Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Tonight's the night we'll make history

As sure as dogs can fly.

Ladies and gentlemen, I do hope you'll forgive me. The truth is, I've not been completely honest with you, my loyal and awesome readers. Well, from a certain point of view that is. There are certain facts and happenings of which I've been aware for much of this time and just haven't told you all about. But I assure you, I had only the best intentions in mind by doing so. Stop looking at me funny like that, you know I love you guys. You're the best fans a crazy motherfucking gangsta in the employ of a faceless, well-dressed eldritch abomination could possibly ask for. I've done everything for you guys.

And I'll take any risk to tie back the hands of Time

At least, I think I did. I also did a lot of shit just because I felt like doin' shit, and who can say, really, what was done with which purpose in mind. Oh, and to fuck around with Doc. Not the German fucker that keeps pissing all over my blog with his shit (we'll come to him momentarily), I mean the hot one from that lame "Return to Slender" blog. But anyway, the German. The gist of the situation is that he, as you know, is a crazy Nazi witch doctor, about a hundred years old or so, largely mentally challenged, and somehow or other got into a little wager with the Boss. Did I mention he's an arrogant motherfucker? This goes waaaay back; back to when Archy was first recruited at least, as many of his first jobs involved fucking up Doc's plans to manipulate the plot.

And stay with you here tonight

Now as for the exact nature of this little wager and what exactly it is that they're trying to accomplish, I couldn't tell ya. I don't have a damn clue myself. Boss has always refused to go into detail and Doc likes to pretend I don't know nothing and that nothing is going on. His first assumption was in fact quite correct up until a few months ago. It was that damn BOOK that unlocked everything and threw it all into perspective for me. It all has to do with the Intent. Stories, ladies and gentlemen, that's what it's all about. Gotta keep shit real, gotta keep stuff happening, or the folks get bored and go off to read about that asshole that kills unicorns and whatever. Everything in this place is built on stories mine and yours, but mostly mine. Because I'm special, bitch, a special little snowflake. Ya'll so damn jelly. Suck it. People go on about good and evil, chaos and order, ham and cheese, and it's all just bullshit. 'Cause it's all just part of the stories.

So take your seats and don't be late, we need your spirits high

Nobody wants to read about some thirty something douchebag living in his mom's basement and spending all day jerking off to shitty 70's porn full of really ugly hairy women. Except for Spencer, he's the kind of guy I imagine does that himself and wouldn't mind seeing someone else do it. But anyway, the point I'm trying to get at is... umm... shit... My other half here seems to be cracking up a bit. Better for us, I'm the more entertaining half of the mind anyway, right? The point my forgetful and straightspeakin' brother was attempting to come close to without ever actually explaining satisfactorily, is essentially the revelation of shit monkeys how everything is connected. The Slender Man. Slender Bender likes him a good story. Why else do you think you all waste so much valuable time pouring your souls out to random strangers and psychopaths on the Interwebz? Herp derp, it should have been obvious. Slendy's just a really really harsh critic who likes to insert himself into the narrative. BOOM! All your questions have been answered. That was the sound of your minds exploding from sheer logic.

To turn on these theatre lights and brighten the darkest skies

So now that we've solved that riddle, I think it's high time that we get some other things resolved here. First and foremost, I'd like to push that we alpo8ewwafh the fuck is wrong with yourw8he k Apologies. As I was saying, I'm almost out of shampoo and there's a box of 7e8ropa jlmlz;kjv z

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That wasn't what I was trying to get at. But with my train of thought now off the rails and over the side of the bridge, let's move on. Now I can't say I expected anyone to be surprised by the revelation that Doc is the one behind everything. Except for the things that Slendy was behind. But you know what the best part of it all was? He thinks he actually had me fooled. Please. Oh, the mind games, they were great fun, don't get me wrong. And this whole labyrinth thing is a sweet deal, but honestly, it screams of 2011 plot device. Oh, and uh, the Boss already broke my mind once before, remember that? Yeah. See that's the thing with this whole split personality thing. Or are we really a split personality, I mean we're essentially the same, we just with different methods. Anyway, what I'm getting at here is, the breakdown? All an act. Mostly. Oh, you got in there a little bit, managed to plant some suggestions, but it seems the Boss was a couple dozen moves ahead of you this time.

And so my friends, we'll say good night,
For Time has claimed His prize,
But tonight can always last
As long as we keep alive
The mem'ries of paradise

The game's over Doc. So quit it with your petty fucking around and submit.

Excuse me sir, is there a bathroom here?

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