Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Gotta get my timin' right; It's a test that I got to pass

I said I had a surprise for y'all for the Solstice.

But first, I'm gonna go into a long-winded recap of lots of things you've probably either forgotten or no longer care about. We have to do this properly, after all. To begin with, I'm going to need you all to remember this little incident here. For those of you too lazy to click the link (you should be ashamed, go sit in the corner and ponder your life until you feel like the horrible person you are), I ended up cut off from the Path of Black Leaves. Let's back up to the veeeery beginning where this whole thing got started.

You all recall, I'm sure, when Slendy shattered my mind into many itty bitty pieces as punishment for being a bad boy. Then this asshole called Oblivion shows up and offers to put my mind back together 'cause he wants me to be his errand boy or some shit. I told him fuck no, I don't need your damn help; I can fix my mind by my own damn self, bitch! Shut him up.

However, it seems our good old buddy Oblivion was not quite so eager to take no for an answer as it appeared. He left just a tiny bit of his power with me to help me get things rolling. I feel extremely violated after discovering this fact; if Oblivion wasn't already dead, I would have to fuck him up. He really needs to quit ghosting on my blog; it's quite unsanitary. Anyway, immediately following this I was contacted by Rhodes, who seemingly wanted me to get to Indy to stop Konie-dawg from stealing the sacred blade of our great hero, Zero. Of course I obliged and immediately made way through the Path in order to get after our little sword-thief.

Now here's where I offer explanations for the shit that I'm sure has been bothering you all just as it has been me this whole time. When I was briefly in Indy and Maine simultaneously. I had intended to look into that, but as you well know, shit kind of came up and I was busy. But now I am not, and I have had time to look into these things. Doc was very informative. It turns out, the Path of Black Leaves doesn't like Oblivion. Or rather, it doesn't like the source of Oblivion's powers. So that little bit of his power that he gave me? The Path rejected it and threw me out. But for some reason it reacted... odd, and threw me out in both directions. So there were two Ridleys. Now don't get too excited with thinking of all the awesome shit I could do with two of me. As soon as Oblivion brought both of me to Indy, we merged together again. So sadly, there is only one of me now.

Nevertheless, that bit of Oblivion's power was still with me, and only became stronger as I continued being subjected to doing stupid shit for him. Thus, I was not allowed to traverse the Path. No big thang though, the Boss let me make my way through the Empty City when I needed to be places. He's a cool dude like that. Oblivion's power being all inside my head seems to also be why the Book was able to interface with me at the beginning. But by then the Master was tired of putting up with Oblivion's bullshit (as were we all, let's be honest) and promptly killed the fucker.

TL;DR It's all Oblivion's fault. And Rhodes. The donkeyfucker.

So now that we've explained all that away, we can get to the part where I tie this in to what I did for the Solstice. Well, now that I was armed with such knowledge, I intended to set about and immediately rectify the situation. First order of business was to get onto the Path. My dear cousin, Glorianna, opened the thing for us and I forced my way on. To accomplish this, I merely leapt right onto the Path, however I would need an anchor, and so I grabbed Cadence in one hand and Arpeggio in the other. Being revenants, they would of course have a greater concentration of Slenderpower in their systems, more than enough to keep us all from being flung unceremoniously back to earth.

And what do you know, it actually worked, too.

The idea here was basically to allow enough of the Path's energy to build up inside my body that it would expediate the evaporation of what remained of Oblivion's energy. We were just about there when a bullet whizzed by and struck the ground next to my right foot. We scattered, instinctively taking cover as a second bullet passed through the air in the exact spot I had been standing only moments earlier. I looked up in the direction from which the shots had come. There was a figure in one the window of one of the buildings, hidden behind the black leaves of a nearby tree. A sniper!

I quickly formulated a plan and shouted orders to my team. Glorianna, Hazendorf and I would move around back and head inside the building. Arpeggio and Cadence would stay hidden someplace where they could keep an eye on the place and shoot if anything tried to get out. We sprung into action, the three of us circling the building before splitting up and each heading in through a different entrance. I was the first to make it up to the appropriate floor and was thus greeted by our mysterious sniper. But he was mysterious no longer, for though I had never before set eyes on the man on the man, I recognized him immediately. Robert Sagel. The most evil man in the world.

"I thought I'd made it clear to you fuckers that I am master here now!"

He punctuated the statement by smacking me in the head with the butt of his gun, knocking me backwards and down the stairs. At the bottom, I regained my composure quickly, but not quickly enough to dodge the shot he was about to take at me. Luckily, I didn't have to, as at that moment Hazendorf tackled the motherfucker. Listening to the sounds of the struggle, I made my way back upstairs to find that Hazendorf had separated Robbie from his gun, but was not faring so well against Robbie's knife. I interrupted the dispute with a few short, but well-articulated counterarguments from my fists. With Robert properly silenced, we left the bloody pulp on the floor and went to find what had become of Glorianna, as we had not yet seen her since coming inside.

As we made our way down the corridor we heard noises and so we headed in that direction. We were quite surprised to find Glorianna locked in a shootout with Robert. I still had the gun I'd taken from Robert before, so I thought it'd be properly amusing to kill him with that and fired off a few shots. Then I noticed the grenade launcher. Robbie must've felt like fighting in a gentlemanly manner and thought that explosives would just ruin the fun. I couldn't disagree more; as far as I'm concerned, explosives should be used whenever possible. I launched one down the hall and it went kaboom! on the door Robbie had been using for cover. Thank goodness, we finally got rid of that crazy motherfucker.

Then we heard the gunshots from outside.

Yes, we couldnt' fucking hear it over the shooting we were doing, but Cadence and Arpeggio were sniping at, you guess it, another Robbie from the trees. The new Robbie was sniping at them from... well, everywhere. He kinda kept teleporting around all over the place. Yeah...

After facing down two Robbies, I was quite done with this shit. Solstice be damned. But I just couldn't let that self-righteous cock go on doing things. Something had to be done. So I did something.

 From the depths of the flaming black underpath, I called forth the fearsome Beast, Scaglietti Harlaown. The ground rumbled and I motioned to my team to evacuate quickly. I alone would stay to ensure that our foe was vanquished. Soon the Beast emerged from the ground and flew at the twisted Sage, it's massive jaws opening wide. I felt my victory was assured, but then I saw Robbie drop his gun and clap his hands together. Shit. They always do that when they're about to do something massive and destructive. A green light shot down from the sky and surrounded Robert as the Beast drew ever nearer. Just when it was right on him, Robbie let out a shout and unleashed the blind fury of his Kamehameha at the Beast, splitting it in two.

I was not about to just let him get away with that. I called the dead halves my pet to me and absorbed them into my body. The transformation was painful, but I emerged in my hellbeast form and took charge at Robbie. He was caught off guard, having not ever thought I would seriously attempt such a dangerous stunt. My time was quickly running out though; I could only maintain such a massive power level for a few minutes, and he knew it. I would have to act fast. We engaged in a way over the top, totally awesome anime-esque fight scene that was just so awesome I couldn't possibly describe it to you all.

But all that's really important is that I kicked. His. Motherfucking. ASS!!!! Hell yeah. Robbie put up a good fight, but he went down in the end. Then all the birds and the cute little animals came out of hiding and surrounded me and broke into song to thank me for liberating their land from that tyrant. They offered me control of the Path, but being the modest guy I am and remaining ever loyal to the Big Guy, I of course kindly refused. The Master showed up then, and He too thanked me for taking the Path away from that blowhard. He offered me a great pay increase and a corner office in the corporate HQ, but I just couldn't accept. In the field is where I belong, not pushing papers behind a desk in some stuffy office. So I left the Path in His capable hands and took off to reunite with my team. Then we went out and got drunk to celebrate.

And that's absolutely totally the truth of what happened this morning. We certainly didn't just find out that when Oblivion died all of his power disappeared and so I was totally capable of returning to the Path anytime. And we definitely didn't just go out and spend all morning drinking before returning to the hotel where I wrote up this awesome post for you to read. Well, that did happen. But only after everything else happened. It's all absolutely true. All of it.

Oh, and I'll be sure to fill you all in on the Salieri case. But damn, I need to rest up after that awesome huge totally-actually-happened fight with Robbie. So I may be gone a few days. And then Christmas is after that. So maybe longer. But New Year's is after Christmas, so...

You guys might hear from me again sometime in January. Until then, stay frosty. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Happy Hanukkah. Brush your teeth. Good night.

P.S. I made up absolutely none of this post. It is all 100% factual truth. Go die in a dumpster for doubting my veracity.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

As our lives change, come whatever; We will still be friends forever

Tomorrow's a big day, folks.

That's right. The Solstice. Good times, good times. I wasn't on the blogosphere a year ago, but I've read through the archives. Some bitchin' tight stories they all wrote way back when, sexily entertaining. But all good things must end and so they did. All those assholes are dead now. More or less. But that's cool, 'cause now we have even more assholes than we did back then. There are even some sweet motherfuckers, like yours truly, here to liven this dismal place up a bit now. Back then we just had Reach, and you can't deny that that dude was a total killjoy. No fun at all.

We've had lots of fun since then though, haven't we? I got to be made into a chess piece in a game between four different eldritch abominations. I met a fine upstanding gentleman from the totally rational and well-funded group of paranormal investigators at CRUSADER. I got to work with psychotic fourteen year old assassins. Good times. And y'all remember Iscariot. Love that guy; he was a complete ass, but I love that guy. Don't have a damn clue about anything that happened back when I was with him, but fuck was it fun. I think his blog was much more interesting with me on it, but that's just whatever.

Slendy even managed to nab himself a cute little girlfriend, that sly dog. I always knew he was a player. But Fifi's a real nice girl, the Boss found himself a good one, that's for sure. I totes get to be the best man at the wedding. I hear it's scheduled for June 10, and all of you are invited. It'll be sweet.

Then there's Konaa. My bestest buddy in the whole wide world. I can't apologize enough, I should have been there. Should have had your back when that Rhode Island Redfucker came after you. I'm sorry. I should have been there for you, I should have stopped him. After everything we went through together... It shouldn't have ended like that. We survived the Alamo, Vietnam, that ICP concert. To be blown up in a warehouse like you're just some shitty extra in a Schwarzenegger film... I'm sorry, I need a minute...

Okay I'm good.

And don't worry Konaa, I broke the news to Arnie. He took it alright.

But there's so much else that's gone on. Sageboy came back, went nuts, slaughtered the innocent, got killed by a tree. You can't make this shit up folks.

Robbie died. Five times. Do elephants get nine lives like a cat?

Shaun-boy's back now! He's always been one of my favorites. I especially liked the time he broke his face trying to do parkour. Loser. But he's a vet now, you've got to give him points for that. But he gets even more points for being able to meet up with the ever-elusive M. Even the Boss has a hard time keeping up with him, so you sir, deserve a fucking... well, just a fucking, let's get the man a twenty dollar whore.

And Maduin. Beloved jester. The Boss was always thoroughly amused by your antics. Never before did any man have the audacity to dare prank the powerful and mighty Slender Man. You caught Him unawares, and He developed a great respect for you as a prankster. But He did get you back in the end. His nanna would be so proud if she could see Him now...

Sorry, I get off point. There are new sages now. I don't really like any them, they're all dicks. Especially Nick, flying around with his magic-shit, slaying unicorns and the bugs from Skull Island. And yet David Tennant manages to give you trouble. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either.

The PTC crashed and burned. And I never even got to find out what the fuck Father Paranoia was. Dic... actually no, they never solved the mystery, so they clearly aren't dicks. At least, not very good ones. But still, they were totes badass. And they always had the best toys. I would just absolutely love to get my hands on some lasers. Pew pew pew.

Elaine and the Fall of Hope. God, we are pretentious, aren't we? You can't even tell me you didn't know everything was gonna go south, you clearly picked that name just to be all dramatic and shit. Nevertheless, I believe we have a standing date to pick up a drink together. Forget the past and get drunk. That's the philosophy I tell other people to live by. They're much easier to pick off when they're drunk.

Return to S(l)ender!!! Address unknown!!! No such person. No such zone. Wait, I already made that joke, didn't I? Sorry, that's just in bad taste. Doc, you can't keep denying how you really feel about me forever. Wait, I already made that joke once too. So being serious for a moment: when exactly did you manage to steal my wallet. I seem to recall you could hardly stand, yet you manage to steal my wallet? Bitch. I know it was you, I had it on me before I met you and then it wasn't. Spencer, your people are thieves. And you are a gigantic donkey. Hee-haw, hee-haw! Steele, that offer's still good anytime you want to take it up. The rest of you... yeah, I don't really care, you all have enough issues to make me seem normal. That's honestly quite frightening.

There was also that douche that claimed he wrote Dreams in Darkness and tried to make a novel. And then Sparky killed him. Rather anticlimactic. Also, that reminds me, I still owe the Arsonist a cantaloupe.

Zeke Strahm is back. Has been back. Is still off... Zeke Strahming shit. What else can I say, you all follow his blog, don't even act like you don't.

Dammit, do you people have any idea how hard it is keeping shit a secret for a whole year? Of course I knew what Alex had done the whole time, Master let me in on the secret 'cause I'm a badass, but I didn't want to spoil the ending for you guys. Jegus did Jayjay ever take forever in watching those tapes. Of course, we had to let him watch through the tapes, 'cause where's the fun in just telling him what happened? He's a big boy after all, he should be able to solve his own eldritch stalker and cryptic bullshit problems. And remember kids, headbutting Cthulhu is never a sound tactical decision.

It might however be a half decent name for a rock band. With a trumpet player and a little plate with grapefruit for the VIPs to snack on backstage.

The HYBRIDs have been rather quiet lately. Master won't tell me what's going on with them. They're His 'special project.' Personally, I think He was just looking for ways to keep His sexy figure and got a bit too... what? People have already done that joke? Well fuck, what am I supposed to do now, that was my whole shtick. I guess I'll just have to make fun of Vinnie's bea-- oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me.

Well damn, a lot of shit's gone down in the last year. I can't possibly cover everything. But just lemme tell y'all it's been damn fun! To all of you who've had the pleasure of meeting me so far, I love you. And to everyone else, I look forward to becoming acquainted with you in the future.

Of course, I couldn't let such a momentous occasion pass without something big going down. And since we've already taken care of our case (I'll get to that later, it wasn't that interesting anyway) I figured I may as well engineer something entertaining. And since it will also serve to get me answers to some shit that happened months ago and none of you probably even care about anymore, well, double score. Seriously though, I have unfinished business to take care of, so I figured I may as well take care of it while taking advantage of the Solstice. We'll all come out of this with a good feeling about ourselves, I'm certain.

Stay frosty and stay tuned. I'll be back tomorrow with the official report.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Do as you are told and maybe then we'll let you out

A day or two, I said. Or, y'know, maybe four. It's not like we're in China or anything, so four is good, right?

I must apologize, my peeps, I did not intend to be gone for such a period, but there was business to be taken care, y'know. Quite unavoidable. But then I didn't really expect those guys to be able to see through a perception filter. That's not the kind of thing you can just pick up on the street. Salieri must've paid an assload for 'em.

See, what had happened was, Jonas wanted us to take out his competition, a distinguised gentleman who goes by the name of Salieri. I'm not making this shit up, I swear that's actually his name. Salieri has been gettin' up in Jonas' business lately, and as you can imagine, the bossman was none too happy about that. A simple job really, used to handle this kind of shit all the time, maybe not folks in such a high position, but important people nonetheless.

We had a nice setup. Very simple. Have the twins shoot the bastard from the roof, use the Path to get out. Nice, quick, no problem. Of course unforeseen problems had to arise. Namely the fact that one of Salieri's bodyguards found our snipers the moment they arrived and security was on it soon enough. Which brings me to the point I brought up above. We had them filtered, just as a little extra precaution, but that didn't seem to bother security much. Well, most of the guards were confused and couldn't find their targets, but there were enough that apparently could see through the filter that we had to get out of there. Arpeggio got out fine through the Path, but Cadence got nabbed by security quick and Glorianna had to go in and pull him out.

Yeah cos, I'm gonna keep using your real name on here. What the fuck are you gonna do about it?

Oh, she also wasn't very happy that I called her back out here just to act as backup. I don't know what she's bitching about, she ended up getting to go in and fight shit anyway.

What's that? You say you don't think that what I described could've possibly filled four whole days? Well fuck you, that's the story you're gettin', you spoiled little asshole. And I'm not gonna tell you my secret now. 'Cause it's fucking awesome and amazing and it makes me look like the baddest motherfucker on earth. And I'm fucking clever too. That's right, I figured shit out. But you don't get to know about that now, you've pissed me off. So you're just gonna have to wait until we finish this shit for realz now and maybe then I might just tell y'all about what went down. Maybe, maybe not. You'll just have to wait and see.

Stay frosty, hosers. We're always watching.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Unborn living, living, dead; Bullet strikes the helmet's head

Attention whores. All of you.

Though I'll grant that the Doors are very good for pretentious-sounding, meaningless post titles.

But really Oblivion, I thought we were done with this shit. You died. Fair and square, got your ass handed to you by the Anorexic Agent.

I really shouldn't talk about the Boss like that, He's very sensitive about His weight, you know.

Stay frosty chums. My team is all together now, so I should be back with news in a day or two. Don't worry, blogger will let you know when I've updated, there's no need to sit there and stare intently at my page waiting for an update. Go get yourself some dinner, you're starting to look like the Boss. Dammit! I'm sorry Boss, please no, don't-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...............

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Driver, where you takin' us?

the killer awoke before dawn

he put his boots on

he took a face from the ancient gallery

and he walked on down the hall

he went into the room where his sister lived and, then he

paid a visit to his brother and then he

he walked on down the hall, and

and he came to a door... and he looked inside


yes son

i want to kill you


i want to...


Not bloody likely.

Your death black wings; Unfolding sleep

Madi, stop having a bitch fit. Doc's an old perv, yes, but he's an old perv with hon... he's got manne- well, he would never-

Fine. You're right, trying not to get raped is part of your training. Have fun. But c'mon, he's almost a hundred years old, you can take him. You stabbed that cult asshole, spilled that fucker's guts. I believe in yyyyoooouuuuu!!

Yeah, whatever.

So as some of my readers may have gathered, we once more have stuff happening. Sweet! you say, and damn right for it. Madi shall be taking a little vacation. Well, that's not really right. Iscariot wants her to train with Doktor Abendroth, the crazy old German asshole who posted on my blog way back sometime. He's really a good guy, I've known him for years. He and Archy fought each other back during the war... Possibly even the one in Germany and maybe actually in 1941, but with all the weird time-fuckery both of them get into, it's hard to say for sure. He was doing some work for my old boss, Mr. Jonas, when I met him.

Ah, Mr. Jonas, yes. That's why I'm here. What can I tell you all about him? Not much, really. He does... things. Illegal things, that much you can be sure of, and he is a very wanted man in several states. Including Canada. Or at least he was at one time. That was the work that Doc was doing for him, getting the fuzz off his ass. That sounded very wrong. Doc, like I said, fucks around with time a lot, he did some shit, Jonas became sort of a nonperson. Oh he had an identity, a nice dude who as far as anyone knew was not involved in any activities which would be frowned upon by the law, but the criminal lord Jonas wasn't nobody that ever existed. Or something like that. You get the idea.

Shit didn't turn out quite right though. Mr. Jonas had a bit of an accident. That's why he has spent the last five years here in a hospital hooked up to machines. I won't go into detail about that, other than to say that... uh, stuff happened and shit. Slenders was involved... I think. I recall meeting our tall friend around this time anyway. Jonas denies that there ever was a Tall Man, but he's a near-braindead cripple, who cares what he thinks?

After that, I joined the Slender crew. I could tell you more, but I'm not really feeling it at the moment. Maybe later.

I'm now back here where I am, and my old employer wants me to do him a solid. 'Cause I'm the best there is at what I do and what I do isn't wait I think I stole that from somebody, oh well, I probably killed 'em for the right to use it anyway. The point is I'm damn good. Konaa, you can just shut the fuck up laughing at me in your fucking grave. I could've gotten you, bitch. Rhodes is a whore. I'm getting off topic. The point is I'm FUCKING awesome. I do good work. I'm not going to tell you what work I'm doing, I'm just going to leave short sporadic updates on here to make you guess as to what's going on, so that you will pull out your hair trying to theorize what it is that I'm up to.

No, but serious like. I still got Hansel & Gretel up here with me, and soon my old homeboys from Massachusetts are gonna be comin' up to do stuff. I kind of forgot them after I was mysteriously moved from Maine to Indy, so I'm sure they're bored, they obviously haven't been doing jack shit since I left them. Bums. Come to think of it, I should probably look into how I ended up in Indy. That wasn't really explained was it?
Fuck it, it was like five months ago, does anybody even really care anymore?

we care very much ridley. don't leave us yet, dear boy.

So I gots my new team be gettin' together soon and shit, and then we're gonna go do some stuff. I'll keep you all posted. Don't worry, I promise not to be all cryptical bullshitty like I implied I would be. I love you guys, I wouldn't do that to you.

Also, Robert is a giant hot dog. I say we grill him up and eat him.

Stay frosty.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

I know you don't believe me But the way I see it, way I see it

ri̲d͕͇ley what the fuck?̸̸́

your͢͞e sell͎͙̭̽̈ing me to that creepy̷̕ old german fucker

go to ḣ̿e̤͌̽ll


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Good times, bad times; you know I've had my share

Ridley: Yo Doc, how's it hangin'?

Doktor Abendroth: Hello, Ridley. I hear you've been doing well.

R: Yeah right. Sure, gotten into some crazy shit, but hasn't been all fun and games you know. Not that I don't try, but these assholes are all just so damn serious all the time. Buncha squares.

D.A.: Most people just don't know how to have fun like you do, Ridley.

R: It's like they don't even appreciate what the Boss has done for them. I mean what were they doin' before He showed up? Sittin' on their asses, being boring insignificant pieces of shit. Then they meet a tall dark stranger who is only trying to liven up their existences a little bit, you know, show them a fun time, and they get all pissy and try to kill ya. Ungrateful little cocksuckers.

D.A.: Yes, well...

R: Anyway, I can complain about assholes on the internet all day, but what say we cut to the chase. The part where you bitch me out about meeting with Jonas.

D.A.: Bitte, Ridley. What makes you think that's why I called you here?

R: Doc, c'mon now. It's been almost four years since you bothered to contact anybody from the old team. I wasn't even sure you were still alive until you decided to get all trolly on my blog a couple weeks ago.

D.A.: You're calling me trolly? Arschloch-

R: Now, now, calm your old man tits. I'm just sayin'. You've just been off the radar for a while; now you return all of a sudden. What gives?

D.A.: Unsavory business. You know how it is.

R: Sure sure. What about here though? What was the deal with Crusader.

D.A.: How did you hear about that? Even though I know your answer.

R: My friend and I had a nice little chat before I had to kick his ass last time. Some things came to light.

D.A.: Well then you'll understand it was their fault not mine.

R: I understand that if Glory hadn't happened to be visiting, then that crazy asshole probably would've gotten Leah, which is not a thought I find at all pleasing. S'why I don't spend much time around here, to keep the crazies from showing up.

D.A.: I just don't understand why you're blaming me for this.

R: Ma says you were gonna give her to him.

D.A.: No. What? Never. You don't honestly think I'd do something like that do you?

R: If I recall, you did cut up your sister back in Germany.

D.A.: I only did what Mengele told me to. Not that the verdammt idiot had any fucking clue about anything. If that Schwanzlutscher hadn't gotten in my fickerei weg... I could have killed Hitler, you know. The operation would have gone so much smoother, so much cleaner. Why I didn't take the chance, I'll never know.

R: Yeah yeah, I don't need to hear your Nazi stories again, sorry I brought it up.

D.A.: You're just not seeing the big picture here, Ridley. The Ą̸̭̳̭͔͉̹̣̬͖̋ͨͧ͋̈́͋ͥ́r͚̲̩̤̯̭̻̀͒͐̅͗ͭ̚͜͝c̒͏̺̖hͧ͌̃̈͒̌̂̉͏̷̻̦̱̲̟̟̪ĭ̮ͤ̀̏̑ͥ̐͜͝v̼̤̅̏̊͊̅͘e̗̦͗ͨͫ̕͠, it gave you a taste of things and you managed to do well enough with that.

R: What exactly did I do that was well enough?

D.A.: But you aren't seeing everything. That Oblivion fellow had it all, he just couldn't use it. It devoured his mind. He was rather a fun toy during the war though. If only people weren't so afraid of scientific progress, the things I could've given them to burn the world with.

R: You have got to be fucking kidding me. You knew that Oblivion asshole too?

D.A.: That I 'knew him' is probably not the best way of putting it. I experimented on him many times and learned some interesting things from it. I don't know what they did with him after they decided to have me killed in the Forest. He must've escaped, I guess...

R: ...
D.A.: &$J7865===!jk
R: doesnotwork
D.A.: ?:?6 C@D6 2?5 D6G6? 92G6 A6C:D965
R: V
r: that's right blood
r: has nosovereign
R: Tb gryy Nyvpr.
C/TR: wasn't meant for the girl
D.A.: But I can assure you that the Knights don't know about the Chronos Project. Upstairs has to keep some things secret, right?

R: Vs vg pna xvff zl nff, fher.
R: It just seems a bit like overkill to me, but I guess that's why I'm doing this job.

D.A.: You can do whatever you want, Ridley. I'm just trying to warn you that he's still pissed about what happened. He WILL try to get you killed.

R: Naw, man, he loves me like a son.

D.A.: Ridley, don't be retarded. How many times has he tried to have me killed. Even after I was the only thing keeping the government from finding him. He won't make an exception for you. Especially not after

R: I know, I know. We don't need to go over this shit again, man.

D.A.: Fine. You go ahead then. I take it you're not going to be keeping Jonas' team.

R: Hell no. I can't trust those fuckers. I got Glory coming down. And the twins here, I don't think Legacy'll be needin' 'em anytime soon.

D.A.: Speaking of your little ragtag bunch of assholes, you mentioned something to me earlier about the girl.

R: Madi, yeah. I want you to take her with you.

D.A.: And why am I doing this exactly?

R: Hell if I know. Archy mentioned it in that letter he left with ma.

D.A.: Not that I'm surprised, and I already know the answer, but I saw myself asking you why Alejandro didn't tell me that himself when I met him in Maine.

R: Yeah, well. I don't think he's quite all there right now. To be honest, I don't think he has been since he woke up back in April. He was working hard at keeping up the illusion that he was in control, but somewhere along the line he lost that too. I don't even think half the shit he wrote about actually happened, or at least I don't remember a lot of it. But that could be attributed to a lot of things, so who's to say what's real and what wasn't.

D.A.: Ridley, just exactly how much did the Book show you?

R: It's all up here, Doc.

¿: i see you

D.A.: I'll take the girl I suppose. Of course, I saw myself agreeing to it anyway. Hurensohn.

R: What is that like Doc?

D.A.: What?

R: You always know everything that's going to happen and you just have to go along with what you see. How does that work exactly?

D.A.: You'll know eventually.

R: Does that mean you're gonna tell me, or that I'm gonna end up as a creepy old German dude?

D.A.: You'll know when you find out.

R: Gee, thanks. That's not bullshit at all, that really fucking told me what I wanted to know, you're great Doc.

D.A.: Laugh now, Ridley. Actually, don't stop laughing. It should serve you well I think. Guten nacht, Ridley.

You're an ass, you know that. What'd you do with my memory of that section in the middle, Doc? Stuff it under your bed with all the empty beer bottles and dead Mexican house cleaners? I'll bet you didn't think I'd catch the guy speaking in yellow text either. Joke's on you, 'cause there it is bitch. I sees it. 

And don't you worry none about Jonas. I got plans and shit.

Oh, the Knights know about Project Chronos now, too. Nyah.

Stay frosty.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Hey, you're crazy bitch

That whore. I'm gonna kill her.

On another note: Glorianna, where the fuck are you? Get in contact, bitch. Doc's here and he's having a pissing fit. Apparently Mr. Jonas wants me to do another job for him. And you know how Doc gets. You should come back, we can team up again, cos. It'll be sweet.

Stay frosty.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Hey hey hey, I just found my way...

...All you stupid fuckers walk around astounded and drownin'

Yeah! I'm free! Free once again to breathe the air of the normal world where there are not monsters and crazed beasts around every corner. Here where the monsters are inside the closet and under the bed where they belong. Except for Neil Young, who somehow is still able to walk around freely in public. I've had things less frightening than that try to eat me.

It looks like several of the posts I made while inside the office on Ash Tree Lane didn't go through. And some of those that are there, I don't recall writing. There appear to also be some holes in what's up there, but fuck it, I can't be bothered to figure out what is and is not there. I'm free motherfuckers! Hide your wife, hide your kids!

Okay, maybe just the basics. We got inside the building, Roulette was gonna do whatever he was gonna do with the Book, but Sullivan betrayed us and killed Roulette. As he tried to make off with the Book, his 'associates' the Crimson Templars (or something stupid like that) arrive and we have a big fight, get separated, I get lost inside the place and fun times are had by all. Eventually I meet up again with Cadence and then Arpeggio and Madi. Oh, there was also my little encounter with Legacy and my other little encounter with the Dying Man. Finally we wind up in the lobby and are about to leave, when Legacy stops us. Then Sullivan and his assholes show up. Legacy has the Book with him and Sullivan requests that he return it to them. There was something about requiring the power it holds if they are to resurrect their savior. Sorry bro, but I just can't in good conscience allow you bring about L. Ron's return.

Sullivan pulls out his gun and points it at Legacy, and in response Cadence levels his rifle at Sullivan. Another one of the knights pulls a gun on him; Arpeggio pulls two guns and aims one at the knight and one at red trenchcoat bitch, who I think is the leader of this pretentious Redlight wannabe gang. And so it goes. By the time all is said and done, I myself have no less than three projectile weapons aimed at my person, including what appears to be a grenade launcher, while, having lost my second pistol somewhere along the way, I am left pointing but a single gun at some random mook. I was extremely disappointed that I didn't even get to fire at somebody important, but what can you do? I also, in the middle of the insanity, took notice of the fact that some of the knights were pointing guns at each other. Musta had a falling out. So, there's four of us, Legacy, about a dozen or so motherfuckers, and about thirty guns. We got quite the Mexican standoff goin' on here, is what I'm gettin' at.

Those crazy Mexicans and their silly Australian gunfights.

But as fun as it is just sittin' around and pointing guns at one another, at some point somebody has to actually do something. In this case it wasn't any of us. There's a crack, some black leaves blowing in the breeze and the front doors open wind. In walks this dude, just as natural as if he were entering his own fucking living room, dressed in torn jeans and a black hoodie. He's got the hood pulled up and his head down, so we can't see his face, and he just strolls in, not seeming to take heed of the twenty or so pissed off motherfuckers with firearms only a couple yards off.

The newcomer stops and turns his head toward Legacy, who nods, and then this woman walks in, who is very clearly the Dying Man's new host, what with her missing eye, her sunken-in cheeks, the way the flesh on her face is kind of peeling off, the way her voice sounds like Satchmo. Yeah, blow your horn, Louie. The woman walks over to Legacy and takes the Book from him, the sound of a gun being fired is heard, and that's all it takes for everything to go absolutely batshit. Bullets flying every which way, people going down, me cutting out a dude's throat after he shot me in the left shoulder. Jegus, I got a crate dropped on it, got shot there before, got my arm cut open, got my hand broken... please, for the love of God, if you're going to attack me in the arm, can you please go for the right side? I don't think the left one can sustain much more shit happening to it.

So the smoke clears, some folks are dead, including Legacy it looks like. Of course the little demon twins are somehow perfectly fine, creepy little fucks. Hoodie guy is standing in the middle of the room, a bloodied sword in one hand, the Book in the other. It was at this point that I saw the Operator Symbol on the back of his hoodie. Black hoodie... Operator symbol... shows up in the middle of crazy shit goin' down... Hey, I know who this guy is!

"Hey, motherfucker, I thought you was supposed to be studying and shit. You keep saying that's why you can't update your blog!"

He turns around. "Hey, you try writing up an essay about the existential dynamics of space-time manipulation by extradimensional horroterrors without stealing a tome of eldritch lore or two and see how far you get."

"So how come you ain't dead right now? That's how these incidents usually end, ain't it?"

"That's just silly. If I were dead, I couldn't be waxing my car while fighting Nazis in Brazil?"


"Sorry I don't have time to talk, but I am a very busy man. There are papers to write and dark magick to read up on."

And with that he was gone. Once again, my hospitality is ignored, as another one just leaves without staying to have drinks. What's this world coming to? So with that... encounter finished, I realized hey, who the hell else is still around? We didn't find any knights still breathing, so I collected my peeps and we got the hell out of there. It's really been two fucking weeks since we went in there? What the fuck? I know it felt like we were there forever, but really I figured it couldn't have been more than a week. Stupid fucked up bullshit mindfuckering, asswiping, time-distorting, space-warping, dimensional bleeding structure of corporate whatever, I'm tired of this now.

It's been a long ride, my peeps. A mindfucked motherfucker with teh magick powerz, fucking Wyoming, a teenage girl getting too involved in an internet myth, H.P. Lovecraft's Book of Bedtime Stories, couriers, revenants, cultists, Fears, motherfucking Omega... What the hell? That's all I can say really, just- just, what the hell?

With Legacy and Roulette and most of the rest of the team gone, I guess that means I'm leader now! W00t!! Naw, just fucking with y'all. That shit's boring, and it gets far too political for my tastes. Anyway, we got places to get our asses to right now. Before the higher ups start pissing and moaning about all the shit that's gone down. If they think I'm filling out any goddamn paperwork they obviously haven't been keeping in touch with my insurance agency.

Life is fucking good motherfuckers! Stay frosty ladies and bros. Hopefully we'll have some kind of new job soon and more ridiculous and stupid shit to regale you all with. Because we've all been having a just wonderful time with all that thus far, haven't we?

Yeah, I know you fucking have.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

But you and I we've been through that, And this is not our fate

I ran into Legacy earlier.

He's looking terribly not well. He wouldn't tell me what the hell happened to him after he just disappeared, but he was covered in dirt and blood and looking generally like shit. At one point he had a nice coughing fit and hacked up some black shit. I noticed his eyes were... the veins in his eyes had turned black it looked like.

I had been up in the tower, trying to sleep 'cause you know it's been four days I think that I've been in here and I needed some fucking sleep. Now of course I didn't figure on getting a good night's rest in this crazy ass place, but I didn't really expect to get dragged off someplace in my sleep. I probably should have, but fuck if I wasn't fucking tired. And besides, I kind of didn't expect there to be angels in this hellhole. Yeah, angels motherfucker, with wings and halos, and white robes and armor and flaming swords and shit. They had helmets on covering their whole heads, so I couldn't see whether or not they actually look like ugly fat babies.

But anyhow, I wake up and I'm not where I fell asleep at. I look around and see these fuckers standin' all around and I'm fuckin' tied up y'know and I'm just like 'shit, what the fuck man?' but they ain't payin' no mind to me at all. Then one of 'em comes over and presses the tip of its sword to my chest, which I believe I mentioned they had flaming swords, fucking burned me with it. It kinda tilted its head staring down at me an' just let me sit there with a flaming sword cutting through my ribcage for a few minutes before finally letting up and moving on.

I still do not know what the hell they were planning to do to me there. It was only a couple minutes after that that Legacy showed up and beat the fuckers all down with his bitchin' crazy ass mindfucked revenant powers. I think. He unties me and I'm like hey Legacy, what the fuck you doin', you been gone for a while bro. And he's just like 'Cryptic bullshit motherfucker' and dances off with the fairies. Okay, maybe I made part of that up. It was so much cryptic as it was bullshit.

So he starts talkin' shit, crazy shit, just real fast talking and not even really caring if I'm listening or not. He's sayin' some stuff that sounds familiar, I've seen on this blog before and in the future, about the Scarlet Knights and the Beast. I couldn't really make sense of most of it. There was one point where he grabs me and starts yelling at my face that we need to get the Book back, it has to be destroyed so we can seal the Aperture before the Angel is released. Blacklight was going to kill the Archangel and something about a man with the 'sign of the Operator' emblazoned on his jacket would come and destroy the Blackwelder's Account.

Then suddenly he stops and just walks off down the corridor. I yelled at him like what the fuck bro? and he turns back briefly.

"Everyone is going to die, Ridley. It is inevitable. To fight death is foolish. Do not turn from the service of the Old Gods, for only in them does eternity lie."

And then he walked off like a motherfucker.

Shit, five days now in this place, I need to get the fuck out before I start going looney as well.

Stay frosty, my bitches.

Monday, November 7, 2011

I want to help you, You have to help yourself

Sooo... fuck.

Because it just wouldn't be my life if something ridiculous and crazy didn't go down and fuck everything up. We're all here in the mindscrew office like I said, right, and Roulette is getting ready to do what he was going to do. I don't know, I was just along for the ride, kill any wayward white collar workers who might happen to be still inhabiting this godforsaken place, y'know. It didn't go exactly as planned.

Sullivan interrupted Roulette during the ritual and they started arguing about something. Sullivan pulls a gun on Roulette, shoots him twice. Death's Head is about to shoot Sullivan down, when a bullet grazes her arm. We all turn towards the Doors and see a bunch of people waltzing in through 'em. Sullivan picks up the Book and is walking over to these people, so we're figurin' out pretty quickly just what the hell is going on here. Head don't take long to recover and get really pissed, choosing to work off her anger by opening fire on the newcomers. They scatter, and before you know it the shit has hit the fan.

No-Name takes out two of 'em. I didn't know he was a revenant too and I'm not even sure how to describe what he did, but suddenly one of 'em has these black vines things burst out of their chest which grab onto the other one and go down their throat. I'd love to know what the hell that shit was, but I guess I won't be able to now, since No-Name didn't notice the guy with the sword coming up behind him.

Meanwhile, this sexy bitch in this tight bright red leather outfit is trying to kick my ass. And as a gentleman, I just couldn't bring myself to kick hers. And you shoulda seen this bitch's jugs, man, I can't believe they didn't just pop outta her top and smack me in the face. That would've been preferable to the parts of her that were hitting me. Well eventually I figured I couldn't stand for that kinda   shit, so I_∞|]ᴚ `th͉͈̤̰͍̘͇̞a̸̛̤̜̝̕_t∞͖̈́̿̃̓̈́̽̀̚ -+ϡ':d ,... ,54fgh

ever͙͙̼͓͖̳̃͡s̻͈̋ͥ̈́̇ͪ͜a͕̳͗̅̈͟di the y͕̪͌shd ouldn;T_have_g0ne_that_F3ar_down̼̖͎̽̿̉.̊͒̎̇s̖̖̮ͅT͠͝҉uPiD_fU(K3ᴚ$5.
Because of course nobody actually listens to Ridley. They just run off to do their own
stupid fucking whatever. And now I don't know where anybody fucking is. I hate this
fucking place. Stupid building. Stupid motherfuckers. I should just leave 'em and get
myself out. And I will too, just as soon as I stop being all lost inside this fucking place.

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¶tHought ¡ he4rd ş͞0҉̢̨͞͡m̷̧͢͜e͏̴̧̨͢t̶̴͜͝͞h͞i̸͞͠n̴̶͡6҉͡ ̸̕͟͞͡0͟͡u̵̵̡̢҉t̶̛ ̢t́͜͢h̴̡҉ę̴́҉r͏e̢͡////////////


nyy tbq'f puvyyvaf ner vafnar
nyy tbq'f puvyyvaf ner vafnar
nyy tbq'f puvyyvaf ner vafnar
nyy tbq'f puvyyvaf ner vafnar