Tuesday, December 20, 2011

As our lives change, come whatever; We will still be friends forever

Tomorrow's a big day, folks.

That's right. The Solstice. Good times, good times. I wasn't on the blogosphere a year ago, but I've read through the archives. Some bitchin' tight stories they all wrote way back when, sexily entertaining. But all good things must end and so they did. All those assholes are dead now. More or less. But that's cool, 'cause now we have even more assholes than we did back then. There are even some sweet motherfuckers, like yours truly, here to liven this dismal place up a bit now. Back then we just had Reach, and you can't deny that that dude was a total killjoy. No fun at all.

We've had lots of fun since then though, haven't we? I got to be made into a chess piece in a game between four different eldritch abominations. I met a fine upstanding gentleman from the totally rational and well-funded group of paranormal investigators at CRUSADER. I got to work with psychotic fourteen year old assassins. Good times. And y'all remember Iscariot. Love that guy; he was a complete ass, but I love that guy. Don't have a damn clue about anything that happened back when I was with him, but fuck was it fun. I think his blog was much more interesting with me on it, but that's just whatever.

Slendy even managed to nab himself a cute little girlfriend, that sly dog. I always knew he was a player. But Fifi's a real nice girl, the Boss found himself a good one, that's for sure. I totes get to be the best man at the wedding. I hear it's scheduled for June 10, and all of you are invited. It'll be sweet.

Then there's Konaa. My bestest buddy in the whole wide world. I can't apologize enough, I should have been there. Should have had your back when that Rhode Island Redfucker came after you. I'm sorry. I should have been there for you, I should have stopped him. After everything we went through together... It shouldn't have ended like that. We survived the Alamo, Vietnam, that ICP concert. To be blown up in a warehouse like you're just some shitty extra in a Schwarzenegger film... I'm sorry, I need a minute...

Okay I'm good.

And don't worry Konaa, I broke the news to Arnie. He took it alright.

But there's so much else that's gone on. Sageboy came back, went nuts, slaughtered the innocent, got killed by a tree. You can't make this shit up folks.

Robbie died. Five times. Do elephants get nine lives like a cat?

Shaun-boy's back now! He's always been one of my favorites. I especially liked the time he broke his face trying to do parkour. Loser. But he's a vet now, you've got to give him points for that. But he gets even more points for being able to meet up with the ever-elusive M. Even the Boss has a hard time keeping up with him, so you sir, deserve a fucking... well, just a fucking, let's get the man a twenty dollar whore.

And Maduin. Beloved jester. The Boss was always thoroughly amused by your antics. Never before did any man have the audacity to dare prank the powerful and mighty Slender Man. You caught Him unawares, and He developed a great respect for you as a prankster. But He did get you back in the end. His nanna would be so proud if she could see Him now...

Sorry, I get off point. There are new sages now. I don't really like any them, they're all dicks. Especially Nick, flying around with his magic-shit, slaying unicorns and the bugs from Skull Island. And yet David Tennant manages to give you trouble. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either.

The PTC crashed and burned. And I never even got to find out what the fuck Father Paranoia was. Dic... actually no, they never solved the mystery, so they clearly aren't dicks. At least, not very good ones. But still, they were totes badass. And they always had the best toys. I would just absolutely love to get my hands on some lasers. Pew pew pew.

Elaine and the Fall of Hope. God, we are pretentious, aren't we? You can't even tell me you didn't know everything was gonna go south, you clearly picked that name just to be all dramatic and shit. Nevertheless, I believe we have a standing date to pick up a drink together. Forget the past and get drunk. That's the philosophy I tell other people to live by. They're much easier to pick off when they're drunk.

Return to S(l)ender!!! Address unknown!!! No such person. No such zone. Wait, I already made that joke, didn't I? Sorry, that's just in bad taste. Doc, you can't keep denying how you really feel about me forever. Wait, I already made that joke once too. So being serious for a moment: when exactly did you manage to steal my wallet. I seem to recall you could hardly stand, yet you manage to steal my wallet? Bitch. I know it was you, I had it on me before I met you and then it wasn't. Spencer, your people are thieves. And you are a gigantic donkey. Hee-haw, hee-haw! Steele, that offer's still good anytime you want to take it up. The rest of you... yeah, I don't really care, you all have enough issues to make me seem normal. That's honestly quite frightening.

There was also that douche that claimed he wrote Dreams in Darkness and tried to make a novel. And then Sparky killed him. Rather anticlimactic. Also, that reminds me, I still owe the Arsonist a cantaloupe.

Zeke Strahm is back. Has been back. Is still off... Zeke Strahming shit. What else can I say, you all follow his blog, don't even act like you don't.

Dammit, do you people have any idea how hard it is keeping shit a secret for a whole year? Of course I knew what Alex had done the whole time, Master let me in on the secret 'cause I'm a badass, but I didn't want to spoil the ending for you guys. Jegus did Jayjay ever take forever in watching those tapes. Of course, we had to let him watch through the tapes, 'cause where's the fun in just telling him what happened? He's a big boy after all, he should be able to solve his own eldritch stalker and cryptic bullshit problems. And remember kids, headbutting Cthulhu is never a sound tactical decision.

It might however be a half decent name for a rock band. With a trumpet player and a little plate with grapefruit for the VIPs to snack on backstage.

The HYBRIDs have been rather quiet lately. Master won't tell me what's going on with them. They're His 'special project.' Personally, I think He was just looking for ways to keep His sexy figure and got a bit too... what? People have already done that joke? Well fuck, what am I supposed to do now, that was my whole shtick. I guess I'll just have to make fun of Vinnie's bea-- oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me.

Well damn, a lot of shit's gone down in the last year. I can't possibly cover everything. But just lemme tell y'all it's been damn fun! To all of you who've had the pleasure of meeting me so far, I love you. And to everyone else, I look forward to becoming acquainted with you in the future.

Of course, I couldn't let such a momentous occasion pass without something big going down. And since we've already taken care of our case (I'll get to that later, it wasn't that interesting anyway) I figured I may as well engineer something entertaining. And since it will also serve to get me answers to some shit that happened months ago and none of you probably even care about anymore, well, double score. Seriously though, I have unfinished business to take care of, so I figured I may as well take care of it while taking advantage of the Solstice. We'll all come out of this with a good feeling about ourselves, I'm certain.

Stay frosty and stay tuned. I'll be back tomorrow with the official report.

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