time to quit fuckin' around and just gut the loser.

So he actually stuck some shit in front of the door like that would stop me any, I get inside, I'm lookin around for him, and eventually I'm getting pretty tired of this little game of hide n seek. Then I hear this noise from up above and there's a damn crate falling on me. The little bitch knocked a crate over on top of me. Man, that shit probably weighed a few hundred pounds an' you just push it over on me. What the hell, bro? I thought we were cool. Well, it was kinda tight in there so's I couldn't really get completely outta the way and the damn thing just misses my head and comes down on my shoulder. Damn that's not fun, and I think I got shot there not too far back too. Thing's all broken, all outta place and stuff. Didn't even manage to catch the little pussy cause he booked on over to the train then.

So my weekend didn't exactly go as planned. Unfortunate, but whatever. I'm headin' into town later to have a little chat with my prey. Doc says I need to chill, but fuck that.

Stay frosty y'all. We're always watching.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Whassup y'all?

Those damn runners are slippery bitches, I'll give 'em that.

So what happens is, I track these bastards down to a hotel a little bit outside of Who-the-fuck-cares, Massachusetts. Did I spell that right? Eh, who cares. Lucky I was to be able catch them just before they were about to leave too. Keep in mind we is in some crap little hicktown in the middle of fucking nowhere so it's not like there's exactly... well, people around. So that's lucky y'know since I would have to catch 'em in the parking lot before they could reach their car. I tackled the dude to the ground and just about managed to slice open his throat when the sister smacks me with a tire iron. My fault for not thinking that bitch would try something, but she's never done anything before. Fuck that bitch.

Dave gets up and reaches for his gun, but no-no, can't allow that can we? Did I mention that I'm an expert knife-thrower? Well I'm not, but I can at least chuck one at a person and make it stick in their arm. Enough of a distraction to allow me to get to my feet and rush this nigga for a tackle. That's right, I said nigga. Twice now. Sissy tries to hit me with that tire iron again but hell, ain't nobody gets ol' Ridley with the same trick twice. Grabbed that thing and twisted it out of her grip, beaned her bro with it. Would've worked lovely had not the bastard, while momentarily surprised, had by this time removed my knife from his shoulder and promptly stabbed me with it as I conked him. Dammit, puttin' that bloody knife into my arm, that's just rude and unsanitary. Bitch. At least I hit him I guess, but the sonuvabutch moved over enough that I only glanced the side of his head. I hope that welt hurts like hell for the next few days. Until I find you again, you bitch.

So asshole-Dave was briefly incapacitated, to a small degree, might as well go in for the kill. Waitaminutenow, last time I forgot about our dear little sis I got a tire iron to the skull. That shit hurts. So where the fuck did she disappear to now? Well, I'm lookin' all over and I ain't seein' a sign of her. Too bad bitch, looks like sissy has left you to die. A smart move, even though I should inevitably catch up to her again. Dammit, these cocksuckers really piss me off. I get my gun out right, I'm about to shoot this bastard. Wait, what's that noise? Oh shit. I really should have remembered the fucking car. Sissy tries to run me down and naturally I get the fuck out of the way because, y'know, I can't fight a goddamn car. Well that's just plain fightin' dirty as far as I'm concerned and I will NOT be had in such a manner. She's helping her bro into the car now, I have a clear shot, so I take it. Excellent. Hit her the shoulder, she gets knocked back into the vehicle, smacks her head on the side of the car. Now to take car of asshole. What's this? He's got his gun now? No matter, he's still dizzy can't shoot a damn... well fuck.

So I jump out of the way, ain't a damn thing to take cover behind cause, we're in the middle of fucking nowhere and they were the only people at the hotel. I run towards the building, shooting behind me as a go, and duck around the corner. I hear him pull her back into the car and speed off. Shit. That was quite a disgraceful display if I do say so myself. So I went around back and stole the owner's car to chase after 'em. I think I deserve the car more than the owner anyway; apparently doesn't hear any of this shit goin' down right outside, but does hear his car start. Then he comes outside, with a shotgun, and shoots at me. In his car. Good thing the old bastard was an absolutely terrible shot, I mean how do you just completely miss a big ol' SUV with a shotgun?

Well, at any rate I appear to have lost my targets for the moment. No matter I'm pretty sure I know where they're headin'. Boston's a big place though, I may have to actually put an effort into finding 'em this time. Dammit, I hate real work. Oh well, I've got me some friends in Boston to help out. And in the meantime, I think I know what to do while I wait.

Stay frosty y'all. We're always watching.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I return again, chillins

How y’all doin’ my chillins? Uncle Ridley is back again and of, what’s this? Uncle Ridley gots his own little blog thingie now? Why, golly gee, what WILL they think of next? And why am I making everything into a question?

I don’t know but maybe we can find out together. 
Now for all y’all still checkin’ up on Coronado over in the place where time is still bleeding apparently, you see that He Who Fears Contractions is still up in stuffy old Maine, which promises to be far less dangerous now that certain rogue elements have disappeared. And yet it seems that there shall be such fascinatingly FABULOUS happenings during my absence that I almost do wish I could be back there. Aw well, whatever...

Hopefully I’ll be able to return soon and pay my respects to our new Princess. She was too hot for that little nerd kid and his whiny little bitch of a brother anyways. I should probably bring her a gift of some kind---- I wonder what would be appropriate? Eh, fuck it, I’ll be on this job for a while, plenty of time to figure out something.

Now the reason I’ve got me own bloggetyblag now is quite simple. Because Sandro’s going to be doing his thing over there and Imma be doin’ my thing over here. See, simpel. I know, I know, gotta make sure all you nonenlighteneded runner/fighter/blasphemer/haunted/stalked/inserstdorkishnamehere can understand what I’m sayin’.  That’s really the most important thing here folks, cause ya see, I’m------ wait for it-----


That’s right ladies and gents, for the first time in oh so very long, the Master is allowing me the return of my freedom. Well, mostly. Technically I’m supposed to be going after Archy’s little pets while he’s busy with the Princess up in Hicktown, Maine. So I’m doing that. Don’t mean I can’t have some fun along the way though, and I most certainly plan to live it up while I can.

Oh yeah, and Robbie-boy's just positively cuckoo, thinking he'd be able to steal my bike tires. Can you believe the nerve a this guy?
Until I feel like getting back to y'all again, y'all stay frosty. We're always watching. Even cuckoo-boy, random shit floating around is not inconspicuous.

Later, bitchez.