Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Go down, like some disgraced cosmonaut

Well, that was a tad bit more difficult than I had thought it would be, but everything's taken care of now.

Poor little Miriam. I really had hoped she'd be able to see things our way by this point. Killing her was not the most fun thing I've ever done. There'd been far too much trouble in that town, so Master felt it was pertinent to do a little house cleaning. Nothing a little mass memory-alteration couldn't fix, right? Miriam's little friend, what was her name? Betty? Whatever. Had to get rid of her entirely. Well, almost entirely. We let her memory live on with her dear old chum, for as long as she lasted anyway. From what we could ascertain, the Wooden Girl's long gone, probably after the Book since I apparently left for Lucy at some point last week.

I do believe I'm rambling. Forgive me, the last two weeks have been rather odd, to say the least. Anyway, we had to tie up all the loose ends here in town, and that meant Miss Shawe. With everyone having lost all knowledge of all the weird shit that's been going on, I was able to freely stroll down the street once again. It was quite enjoyable, I must say, not having those blue-suited assholes watching all the time anymore. Or puppets, not that I knew about those before. I knocked on the door and when I received no response, I promptly kicked it in. Ah, then I saw the reason for my being left outside was not simply rudeness, the young lady was already entertaining guests. One rather important guest, rather. Master had already arrived. How splendid!

We were there a few minutes, we gave her a chance to join us and all that shit, but she wouldn't have it. And so Master went to work. He picked her up with two of His tentacles and tossed her across the room, smashing apart a bookcase and I believe one of her arms. She tried to get to her feet, but Master grabbed her again and lifted her into the air and then bringing her down onto the marble coffee table. A couple times. At some point she was knocked out and Master chucked her through the window. I walked on over and suddenly Master was outside as well. He stood over her, and I felt a cold breeze. Some black leaves fluttered by. We were on the Path now and Master picked her up and moved into the trees, but He stopped at the edge and peered at me with his non-existent eyes. One of His tentacles shot towards me and hit me in the chest.

Next thing I remember, I'm back in town and back at the spot where I got the Book from Doc. Waiting for me there was some freaky lookin' dude wearing a trenchcoat. I was positively terrified, the possibility of shrivelled old-man dick suddenly being shoved in my face seemed high. I mean come on, normal respectable folk don't wear trenchcoats. But luckily this was not some homeless old flasher, but one of the higher ups come to give me my new orders. So really, not a whole lot of difference. He had some kind of English accent I think, and he called himself Legacy. All these folks with the stupid pretentious names and I'm the one who's supposed be nuts, it's a fucked up world I tell ya.

Now backing up a bit, perhaps it would be a good idea for me to cover what happened in the time between the delivery of the Book and all the events I just described. It might be a good idea, but fuck if I can remember much. Lucifer already covered the basics of it, Madi tried to steal the Book while under the influence of the Wooden Girl and I knocked her out a window. What? There was a dumpster underneath and from what I understand she only ended up with a concussion and a broken arm. Nothing serious. After this little incident, I discovered more of the Wooden Bitch's flunkies were waiting outside the door when they suddenly rushed in and jumped me. I had grabbed the Book from Madi and still had it in hand when I opened a door to the Empty City to get away, maybe not an ideal plan since of course they were able to just follow me in. But fuck, whatever. So I'm runnin' through the streets of the Empty City with a homicidal puppet and her minions on my tail, with little chance to fight as I had regrettably left my gun back in the hotel. Eventually, I came to a door and... I don't know, I just felt drawn to it. So I went through this door and...

That's the last thing I recall until I woke up back in the hotel on Thursday with Master there telling me we needed to finish up business here and move on. And then we did the stuff that I already described above. In short, I have no idea what those weird messages I apparently left last week are about, so you can fucking not worry about it. Or do, since it would keep you distracted so you won't notice me sneaking up behind you with a hatchet. I like that plan better, let's go with that, what do you say?

So anyway, I met with Legacy. Legacy told me I was going after Lucy and Madi to retrieve the Book. Because I totally wasn't planning on doing that, I was gonna go get smashed at the local bar and probably get arrested. I mean it was something I was considering, but really, I wasn't actually gonna do it. He wasn't completely useless though, as he did have some information regarding what exactly the Book was, as well as a tiny bit of information some of his people had managed to dig up about Oblivion. I'll post that sometime later though, because frankly I'm getting bored of sitting here. And anyway I'm tired of listening to the old pervert telling me that we should be going because his people have managed find Lucy-boy staying in some town in the next state. Nebraska. I'm sure that's loads more fascinating than Wyoming, just loads. Then again, I guess it ain't exactly been quiet here, has it?

I shall do my best to get back and brighten up your day once again as soon as I possibly can. Until then, though, stay frosty.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

and this will fall away, this will fall away

They're gone. They're all gone.

Excellent, now I have just enough time to do this job right.

Boss and I are gonna finish this thing now. We're gonna finish it hard! Mwhahaha!!

Stay frosty, my chillins'! I shall return shortly.

don't hesitate, or you'll live in your own hell

riddle me this

if the black man's in the forest
and the black man has the book
when the devil writes his name inside
whence does the tall man look?

if the tall man kills the false priest
and the maiden plays with dolls
if the devil's hidden in the trees
where did the black man fall?

seven times they each must die
the devil was given a second chance by the angel in the suit
the black man was given the Book by the false priest
before the angel killed the Beast for good?
last of all was the maiden
the black man and the Book must decide her fate

too late it will be too late

a path along an empty city
lined with leaves of black
the suited man
the puppet girl
the man who feeds on death
there are the hunters that would kill them all
the servants in hiding whose master has died
and the omega shall usher the end

riddle me this
and above all

keep it frosty peeps

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Well, isn't this just fucking wonderful?

Ridley's dead apparently. I don't even know what the fuck happened. I was stuck in jail until Wednesday night when those idiots finally realized that they didn't have any reason to be keeping me there any longer. So then I decided I'd go kick Ridley's ass for real this time. When I got to the hotel though, thing were... well let's see. The Wooden Girl was there. That's one thing that was off. I don't claim to be an expert on such things, but it did seem as though she was pissed about something. I may have an idea as to what now.

Upon entering the room, two of Puppet Bitch's flunkies attacked me. I managed to take care of them, but the leading lady must've decided to vamoose while I was distracted. Ridley and Madi were nowhere to be found. Neither was that book that was apparently such a big deal. After searching around for a bit, it seems that I had just missed Madi... when the police had brought her in. From what I can gather, the Puppet Bitch just happened to be in town and started controlling Madi to fuck up the Tall Man's operations. Like when she shot the cop and brought all kinds of unwanted attention to herself. There have apparently been... other incidents which Ridley has kept quiet about. Which is very unusual...

It seems that Puppet Bitch took an interest in this book. Like every other goddamn thing in this town, apparently. She tried to have Madi steal it during the night, but Ridley woke up and caught her. Kicked her ass and pushed her out a window, apparently. Somebody found her and took her to the hospital, where of course she ended up being recognized as the cop-killer and was taken to the station after she recovered. Of course, I only found that out after I'd gone back and broke her out. Now they do kind of have a reason to come after me, unfortunately. So we got the hell out of town after that.

And that was basically it. I wasn't going to do anything with this stupid blog, because blogging is stupid. All of you, you're all stupid. Dumbasses. But earlier today we found a little present waiting for us when we broke into some house. That fucking book. Who knows how somebody even left it there for us, we just picked some random ass place to stop at. But it was indeed for us. They left a nice little note

"Hey Lucy, Madi,
Mind takin' this thing wit' y'alls for a while?
You won't say no. You a buncha pussies. Dance, I say, dance!"

Gee, wonder who that coulda been? Then Madi gets a text telling her to check the blog and we see what 'oblivion' wrote. Or, did whatever he does to post crap. Yeah. I hope Tall Man did get the asshole, he was annoying. And I was using the red text first, damn asshole plagiarizing my idea. As for Ridley... who the fuck knows? The guy's a huge dick, even moreso for sending this stupid book back to us. And I can't let the damn thing go for some reason. Something about this stupid thing seems to draw me to it. Might be why I attacked the courier bitch, I sure don't know what the hell I was thinking at the time.

This is annoying. I'm done now. There Ridley, if you're not dead, I fixed your blog up all nice for you. Now fuck off and don't ever make me do this dumb shit ever again.

all the children are insane

IT'S GONE WRONG! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? whatt he fuck happend?
 I  I DIDN'T THINK HE'D BE INVOLVED IN THIS... IT'S NOT MY FAULT, I COULDN'T HAVE KNOWN HER SERVANTS HAD BEEN WATCHING RIDLEY FOR WEEKS! NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE, IT WAS MADI, THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN WHAT TIPPED ME OFF. HOW THE FUCK COULD SHE HAVE GOTTEN TO HER THOUGH!? FUCK IT, FUCK IT ALL OH GOD

the killer awoke before dawn, HE put HIS boots; HE took a face from the ancient gallery; and HE walked on down the hall; HE went into the room where HIS sister lived, and... then HE; paid a visit to HIS brother, and then HE; HE walked on down the hall; and HE came to a door... and HE looked inside; Father, yes SON, I want to kill you; Mother... I want to... NjYgNzUgNjMgNmIgNzkgNmYgNzU=


WHY HAVE YOU COME FOR ME NOW, DARK ONE? I THOUGHT WE HAD AN UNDERSTANDING... IT ISN'T NOT MY FAULT THAT YOUR SERVANT HAS DIED I DIDN'T DO THIS IT WASN'T ME JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!

ANGELOFDEATHTHEBLACKKINGTALLPALEFACELESSGENTLEMANOPERATOR HE COMES FOR THE THE LOVE FO     GOD HE COMES!!
I'M NOT SURE WHICH SIDE RUNS THIS VILLAGE...

85 51 82 104 101 83 66 109 99 109 57 122 100 72 107 115 73 71 120 104 90 71 108 108 99 121 66 104 98 109 81 103 90 50 86 117 100 72 77 117 73 70 82 111 90 83 66 110 99 109 70 117 90 67 66 110 89 87 49 108 73 72 100 112 98 71 119 103 89 109 86 110 97 87 52 103 98 50 53 115 101 83 66 48 98 50 56 103 99 50 57 118 98 105 52 103 83 83 66 48 98 50 120 107 73 72 82 111 89 88 81 103 89 109 70 122 100 71 70 121 90 67 66 74 74 50 81 103 90 50 86 48 73 71 74 104 89 50 115 103 89 88 81 103 97 71 108 116 76 67 66 111 89 87 104 104 97 71 69 104 73 83 69 61

Monday, September 12, 2011

Just like the pied piper...

Ladies and gentlemen, I am... just... what the fuck?

I really don't know how to describe the events that have just taken place. Am I the only person here thinking rationally anymore? 'Cause if that's that's the case, we're all totally fucked.

That little delivery Oblivion was going on about? Well, it has arrived. And LORD, what it had to go through to get here. First of all, let's discuss Oblivion's chosen method for conveying said package to Wyoming from wherever the fuck he happens to be. Does he send it in the mail? With UPS? FEDEX? Naw, he decides to use those courier assholes who think a clever blog title is making a pun out of an Elvis song. And who does fatboy send, but the team doctor. Of course. As you can see, the situation could only get worse from this point.

And so it did. She was given instructions to deliver the package right to me. As if Oblivion actually though I was gonna pick it up. Man, I was watching some shitty movie on the hotel TV, I wasn't goin' to no fucking dropoff point to meet some doctor. But hey, it seems that if I wasn't gonna do it, there are plenty of people in this town who would be more than eager to get their hands on it. Well who the fuck would want to take something from a man who types like CAPTAIN NIPSALOT? I'm glad you asked, ladies and gentlemen, because it allows me introduce our first challenger. Guess who finally got his lazy ass back from Indiana. Took ya long enough. I mean what the hell, did you walk the whole way here?...

So what's the first thing our good ol' buddy Lucifer decides to do upon reaching his destination? After that bitch-fit he threw in his post, one might expect him to come straight for me and kick my ass, right? No, of course not. He decides to ambush Doc and try to steal the package. Why? Fuck if I know. I'll be sure to ask him as soon as... well, I'm getting ahead of myself here. So he jumps Doc, catching her off-guard and actually manages to abscond with the goods. At this point it perhaps becomes evident the wisdom of not entrusting such a delivery to the postal service. I mean, I could be wrong, but I don't think postmen typically react to mail-thieves by attacking them with a knife. And hypodermic needles. Lucy wasn't expected to have the tables turned, and after a brief struggle, he gets his ass knifed. And injected with shit. Oh, the lawlz!

That's quality TV right there.

If you will allow me to continue, you shall learn that this was not to be the only spot of trouble our intrepid courier would run into. Oh no. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to our second challenger. Re-introduce that is, as it's someone I'm sure you all remember well. He's loyal, determined, hunts Slenderproxies, and has all sorts of other undesirable traits. Yeah, it's that CRUSADER asshole that was following me before and who is the reason I ended up in Wyoming in the first place. He apparently was not lying about having tracked me down. Well, he made to the right town anyway. I still don't know the fucker's name, so I'm just gonna call him Douchebag. Sounds appropriate don't you all agree?

Douchebag goes for the Doc, but it seems that one ambush was enough for one day, 'cause she was able to dodge him this time. Not that he was gonna give up. "I AM CRUSADERDOUCHE! IT IS MY SACRED DUTY TO RID THE WORLD OF ALL SUITS AND THOSE WHO WORSHIP THEM!" I imagine he was yelling something like that during the fight. He did manage to shoot the Doc apparently, though I hear he got his shit fucked up pretty bad as well. Then who should return to the fray but Lucy, pumped full of so many tranquilizers that one wonders how he's even standing. But does that deter him? Seriously, didn't I just say he was returning to the fray? Open your damn ears and you might hear something, sheesh. Time for a sexy three-way it seems.

At this point, it's just amazing that this has gone on as long as it has, but it couldn't last forever. After that whole police shooting thing, they've been on high alert or something, so naturally somebody (eventually) noticed there were three lunatics trying to kill each other in the street. Honestly, that's just incompetence. A few cops surrounded them and started yelling and at this point my sources become blurry, but it seems Doc managed to slip away before they started shooting. Or maybe the crazy lady running off is what they started shooting at? I don't know. I imagine Douchebag managed to get away since I've not heard anything about that. What I have heard about is that Lucifer got his drugged-up ass thrown in jail. Who's the idiot now, huh, you little bitch?

Well, Doc continues onwards to the dropoff point, y'know, the place I was not at. Oh, but interesting twist: I was there and I was waiting for her to arrive. I don't know how that happened, because like I mentioned before, I was in the hotel enjoying me some Smokey and the Bandit. However I ended up at the dropoff, it made me miss the end of the movie, so I'm kinda pissed.

Okay, okay, let's wrap this thing up, eh? So I'm suddenly standing there all confused like, when Doc shows up lookin' like hell and shoves the package at me. Then she starts talking really fast, relating to me all the details about what happened on her way there. She actually had me interested, with the distant look in her eye, the blood dripping from her sleeve into a puddle on the ground. She kind of stuttered as she told her story and her face was all pale like the blood was all drained out of it. I'm not gonna lie, it was kinda hot.

So I was gonna offer to let her chill back at the pad so's she could recover a bit. After all, I am nothing if not a gentleman. But she cut me off saying something about how she needed to cut our meeting short (I think she'd been talking for about twenty minutes at that point) and that she had to run off. And well, she ran off. I was amazed she could even stand, let alone move that quickly.

And now ladies and gents, it is time for the unveiling. What was this incredibly important thing that was so important that I was moved outside and across town to retrieve it from the zombie of a deliverydoctor? It's a book. A fucking book. How is this supposed to help me? I don't know, I can't even read the damned thing. I'm pretty sure this isn't even a human language in here. This whole ordeal is retarded, I even considered apologizing to Doc for having to waste her time with this shit. Oblivion, we need to meet face to face. So I can hit your face. The fuck is wrong with you?

For that matter, what the fuck is wrong with everybody? I should go nab Lucifer from the jail. Eh, he can spend the night there, I'll get him tomorrow. Or whenever I feel like it. I think I might just go for a stroll through the park tomorrow. Maybe kidnap some people, I don't know. Depends on my mood.

Remain chillin' my peeps, I'll catch you all later. And hopefully the next time things are going apeshit, I shall be the one causing it.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run

I mean if that's alright with you Oblivion. Also,

How 'bout fuck yo damn package?

I don't care what you've done, you ain't told me shit about what any of this is about. Naw, you just keep showin' up and then weird shit happens. Hell, I ain't even actually seen you yet, so for all I know you haven't ever actually showed up anywhere and just cause weird shit to happen from a distance. Which, actually that'd be pretty damn cool, so hey, sweet if that's what you've got goin' on. But I ain't bein' your pawn. I already have a Chessmaster to control my every move and I'm sure He's much better dressed than you are.

So in short, whatever this little caper of yours is supposed to be, I want in on it. Or you can go bugger yourself.

Heh, bugger. British people use some funny words.

Now to all my peeps out there, stay frosty. And Dia, I'm glad you understand how much awesome I am. We gonna meet up, have some drinks sometime, right? Of course, you can expect me to pay. Makin' one of my fans buy the drinks would just be rude.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

OH, COME NOW...

RIDLEY, DEAR FELLOW, DO YOU STILL NOT TRUST ME? AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER? DID I NOT MEND YOUR SANITY FOR YOU? I MEAN, IF YOU'RE GOING TO CONTINUE TO ABUSE IT LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN DOING, THAT'S KIND OF YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE.

HOWEVER, I HAVE DECIDED TO HELP YOU OUT A BIT. AND BY EXTENSION,  I SHALL BE HELPING MYSELF. I HAVE ARRANGED FOR A DELIVERY TO BE MADE TO YOUR CURRENT LOCATION. IT SHOULD ARRIVE IN A FEW DAYS' TIME. OH, AND THERE MAY BE A LITTLE CHALLENGE FOR YOU BEFORE YOU CAN ACTUALLY GET THE PACKAGE. SO DO BE PREPARED. THIS IS IMPORTANT SO TRY NOT TO FUCK IT UP. IT'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR ME TO START OVER WITH A NEW PAWN. I AM ALSO ENJOYING THE MULTITUDE OF HEALTH BENEFITS THAT COME FROM HAVING YOUR MASTER LEAVE ME ALONE. PLEASE DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME.

SO LET'S REVIEW, I WANT TO MAKE SURE ALL OF THIS HAS GOTTEN THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL. ARRIVAL. OF PACKAGE. YOU WILL AWAIT. FIGHT. YOU WILL. TO SECURE THE PACKAGE. STUPIDITY. YOU WILL AVOID. AT ALL COSTS.

IS THAT SIMPLE ENOUGH FOR YOU?

BE SEEING YOU.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I found my friends; they're in my head

So I'm sure y'all have seen my last post already. If you haven't, shame on you for not keeping up with my blog! As if anything in your own life could possibly be more interesting than what's going on in mine! I mean that's why blogging was invented in the first place, so that all you dull, uninteresting people can read about those of us with better lives. So quit jerking off to reality TV and read about some real reality. Real reality, heh.

I digress. So I'm sure y'all have seen my last post already. I think I kinda went a little batshit fucking crazy. Because Madi not only shot a police officer, she SHOT A POLICE OFFICER WHILE STANDING IN FULL VIEW OF ABOUT A HALF-DOZEN OTHER POLICE OFFICERS. Did I make that clear enough? Oh, but wait. I didn't get to the best part yet. She also GOT PHOTOGRAPHED BY THE FUCKING NEWSPAPER. That's right, now everyone in town can know what the cop-murdering bitch looks like. And of course there was that other gruesome scene only a few days ago. What was that again? Something about some teenager being ripped open and dumped on some other teenager's front step? Eh, it'll come to me eventually.

Anyway yeah, they're connecting her to that as well. Which I guess isn't technically incorrect. She is connected to it. But I'm having a bit of a moral dilemma about the whole thing. I mean I'm not really comfortable letting someone else take the credit for my work. Then again, I'm not really comfortable with the idea of prison and uninvited man-sex, either. I'm havin' a real problem with this whole thing, homies.

Then there's the fact that she claims she doesn't remember doing it at all. According to her, she fell asleep back in the hotel while I was on stake-out duty and woke up outside, well I'll get to that. I'm actually kind of inclined to believe her. Besides the obvious fact that even I'm not that fucking retarded, there's the fact that she just disappeared right in front of them. Uh, sorry, did I forget to mention that too? Yeah, someone shot back at her and she ran off with a couple cops in pursuit. They wind up in an alley, Madi runs through a door, which she closes behind her; the police come right up, open the door and find- a vast empty warehouse. All huge and open, echo-y and shit, so nowhere she could of hidden herself. She was just gone.

Of course when I became aware of the situation (which was about right when it happened... 'cause like I said, I was on stake-out duty) I went off after her, careful to remain hidden using my mysterious methods for remaining unseen by muggles. About an hour later I found her asleep a little ways outside town, next to some old barn. She claims she only remembers being at the hotel and then me waking her up next a barn outside of town. It sounds to me like the Empty City, but she couldn't have used it on her own. She's not technically a servant of TallDarkSlender, so by all rights the City should just eat her if she was by herself. Which would imply that one of the other entities was involved. How about that 'OBLIVION' fella, he seems to be able to do some wicked shit. I'm awfully suspicious of the fucker.

And now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to fix this. Let the good times roll.

Oh hey, y'all see Entry #49? Fuck yeah! Kralie might look like a real pussy, but I always knew he was a total badass! Blood and brains being beaten out, that's what I like to see. And he always threw the best damn parties, too. Shame he hasn't been around lately. Probably off getting drunk at the Ark, the lucky bastard.

Stay frosty, y'all.

EDIT: My my, how absent minded of me, I almost forgot about this little number that was left in the comments:

"So, how are you doing Mr. Chapman? Taking care of yourself, I hope? I thought I'd stop by for a visit. You're always extending an invitation for people to come see you, after all. We really must catch up, mustn't we?"

From our Crusader friend. How lovely. Bet you think you're real cute, don't you? I don't even wanna know how you found out that name. I can think of a few ways you could've done it, and most of them mean Imma have to kill you.

Okay, you caught me, I was gonna kill you anyway, but now I might have to stretch it out so I can enjoy it longer. If you really are in town, you'd better keep extra frosty asshole.

Monday, September 5, 2011

By the time you hear the siren, it's already too late

Madi, you stupid stupid stupid bitch!

You killed the cop...

Why the fuck did you fucking kill the fucking cop!?!? They fucking know what you fucking look like now!! Fuck! Goddammit, you stupid whore, fucking right in front of the damned--- riaeworjhewoi roi894oap;asldfladsjifjdfsjfdlds
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!












This job just went all to hell real quick. Fuck. Master won't be pleased. Not at all.

Y'all stay frosty out there. Hell, man....