Monday, March 12, 2012


My dear Ridley,

You do so enjoy making yourself look good, don't you?

Slender Man saved you from the bureaucrats? Hardly. It isn't nice to lie to your faithful following like that. 

Don't think I care about you. I just couldn't bear the thought of anyone other than myself punching your ticket. Especially not those pencil-pushers who are all going to be dead as soon as... Apologies, that would be spoilers.

Also, I do hope you enjoyed my little present. You were quite right, the Dying Man did use up Legacy's body quite some time ago. What's been following you these last few months is something entirely different.

Too bad I had to make reality unstable just to pull it off, but what fun would life be without a little risk? I've had too long a vacation. OBLIVION did his job well enough while he lasted, but he was only ever meant to be a distraction.

The real fun starts now, my boy.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Crystal Blue Persuasion: Better get ready to see the light

So I headed down to check in with the local bigwig like I said, right?

No sooner had I crossed the threshold into this den of iniquity but the fucker signals his flunkies to beat my ass to the ground. Considering I was outnumbered seven to one, I put up a righteous opposition, if I do say so myself. Sliced open one cocksucker's gut, and put out another's eyes. Nevertheless, the tide quickly turned against me and I was soon a captive of the foul mongrel.

Upon having attained my undivided attention, he proceeded to lay the facts on me. The bread and butter of the situation is that upstairs thinks I've gotten my ass too far involved in shit that they don't want to be fucking around with. They say I'm a "liability" and they had to get rid of me. As if. I mean, you guys have been following me this whole time, right? You can testify that never have I done anything that could possibly be a danger to noble and most honorable proxy bureaucracy. I've been a model agent, they just hatin'. It's all politics in this gig.

Well, maybe not all of it. Seems they forgot to consult with the Big Man about offing me. Right as the head honcho was about to punch my ticket, who should appear in our midst but the Slender Man himself. Those plebeians all start bowin' down to Him and shit, so what does Slendy do? Grabs their dickless leader and twists his fucking head off. Sweet shit. As you can well imagine, the rest of the crowd were eager to get out of there, and get out they did. Gave me one of His looks and then tossed my ass out a window. I was knocked unconscious when my head made the acquaintance of the pavement. I woke up just twenty minutes ago outside a truckstop in Idaho. You have no idea how much I love waking up in random states like this. Just fucking wonderful.

Hold on...

Oh, you son of a bitch, get your ass back here right the fuck

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

You can drive my car just as much as you like.

So after I got out of that loop Doc stuck me in, I decided to fuck up some of his plans a bit. He had some eldritch locations set up around places to be used for black magick ceremonies and shit. I decided they had a bit of an evil, depressed feeling about them, so I got myself some holy water, sprinkled it around, and now they're just the happiest places. Completely useless for dark voodoo Nazi magick, but one can't have everything.

After fucking around a bit with that, I decided it would be a good idea to figure out where I was. As it turns out, I somehow ended up in Saskatchewan. Feeling nauseous in the grotesque, sickeningly-not-American Canadian air, I quickly leapt onto the Trail of Ebony Foliage, waved good-day to a certain young Jewish man stabbing bushes behind the arcade, and leapt off, arriving back in Chicago.

It's quite an interesting thing to see when those boys in Fisk's unit actually do their job right. No trace that either Jonas or my people were ever here. Now that is what I call a job well done. If only all of us were as dedicated to doing a good job. At least half the time.

Cadence and Arpeggio got reassigned after I 'disappeared.' Not sure what happened to Hazendorf and Death's Head. I'm going to check in with the local adminstration office and see about getting myself a new squad. And learn exactly why I was never informed about the weekly newsletter (thank you Freedomcaged, for bringing this to my attention). Doc said he was looking for me, but honestly I'd have thought he'd already be here. I still don't really know what's going on, but you know what? I'm tired of this shit. It's time to fucking party.

Stay frosty. And keep an eye out, we're always watching.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Du hurensohn!!! Arschgeige!!

You horseraping fucking little cuntweasel! I don't know how you managed that, and I don't particularly care. Fucking idiot!!! Almost a century's worth of effort destroyed in an instant. Schwachkopf!!! You fucking ass rat, pigsucking bastard!!! I will fucking end you and lpo8yew nuliayweli fhaslilfkjhsfhnadsfkdsfl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I get my hands on your ass you I will hang you from the ceiling by your dick. I will peel the flesh from your... blood and bile and piss and you will be... so much.PAIN!..Lot's of PAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Ridley, I do so apologize. Just come out of hiding and let's talk this over. Everything... fine, just fine. 

Quit fucking with shit you twit.