Monday, September 12, 2011

Just like the pied piper...

Ladies and gentlemen, I am... just... what the fuck?

I really don't know how to describe the events that have just taken place. Am I the only person here thinking rationally anymore? 'Cause if that's that's the case, we're all totally fucked.

That little delivery Oblivion was going on about? Well, it has arrived. And LORD, what it had to go through to get here. First of all, let's discuss Oblivion's chosen method for conveying said package to Wyoming from wherever the fuck he happens to be. Does he send it in the mail? With UPS? FEDEX? Naw, he decides to use those courier assholes who think a clever blog title is making a pun out of an Elvis song. And who does fatboy send, but the team doctor. Of course. As you can see, the situation could only get worse from this point.

And so it did. She was given instructions to deliver the package right to me. As if Oblivion actually though I was gonna pick it up. Man, I was watching some shitty movie on the hotel TV, I wasn't goin' to no fucking dropoff point to meet some doctor. But hey, it seems that if I wasn't gonna do it, there are plenty of people in this town who would be more than eager to get their hands on it. Well who the fuck would want to take something from a man who types like CAPTAIN NIPSALOT? I'm glad you asked, ladies and gentlemen, because it allows me introduce our first challenger. Guess who finally got his lazy ass back from Indiana. Took ya long enough. I mean what the hell, did you walk the whole way here?...

So what's the first thing our good ol' buddy Lucifer decides to do upon reaching his destination? After that bitch-fit he threw in his post, one might expect him to come straight for me and kick my ass, right? No, of course not. He decides to ambush Doc and try to steal the package. Why? Fuck if I know. I'll be sure to ask him as soon as... well, I'm getting ahead of myself here. So he jumps Doc, catching her off-guard and actually manages to abscond with the goods. At this point it perhaps becomes evident the wisdom of not entrusting such a delivery to the postal service. I mean, I could be wrong, but I don't think postmen typically react to mail-thieves by attacking them with a knife. And hypodermic needles. Lucy wasn't expected to have the tables turned, and after a brief struggle, he gets his ass knifed. And injected with shit. Oh, the lawlz!

That's quality TV right there.

If you will allow me to continue, you shall learn that this was not to be the only spot of trouble our intrepid courier would run into. Oh no. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to our second challenger. Re-introduce that is, as it's someone I'm sure you all remember well. He's loyal, determined, hunts Slenderproxies, and has all sorts of other undesirable traits. Yeah, it's that CRUSADER asshole that was following me before and who is the reason I ended up in Wyoming in the first place. He apparently was not lying about having tracked me down. Well, he made to the right town anyway. I still don't know the fucker's name, so I'm just gonna call him Douchebag. Sounds appropriate don't you all agree?

Douchebag goes for the Doc, but it seems that one ambush was enough for one day, 'cause she was able to dodge him this time. Not that he was gonna give up. "I AM CRUSADERDOUCHE! IT IS MY SACRED DUTY TO RID THE WORLD OF ALL SUITS AND THOSE WHO WORSHIP THEM!" I imagine he was yelling something like that during the fight. He did manage to shoot the Doc apparently, though I hear he got his shit fucked up pretty bad as well. Then who should return to the fray but Lucy, pumped full of so many tranquilizers that one wonders how he's even standing. But does that deter him? Seriously, didn't I just say he was returning to the fray? Open your damn ears and you might hear something, sheesh. Time for a sexy three-way it seems.

At this point, it's just amazing that this has gone on as long as it has, but it couldn't last forever. After that whole police shooting thing, they've been on high alert or something, so naturally somebody (eventually) noticed there were three lunatics trying to kill each other in the street. Honestly, that's just incompetence. A few cops surrounded them and started yelling and at this point my sources become blurry, but it seems Doc managed to slip away before they started shooting. Or maybe the crazy lady running off is what they started shooting at? I don't know. I imagine Douchebag managed to get away since I've not heard anything about that. What I have heard about is that Lucifer got his drugged-up ass thrown in jail. Who's the idiot now, huh, you little bitch?

Well, Doc continues onwards to the dropoff point, y'know, the place I was not at. Oh, but interesting twist: I was there and I was waiting for her to arrive. I don't know how that happened, because like I mentioned before, I was in the hotel enjoying me some Smokey and the Bandit. However I ended up at the dropoff, it made me miss the end of the movie, so I'm kinda pissed.

Okay, okay, let's wrap this thing up, eh? So I'm suddenly standing there all confused like, when Doc shows up lookin' like hell and shoves the package at me. Then she starts talking really fast, relating to me all the details about what happened on her way there. She actually had me interested, with the distant look in her eye, the blood dripping from her sleeve into a puddle on the ground. She kind of stuttered as she told her story and her face was all pale like the blood was all drained out of it. I'm not gonna lie, it was kinda hot.

So I was gonna offer to let her chill back at the pad so's she could recover a bit. After all, I am nothing if not a gentleman. But she cut me off saying something about how she needed to cut our meeting short (I think she'd been talking for about twenty minutes at that point) and that she had to run off. And well, she ran off. I was amazed she could even stand, let alone move that quickly.

And now ladies and gents, it is time for the unveiling. What was this incredibly important thing that was so important that I was moved outside and across town to retrieve it from the zombie of a deliverydoctor? It's a book. A fucking book. How is this supposed to help me? I don't know, I can't even read the damned thing. I'm pretty sure this isn't even a human language in here. This whole ordeal is retarded, I even considered apologizing to Doc for having to waste her time with this shit. Oblivion, we need to meet face to face. So I can hit your face. The fuck is wrong with you?

For that matter, what the fuck is wrong with everybody? I should go nab Lucifer from the jail. Eh, he can spend the night there, I'll get him tomorrow. Or whenever I feel like it. I think I might just go for a stroll through the park tomorrow. Maybe kidnap some people, I don't know. Depends on my mood.

Remain chillin' my peeps, I'll catch you all later. And hopefully the next time things are going apeshit, I shall be the one causing it.


  1. "It was kind of hot". Aw, glad you think so; Lay one hand on my courier and you're dead.

    That simple.

    Priest, you read this, right?
    You're damn lucky she's not dead.
    Very damn lucky.
    This could have been a great deal worse;
    For you, that is.
    We delivered your fucking package.
    You're welcome.
    Don't contact us again.


  2. Aw, c'mon bro, don't be that way.

    I'll be sure to kick Priest's ass for you, just as soon as I can find the bastard, k fatboy?

    Keep it frosty.

  3. ooh ridley, you 6hink you rewal funuyman don;t you? the bitch mightvre bpugh6 you a rreprieve, but let me assueer you it is only tempo6reary.. i shall come for 7 you and 9 shall; fucking destroy you and your madter and all the othr nonhuman hit in this town ND CRUSASER45 SHAal; be victorious