I've been too long, I'm glad to be back

Greetings all.

You've missed me right? Tell me you've fucking missed me. 'Cause I've missed you guys, I really have. My frosty brothas, just hangin' up in this joint. And fuck have we had some good times, amiright?

Well, in truth, there's quite a few a ya'll that  I don't believe I recognize. Probably seen you around the blagosphere here and there, I'm sure, but fuck, nobody ever commented on this thing when I was around. Do you really like the other guy better? That makes a sad Ridley.

Of course, I haven't introduced myself to you yet. And I know he sure as fuck didn't. It's just fucking goof around and shoot things, all the fucking time with that bastard. I'm so ashamed of myself sometimes. Anyway, I'm Ridley, nice to meet you. For realz like. That other guy is Ridley too, but I'm the suave charming bastard, whereas he is the crazy psychotic bastard. I don't hold it against him though, I love myself as much as I love myself. You know how it is.

I just wanted to pop in to say a few things to ya'll. Firstly, this guy is back. You know him, you love him, you probably thought he was a gigantic douche. That's right, my old buddy Iscabibble Archy. Err, Coronado, as he calls himself now. He brought the crazy bitch as well, unfortunately. And the traitor bastard. But we finished him off right quickly we did.

Let me back up a bit. We was just sittin', chillin' mindin' our own business. When this guy in a big black coat and hood shows up, and I could tell he was up to no good. Didn't want him makin' trouble in my neighborhood. So I go over and start kickin' his ass. Or get Hazendorf to do it. He didn't do well. I figured I couldn't just let the bastard kill him, so I jumped in myself then. He revealed his identity then, as that asshat Sullivan who sold us all out to that retarded Redlight cult a few months back. So I stabbed in the face. Priest doesn't like the sovereign to be left alone, you know? He didn't take kindly to that gesture, and responded by attempting to break my nose, following up with a preemptive rebuttal to my abdomen with his foot. He then drew his own blade and stalked towards me ready to kill, all the time muttering about something stupid (I mean, I couldn't make it out, but what else would he be talking about?). Then his neck exploded. He collapsed to the ground, and I could see Archy and Death's Head standing some ways off, Head lowering her gun to shoot him again while he was down. And so she did. And Ed Sullivan was dead, and America mourned. The End.

The fuck am I talking about?

Archy's in pretty bad shape at the moment. We don't really know what exactly he's been doing for the last... half a year, and his new blog isn't giving us that many clues. Seems he was/is losing his mind. Bound to happen eventually, I s'pose.

Doc fucking just disappeared now. This shit's gone on long enough. It's time to figure out exactly just what the fuck has been going on all this time.

Stay frosty.

Tangled abstract fallacy; random turmoil builds in me

I'm not really completely sure what's going on.

So Doc thinks I'm slacking off. Or hiding shit. Whatever, he can just go fuck himself because fuck him.

Now y'see, what had happened was, we go down to Salieri's to, y'know, kick some ass, take some names, maybe steal the bossman's membership card to the country club. They stopped letting me in there when they found out the guy who was letting us in had died a couple weeks back. And my game has been suffering for it, I really need to get back on the green and practice. But that is neither here nor there, let us get back on topic.

But anyway, I'll try to make this quick, since some people apparently are lazy and can't be bothered to read all of the oh-so-long posts that I make. Since we already found out that Salli was able to pinpoint where we opened the Path, and his muggle security systems where top-notch, we decided to take a different approach. We called back Doc. None of us knows where the hell he gets his voodoo powers from, and we figured nobody else would either. So we thought it'd be safe to send him in.

While in the course of breaking and entering, Doc managed to track down just exactly the information we needed. What intelligence we had managed to gather seemed to indicate that Salli had been putting a lot of time into a secret little pet project; even moreso since that first disaster. So that was what Doc went to check out. And a good thing he did too. Upon cracking into the records for the project Doc was astonished to find information of a most compromising nature. For our side!

In those files was contained forbidden knowledge of the most vile and disgusting sort imaginable. There were methods for evading and escaping the Big Man, including ways to sense when He was around and ways to hide oneself from His vision. It even held descriptions of certain mystical items and weapons which could be used to harm Him. All manner of horrible and appalling things. It was thought that all such information had been destroyed not long after the initial reports about the Big Man were leaked onto the web. There was an incident early you see, where one of the bloggers stumbled onto the information from a previous hunted who had stolen it from one of those stupid cults. Luckily, neither of them had really known how to properly use the information and they were taken care of and the blog passed off as a failed ARG attempt. 'Cause that was how we rolled back then.

This sick and perverted knowledge was of course quickly destroyed for good. It did prove useful, however, in providing us with the information we needed to bypass Salli's bypassing of the perception filter, turn it back on him, break in, kill his guards, and get into his office. He was not so pleased to see us just barge in on him like that. Now, our goal from the beginning had been to kill Salli. That was after all why Jonas hired us. Or so we thought. However, there was still one piece missing. It seems that Salli had actually gotten his hands on one of those mystical weapons I mentioned above. We had to get our hands on that as well, naturally, and for this end Doc brought Madi back. He had been training her the ways of bullshit Nazi voodoo bullshit and felt it was time to give her a chance to test her skills.

And Archy kind of insisted we bring her. Because he just calls up and gives us random orders sometimes, whatever. Of course, something got fucked up, the twins ended up shooting Salieri before Doc could get the information he wanted, and Madi, along with two of my boys from the old squad, were killed by guards. We managed to get the artifact and get out, but Doc wasn't too happy about Glorianna trying to get rid of him like she did. But it wasn't all bad. We got back the weapon and destroyed it. And because I asked Him very nicely, Slendy Bendy killed Jonas for me. You don't need to know why, just because you love me.

All things considered, I'd say it wasn't nearly so bad as Doc made it out to be. Legacy didn't even turn up like we'd half-expected him to do, and another day without being chased by death is a good one in my Book.

Did that go on too long? Tough shit.

Hey. Been a while ya'll. Fingers crossed folks, I just might be able to get out for a spell if I can time this right. Keep it frosty peeps.

Do as you are told and maybe then we'll let you out

A day or two, I said. Or, y'know, maybe four. It's not like we're in China or anything, so four is good, right?

I must apologize, my peeps, I did not intend to be gone for such a period, but there was business to be taken care, y'know. Quite unavoidable. But then I didn't really expect those guys to be able to see through a perception filter. That's not the kind of thing you can just pick up on the street. Salieri must've paid an assload for 'em.

See, what had happened was, Jonas wanted us to take out his competition, a distinguised gentleman who goes by the name of Salieri. I'm not making this shit up, I swear that's actually his name. Salieri has been gettin' up in Jonas' business lately, and as you can imagine, the bossman was none too happy about that. A simple job really, used to handle this kind of shit all the time, maybe not folks in such a high position, but important people nonetheless.

We had a nice setup. Very simple. Have the twins shoot the bastard from the roof, use the Path to get out. Nice, quick, no problem. Of course unforeseen problems had to arise. Namely the fact that one of Salieri's bodyguards found our snipers the moment they arrived and security was on it soon enough. Which brings me to the point I brought up above. We had them filtered, just as a little extra precaution, but that didn't seem to bother security much. Well, most of the guards were confused and couldn't find their targets, but there were enough that apparently could see through the filter that we had to get out of there. Arpeggio got out fine through the Path, but Cadence got nabbed by security quick and Glorianna had to go in and pull him out.

Yeah cos, I'm gonna keep using your real name on here. What the fuck are you gonna do about it?

Oh, she also wasn't very happy that I called her back out here just to act as backup. I don't know what she's bitching about, she ended up getting to go in and fight shit anyway.

What's that? You say you don't think that what I described could've possibly filled four whole days? Well fuck you, that's the story you're gettin', you spoiled little asshole. And I'm not gonna tell you my secret now. 'Cause it's fucking awesome and amazing and it makes me look like the baddest motherfucker on earth. And I'm fucking clever too. That's right, I figured shit out. But you don't get to know about that now, you've pissed me off. So you're just gonna have to wait until we finish this shit for realz now and maybe then I might just tell y'all about what went down. Maybe, maybe not. You'll just have to wait and see.

Stay frosty, hosers. We're always watching.

When your fears subside, and shadows still remain

Sorry about that y'all. Roulette's a bit of a motherfucker. What am I saying, he's a huge motherfucker. I can't apologize enough for leaving my blog in the hands of that douchebag. My hand has healed up nicely so I am once again able to be the one to keep y'all updated on all the awesome shit that's been goin' down around here. Fuck Roulette for breaking my hand too. I don't recall if he mentioned that to y'all, but it's true that he did. Fuckwhore.

So anyway, he did mention to y'all that we've got our own stalker here, nice distinguished older gentleman that we've seen hangin' around outside the place here and there. Before that we had a number of different folks who we'd see for maybe a day or so, and we'd never see the same person more than once or twice. None of them would ever get too close though, and if anyone tried to go out and start some shit with 'em they'd just up and disappear.

That does not seem to be the case any longer, however. Might have something to with the fact that Legacy's missing. A couple days ago he left to go take care of some business elsewhere, and we just haven't heard from him since. Well yesterday, our stalker buddy shows up again, but this time he's chillin' literally on our doorstep. Death's Head behaved in a less than hospitable manner towards this, said she was tired of seein' the fucker, and she was gonna put a stop to this shit. She goes outside with her big fucking knife and just starts filling the guy full a holes. Now most of us aren't crazy enough to get in her way when she starts gettin' all nuts, but Roulette seems to think he's the team leader or something while Legacy's gone, and he's either got some serious balls or I just gave him too much credit presenting him as the sane man around here. Because as soon as he found out what was going on, he heads out to try and stop her.

It didn't turn out too well. He tried to tranquilize her, but she only turned around and nearly took his bitch head off. Then the old man, somehow not dead, grabs her and tosses her through the window. Well, he tried to anyway, his arm kinda fell off and dropped her in the window. That was a bloody fucking mess. Roulette gets up and then goes back down, the old guy punched him back and he fell down the stairs, knocks his stupid head on the concrete and goes out like a light.

Well that just left me and old No-Name hangin' around, watchin' the action throug the broken window. He looks in at us and I see that his face is pretty fucked up. All scarred and shit, wrinkled and lookin' like some strips of flesh is missin'. He grins at us, revealing that most of his teeth are gone and the ones that ain't are black and rotten, just like his gums. He laughs, then walks out of view and we see the front door close. I walk over and check it out, and the fucker's just gone.

While I was busy contemplating about what kind of crazy fuck shows up looking like death, knocks out our dudes and then is nice enough to close the door before he goes, we hear some gunshots coming from the inner rooms. We go in, check that shit out, find Hansel and Gretel and a whole shit-ton of bullet holes all around. They was guarding the Book, which I check up on and see that all seems to be in order. Apparently the old guy walked in through the closet and... actually, they couldn't really agree on what happened after that. Cadence says he lunged at them and they just shot at him, but somehow the bullets were just missing him. And then he sliced both their heads off. Arpeggio says he just strolled in, the lights went out and then she was gettin' impaled on her own gun like she was the sheriff's daughter and Michael Myers came to call

Obviously neither of these can be correct, what with them both being not dead.

Or at least, we don't think so. We seem to have deduced the identity of our mysterious stalker. The Dying Gentleman. Like the Boss, only without a body, so he possesses folks. And then they die and shit. So not really like the Boss all that much really. It makes sense now why we kept seeing different people around, he kept using up his hosts. Though we're not sure why he was using this most recent one for so long, it seems he pretty well used that one all up. The disappearing act he kept pulling was just hopping through the City. That at least might've been obvious. It would've also seemed obvious that he was comin' for the Book, except that he had the damn thing right in his sight and decided not to grab it. We're... not altogether sure what to make of that.

There are new pages in the A̺̱͑̈́̃͂̂́r̵̯̠̮͙͎̯̗͑͊͒͐̂́͝ͅc͗ͣ̌͐ͯ̑ͥ̀ͧ͏͏̞̠̬̩h̴̤ͪͣͩͣ͘͞i̢̡̲̬͙̝͓̲̥̓ͫͅv̶̵̡͖͔̰͉ͬ̉ͭ̈́ȩ̮͕̯̽ͪ̐ now. Things I can actually read without whatever supernatural shit is in that thing getting all up inside my head. Not that it would matter, but it doesn't match with anything I read in it before. Der Ritter. The Guardians of the Bloody Prophet. 666. The Scarlet Knights. The Dying Man. The Beast. Exit Light. Black Leaves. The Aperture.
Roulette broke the fucking thing, I'm having trouble holding it together now. It only works so long as I can't remember. She's trying to break it down too. The Wooden Bitch. I've seen what she's sending through the TV. Couldn't get at us in person with the Master showing up every time she tries shit.
Legacy's a doomed man. He stayed with the delusion right up until the end, couldn't understand why his body wouldn't fit back together after the Red Man cut him in half. Maybe he was just a bit more gone than normal though, lying there in a puddle of his own blood as the darkness slowly came and devoured him. The twins fared somewhat better at least. Cadence never even got to see what took him out when one of the puppets came from behind and chopped off the top of his head. Arpeggio was with Madi at the very end; somehow they'd managed to crawl out of the explosion, but then the crows came and picked off what was left of their flesh. The Master stood by and watched as they expired. He didn't think much of the Scarlet Specter's devotion to her messiah, so he repaid her for the death of his minions with the death of hers.
A hundred corpses filled the town by the time it was all over. Bodies rendered limb from limb, bleeding and burnt, a last look of terror stuck on their fucking traitorous faces. I could hear their screams echo from out of hell. The streets ran red with blood.
Fuck, did I actually just say that?
No-Name received such a terribly dull end. A stray bullet caught him in the back and pierced his heart. Kind of ironic I suppose, since he'd been invested in carving out the heart of the Black Knight's accomplice when it hit. Roulette had been facing the Black Knight, but he really should've learned how to fight. Poison doesn't do so well against a gun. Or maybe it was that gaping hole that his intestines were hanging out of. That could've been what did him in. Sullivan... well he just got fucked in the end.
Is that how it went? Maybe I only read them in my head after all.
I should stop.

So that's been our week. How 'bout the rest of y'all, how are you fuckers? Keepin' it frosty I hope.

I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run

I mean if that's alright with you Oblivion. Also,

How 'bout fuck yo damn package?

I don't care what you've done, you ain't told me shit about what any of this is about. Naw, you just keep showin' up and then weird shit happens. Hell, I ain't even actually seen you yet, so for all I know you haven't ever actually showed up anywhere and just cause weird shit to happen from a distance. Which, actually that'd be pretty damn cool, so hey, sweet if that's what you've got goin' on. But I ain't bein' your pawn. I already have a Chessmaster to control my every move and I'm sure He's much better dressed than you are.

So in short, whatever this little caper of yours is supposed to be, I want in on it. Or you can go bugger yourself.

Heh, bugger. British people use some funny words.

Now to all my peeps out there, stay frosty. And Dia, I'm glad you understand how much awesome I am. We gonna meet up, have some drinks sometime, right? Of course, you can expect me to pay. Makin' one of my fans buy the drinks would just be rude.

Who the fuck is Rhodes?

So maybe it wasn't all that smart to just follow the advice of some random proxy I ain't never met before, even if it was to stop Konie-dawg from retrieving Zero's sword. 'Cause, y'know, I'm much cooler and more deserving of having a sword. Well, even so, I did attempt to not fall into the realms of dumbassery again, but it seems fate has other ideas.

Y'all probably wonderin' what the hell I'm goin' on about now, ain't ya? So, what happens is, I get a message from some proxy calling himself Rhodes, says that Konaa's managed to track down where Zero's sword ended up and is heading to go get it. He says he needs me to go and stop him, and then doesn't really explain why exactly or what the hell is going on. Well, I don't know what the hell was going on, but I wasn't about to let that twat get that sword. So it was off to Indiana! Wonderful. I open up the good ol' Path of Black Leaves and stroll on through, and soon enough there I am in Indian-Land-City, though I can't say as I saw too many Indians there. Must've headed back to India.

Anyhow, Rhodes had given me directions to that forest outside the city where the sword was and so it was to there I made my journey. Eventually I found the damn forest and after a bit of wandering around I stumbled upon my dear friend Konie-dawg with the sword. I made my presence known by requesting that he hand the sacred blade over to more capable hands, which he of course refused with a side of 'God dammit, how the fuck are you here? Fuckfuckfuck, fuckity fuck fuck fuck.' Then he just kind of went on swearing for a little bit, that fucking pottymouthed little twatbastard. After a while I had to interrupt him 'Yo Konie-dawg, ease off huh? Don't make me have to wash yo mouth out with bleach.' Then he just kind of stared at me like a dumbass so I made a move for the sword and he moved out of the way, so I took out my knife. Then the cops showed up.

Yeah, there were police. And you wanna know who fucking called the police? Well, so would I. Wasn't the little bitch anyway, cause they yelled something about arresting both of us. For drug trafficking, WTF? Oh but wait. It gets even better. Then these other dudes wearing trenchcoats and masks showed up. And start shooting at me and Konaa, which of course gets the cops to start shooting at them and suddenly we're stuck in the middle with bullets flying all around. In other circumstances, I might have found that enjoyable, but Konie-bitch was high-tailing it out of there with my sword. I had managed to jump out of the way but some of those gun-happy bastards were following me and my old pal had run off in the opposite direction. So much for the sword, dammit. Well, I was stuck with more pressing matters at the time, like police, gun-happy trenchcoat/mask-wearing weirdos, and what appeared to be the ghost of Marie Antoinette.

Hoping to keep my skin intact for many more days of fun, I retreated from the shootout. One of those weird trenchcoat dudes came after me and I promptly said hello with my gun. Sonabitch was quick, but eventually I got him in the knee when he stopped. 'Course if I had been paying attention to WHY he had stopped... yeah, that might have been a good idea. I SAW DEAD PEOPLE! No, but seriously, I SAW DEAD PEOPLE! IN SUITS! Rubbery, dried-out looking, old farts in business suits, trying to steal Master's fashion statements I think, waddling through the trees towards us. Now if I had indeed realized that 'hey, crazy mofo chasing me through woods suddenly stops, something up must be' then I might not have ran right into them. Instinctively, I shot one of them in the face. Unfortunately, that was my last bullet, but luckily I always have my knife with me, so I stabbed one in the heart and made a swift slash into another one's neck, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE!

They were upon me and once I was in their clutches they began to drain my life force leaving me as a dried-out empty old husk. Or something, I don't really know, but it felt nasty so I stabbed and shit and eventually managed to fight my way out and continue running aimlessly through the forest. There were weird sounds and some psychedelic lookin' lights that tried to tempt ol' Uncle Riddles into recreational drug use, but never fear! I perservered and made it through the jungle! Well, actually I blacked out somewhere along the line and then woke up back in the city. So in short, what. the. fuck. was all that?

It's Rhodes' fault, apparently. I suspected as much, Konaa's too dumb to stage something like that. Weird trenchcoat people are apparently some kind of... secret organization. How trite. Fucktards. And in possibly unrelated matters, I am now stuck in Indianapolis. I appear to be unable to access the Path now. So I'll be waiting for Lucifer to come pick me up (I called Archy but he's busy with I don't even fucking know anymore). Until he arrives, I figure I may as well have some fun being in an actual city again, since my little trip to Boston was all filled up with business matters. Mostly. I'm sure y'all remember how that turned out right?

It was fucking awesome!

Anyways, I'm gonna be chillin' I guess, do whatever it is people do in Indianapolis. I wouldn't know, but I guess I'll figure it out.

Stay frosty, my peeps, Uncle Ridley is always watching.

Awwwww man!

So, as some peoples may have seen, Konie-dawg was here in Maine. Of course, I couldn't just let such an opportunity slip by unnoticed, I simply HAD to go and say hi to my old buddy. But y'know, he was stayin' with Fifi and I don't think Archy would be happy with me just going over there and startin' shit. Plus, y'know, I still haven't gotten the Princess a present, and it would be rude to go start shit in her house without even giving a gift first. So I hads to wait. Which, y'know, sucked.

But oh happy day, it seems Konie-dawg ain't nearly so thickheaded as I thought, y'all know he wanted to find the Ark, well he actually managed to do it too. If only Jayjay were so lucky, but that nut with the trippy Youtube channel simply won't give the poor guy a break. Sad really. Anyways, there I am, chillin' with my homies, when suddenly here comes Konie-dawg and the Princess.

Clearly, thought I, ol' Tall Dark and Slender must've delivered me this moment Himself. Who would I be to waste such a gift? An ungrateful servant, that's who, and I was not about to be any such thing. They're comin' over and I call out to them all like, "Hey Konaa, how's it hangin' dawg?" Well that little bitch looks at me and he just looks pissed as hell, like he's not even glad to see his old pal Ridley. I was very hurt, let me tell you.

So then I'm just like "Yo dawg, what's got itself stuck up yo ass? It's been a while y'know, ain't you gonna say hey to your oldest and dearest friend?" He gets real mean at this point and says I am in fact NOT his oldest and dearest friend. Right through the heart, that one was. So then I'm all like "Bro, how can you say that? Don't you remember when I saved your life in Mexico? Or was that Germany? What about that time we snuck up on George W. and pantsed him? Surely you haven't forgotten that? How we all laughed over coffee in the Oval Office afterwards while you posted pics of his ass to the interweb? C'mon bro, don't do this to me!"

Well, at that point it became quite clear that my old buddy simply was not going to remember, so I thought I'd do him a solid and beat some sense back into him. I seemed to recall needing to pay him back for a dislocated shoulder he gave me in Boston. Y'all remember that, when I beat the living shit out of him and he turned and ran like a little pussy to hide in some warehouse. Followed by the total dick move of shoving a crate down on top of me. Remember? Course y'all do. I know I do. But anyhow, I walk over to 'em and I lay it down for Kones: I'm gonna pound the hell out of him, he's gonna take it, with a smile on his face. So maybe I might possibly scare the Princess, but that nothing I can't have Archy deal with later, right? Of course, let's kick some ass!

Well there I was, all set to get started on my gruesome task, when who should happen to appear but the 'ol Blackety White King Hisself, dressed for business as per usual. And I'm all like "Hey Master, be wit' you in jus' one mo', I gotta rough this fuck up first." But apparently He didn't like that idea. Because I start hearin' Him inside my head then. And He's all like "Ridley! Stop it! You're a dumbass! Your life is worthless and I shall soon devour your mortal soul! Burn! Burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn and die burn anddieandburnanddieandubrnandieburnandand
burnanduburnanbudieandburnandburnandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieburnanddie
burnanddieburnandieandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieandburnanddieandandandand
and over and over and over and forever im sorry master iwont never do it again i swear please dont hurt me agina masert i love you master i love doing your work i wont hurt the fools no more i swear master please no more master no more dont burn me dont throw me into the fiery abyss of flames and agony dont lock me in the closet again again master ill be a good boy and buy more peanut butter the next time i clena out the pnarty

And I swear, this went on for days, but in fact it was only like ten seconds and I looked up and the Master is staring into my soul, y'know like He does. And my boys are there, just rolling with laughter. I shot Kratz in the head and the rest of them shut up. Well, I looked back and there was the Master, still lookin' at me, and I could see He wasn't much happy 'bout the situation, as it were, and He reaches out one of His long arms and grabs me by the face and everything goes black and well, I don't know what the hell happened. I just woke up back in my room and naturally the first thing I did was to log on here and write all that out. Or maybe not. Oooh, mysterious, isn't it?

But dammit, Master, he was right there! I wasn't gonna hurt him. All that much. I was at least gonna let him get away so's I could come after him again, at least one more time. Cause three, y'know, three's a good number. Man, I swear and now Konie's on a train back to Boston and I'm stuck here until I don't fucking know. They're taking away my freedom peeps! Treating me like I'm their  dog or something and they can just tell me what to do!

Well, technically I guess they can. I'm sorry Master, please forgive my insubordination. And don't send me back to the Dark Place, please Master, please don't do it. I'll pay for the honeymoon once you and the Princess actually get hitched! Or y'know, at least point out a decent spot for ya or something.

Eh, whatever. Now I have to find something to amuse myself with. Hmm, The Master and His Princess... hmmm... TO THE FANFIC PAGES!!!!!!1111!!!1!1!!!!111

Later y'all. Stay frosty.