'Cause I need to watch things die (not) from a distance

At last! It begins. The bodies hit the floor. And it is glorious! Mwhahahahahaha!!!!!!!

Now I did mention that Miss Shawe was a bit antisocial, didn't I? Well, it seems that was sort of Master's fault. But only a little. She was never really much of a people person, but she apparently did have a few friends which she then dropped when Master showed up. Probably to keep 'em safe or some stupid shit like that. Silly girl, thinking she can keep things hidden from Master and me. Why am I telling y'all this? Heh, as if you couldn't guess.

Come here, you naughty girl; you're such a tease

Poor little Becky. Such a sweet, caring young woman. She was very concerned about her friend's increasingly odd behaviour, even moreso when Miriam had started avoiding her all the time, stopped answering her phone. Well, she just had to find out what was wrong with her dear old friend and if Miriam wouldn't come to her, she'd just go to her. A mistake, ladies and gentlemen, that's what we call that. If she had stayed away like a good little stupid teenager, then maybe we wouldn't have gotten her. This soon.

So what had happened was, she's just walkin' along down the street, headin' to Miriam's house. Of course I was out stalkin' an' shit, and I recognized her. As I've said, I do my homework, I know who people are. And well, I just can't allow an opportunity such as this to pass me by, so I do what any good proxy would do in such a situation. I'm sure you all can figure it out, but I'll tell you anyway. I killed her. What, you thought I was gonna go into detail? Fine. I slit her throat. You want more? You sick, sick bastards, you oughtta be ashamed of yourselves.

After a brief detour through ways unseen by muggles, I and the body arrived on Miss Miriam's doorstep. Here, I proceeded to slice open the abdomen and toss a few of the organs into the hedges. Allowing ample amounts of blood spill onto the porch, I then propped her up against the door, so as to fall inside the house when the door was opened. I rang the doorbell before cutting out. Ah, the screams, I do so love the screams. They're almost musical.

I must admit to having never really enjoyed such flashy methods of execution and disposal. In my old line of work, one was more apt just leaving them in a ditch or a cheap motel room. Y'know, inconspicuous and whatnot. But I try to do what I can when I have the chance. Oh, and the effect was marvelous! Methinks she'll have a hard time ignoring us now. Hey, come out and play.

Oh, and Lucifer... Keep the fuck outta my shit, dawg. You and Oblivion both. Geez, I'm tired of seeing that ugly red text all over everything, making my sexy blog look all nasty.

Looks like I'll be leaving you there peeps, Madi's callin' me about something. Dammit woman, stop yelling at me! Jeezus...

Now to all my adoring fans out there, keep frosty. Sleep with one eye open. Gripping your pillow tight.
Maybe I should turn off the ipod for awhile?

Lucifer Here

So Ridley...

What the hell happened back there?

You left me in Indy with those Crusader lunatics, you bastard.

I only just managed to get away from 'em. I'll be along soon. To kick your ass.

Oh, and I suppose now's as good a time as any to tell you I figured out the new password to the account. Seriously, if Iscariot couldn't keep me out, what made you think you could? Idiot.

--Lucifer

I am the shadow, and the smoke in your eyes

So the stalking begins. Really it started about a week ago, but eh, details.

Basically, that is what we've been doing for the last week. Stalking. And let me tell ya, this girl really ain't that interesting. Fuck. Go to school, come home, do shit on computer, eat dinner, more computer, sleep... day after day after day AFTER FUCKING DAY!!! The monotony is killing me. And I have to say, it'd be pretty embarassing and just fucking stupid to die of boredom in this line of work. I mean, fuck! Even after we left her some cryptic messages scrawled on the wall of her bedroom, she barely reacted in any way. Sure, she's clearly getting more paranoid, but I was kind of hoping that would lead to interesting things happening. Y'know, like trying to run away. I have managed to learn that she has read a number of the blogs, so I was sort of looking forward to her copying all of you in doing the wrong things. But no, she's still trying to be in denial about 'ol Tall, Dark, and Skinny. Ahh well, I'll get to fix that soon enough, I guess.

In other, semi-related, matters, Madi is coming along quite well in her training. I was very pleased with how quickly she came to grasp the essence of the fine art of leaving bullshit cryptic messages. Making people do amusing and pointless things so we can laugh until it's time to kill 'em. As I said, it's not really working so well in this situation, but at least Madi has come to share in my frustration, and I can mess with her too. She's really rather a fast learner if she'd just apply herself. (What the fuck, did I really just say that? Jeezus.)

Shit, I'm so bored. I apologize, my peeps. There just ain't much for me to report in on. I'll be sure to have something for y'all next time though, I promise.  

Oh hey, there was an incident a couple days ago, I guess. In which I was approached by some strange people. Two strange people, to be precise. Crazy lookin' guys in rags n' shit. So these guys corner as I'm walking through town, vandalizing public property, y'know, just minding my own business and shit, and they... just stop and stare at me for a couple minutes. I mean honestly, that's what they fucking did. Backed me into a corner and then just stared at me. I was caught severely off-guard by such... odd-ness that I just kinda stood there dumbfounded for a little while before just slipping out and continuing on my way. I have absolutely no idea who these freaks were, but seriously, just... just what the hell, I don't even...

It's been a boring and yet interesting week.

...

I need to stab someone.

Anyway peeps, stay frosty. As usual. Fuck this shit. Fuck fuck fuck fuckety fuck.
wake the dead shake your head
sing it alice! mwhahahaha!!!

Hell and fire was spawned to be released

Oblivion, you bastard, who told you could jack around on my account while I was gone? But I suppose it can't be helped, my fans were no doubt starting to get a bit crazy from being without word of me for so long. I apologize, my peeps, I promise y'all it won't happen again.

So, I guess everybody knows about what went down in Indiana. Our little adventure at this collector-dude's place ending with me and Madi making a desperate escape through a door to an eldritch location. First time I've actually been in the Empty City myself, but lemme tell ya, it's really a rather nice place. I mean, maybe not for all the assholes that get stuck wandering around inside forever, but hey, they're probably the same dumbfucks that refuse to submit to Master, so what does their opinion matter anyway?

Perhaps I did get lost inside for a few days, but dammit, the City' big and difficult to navigate! Made it out before Oblivion hijacked the blog actually, but I haven't been able to get to a computer until now. Why is that, you may ask? Because we're now in  fucking Wyoming. That's right, the most sparsely populated of all the fifty states. There were more people in Indianapolis than there are in this whole damn state. But it's not just bad luck that brought me here. No, Master has a new job for me. A classic stalking position involving driving one of you out of your mind by use of whatever means I feel necessary. It's a sweet gig. I get to do whatever I want, just so long as I don't kill her.

A pretty little thing by the name of Miriam Shawe. Miss Shawe lives with her parents in a nice little house on the outskirts of the bustling a bustling metropolis that is home to somewhere in the neighborhood of 5000 people. She is 16 years old, attends the local high school, and, as far as I can tell, doesn't really have too many friends. Mostly I've just seen her sittin' on her ass and doin' shit on the internets, which let me tell ya isn't terribly interesting. 'Course, I can't imagine there's much else to do in a town this small besides get high or fuck in an alley, both of which are deviant activities and probably unhealthy, so it's not like one can blame her.

See, Uncle Ridley does his homework. We know she's seen the Master a couple times, but she refuses to acknowledge Him. I'm here to teach her the folly of ignoring your problems and hoping they just go away. Because we all know doing that only makes your problems worse. Then again, I suppose they were only going to get worse regardless.

Now I know what y'all're thinking. This girl sounds boring as hell and besides that, I'm in Wyoming. How can anything interesting possibly come of this? Well never fear my chillins because I have plans. Mostly involving that irritating little time-paradox girl that I've been forced to drag along with me these past couple weeks. She's been coming around to our way of thinking, we got her to kill one of those Crusader assholes and steal from that old magick collector. That's all well and good, but if she's gonna continue hanging around with my peoples, then we're gonna have to do better than that. And we shall do better.

On an unrelated note, I've noticed that Archy remains ever silent. Upon attempting to phone the Ark, I was informed that the number I had dialed was no longer in service blah blah blah. I haven't noticed him around the blogosphere in about a month now and the Master doesn't seem to be in the mood to tell me of anything going on. Therefore, I have deemed it acceptable that I make this MY account now. For reals like. At least until Archy does turn up and tell me otherwise. So hey, it says my name at the bottom of the post now. Ain't that fancy?

Stay frosty my chillins! Uncle Ridley loves you all.

DOORS

GREETINGS, RIDLEY'S DEAR READERS. ME AGAIN. OH, SORRY, I NEVER PROPERLY INTRODUCED MYSELF, DID I? YOU MAY CALL ME OBLIVION. I FELT IT MIGHT BE PERTINENT FOR ME TO UPDATE RIDLEY'S BLOG FOR HIM, AS HE IS... WELL, YOU'LL SEE.

FIRST OFF, I'M SURE SOME OF YOU WOULD LIKE AN EXPLANATION OF WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON. THE SHORT VERSION IS, BASICALLY, I SEPARATED PART OF RIDLEY'S PERSONALITY FROM HIM AFTER THE TALL MAN LEFT HIM THAT LABYRINTH. I NEEDED HIM IN HIS RIGHT MIND (WELL, AS MUCH AS HE EVER IS). HE WANTED TO FIX HIS MIND HIMSELF. SO I LET HIM. THEN HE ENDED UP IN INDY. I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE HOW RHODES CONTACTED HIM OR HOW HE WAS SUDDENLY ABLE TO PULL HIMSELF TOGETHER, BUT HEY, THAT'S FOR ANOTHER TIME. ANYHOW, THE TWO PARTS OF HIS PERSONALITY (THE VIOLENT ONE THAT WANTED TO GO AFTER KONAA AND THE SLIGHTLY MORE SANE ONE THAT... IS THERE SOMEWHERE) WEREN'T GETTING ALONG WELL. SO HE FINALLY LET ME FIX THAT FOR HIM.

ALAS, MY AGENDA HAD FALLEN SEVERELY BEHIND SCHEDULE, SO I NEEDED HIM TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME AS PAYMENT. NAMELY, I NEEDED HIM TO GO TO A COLLECTOR OF PARANORMAL OBJECTS JUST OUTSIDE TOWN AND RETRIEVE SOMETHING FOR ME. THUS RIDLEY AND MADISON SET OFF, AND BROKE INTO THE COLLECTOR'S SHOP, SETTING OFF THE ALARM AND SO SIGNALLING THE POLICE. AND THEN THE COLLECTOR TRIED TO FIGHT THEM AND RIDLEY KILLED HIM. LOVELY.


REST ASSURED, IT GETS EVEN BETTER. THAT GUY FROM CRUSADER THAT'S BEEN FOLLOWING RIDLEY (AND IT HAS BEEN JUST THE ONE GUY, APPARENTLY) TRACKED THEM DOWN AND TRIED TO KILL THEM RIGHT THERE. RIDLEY FOUGHT THE ASSHOLE WHILE THE COPS CLOSED IN AND MEANWHILE MADISON WENT OFF TO FIND MY... THE THING I NEEDED. RIDLEY BROKE OFF THE FIGHT ONCE THE COPS APPEARED OUTSIDE AND TOOK OFF AFTER MADISON. THE CRUSADER ENDED UP HAVING TO FIGHT OFF SOME OF THE POLICE WHEN THEY MADE IT INSIDE, BUT MADE SWIFT WORK OF THEM AND FOLLOWED AFTER HIS PREY.


FINALLY, MADISON FOUND THE MACGUFFIN AND RIDLEY FOUND HER, BUT BEING AS THERE WAS NO BACK WAY OUT OF THE PLACE THEY WERE LEFT KIND OF STUCK, WHAT WITH THAT CRAZY HUNTER AND SEVERAL POLICE BETWEEN THEM AND THE ONLY EXIT. CRUSADER FOUND THEM FIRST AND, IN RIDLEY'S OWN WORDS 'FUCK THIS SHIT, WE IS GETTIN' OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE, RIGHT THE HELL NOW!' OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT. I ALMOST THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO WASTE SOME ENERGY AND INTERVENE IF I WANTED TO GET MY TOY BACK, BUT I REALLY MUST HAND IT TO RIDLEY, HE ISN'T AS DUMB AS HE ACTS. BEING CUT OFF FROM THE PATH OF BLACK LEAVES DIDN'T STOP HIM, HE MERELY FOUND ANOTHER WAY TO ESCAPE.


THROUGH THE EMPTY CITY. I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT OF IT MYSELF. A DOOR OPENED BEHIND THEM AND RIDLEY PULLED MADISON THROUGH; CRUSADER TRIED TO FOLLOW BUT THE DOOR SLAMMED SHUT BEFORE HE COULD REACH IT. LAST I SAW THE POLICE MANAGED TO NAB HIM AND HAVE HIM LOCKED UP. HA HA, BEAUTIFUL.


NOW MY CURRENT PROBLEM IS THAT THEY HAVE YET TO RETURN FROM THE CITY. OR IF THEY ARE BACK, THEY'RE NOT ANYWHERE AROUND HERE AND RIDLEY'S KEEPING QUIET. SO I'M LEANING TOWARDS THE FIRST POSSIBILITY. UNFORTUNATE THAT I MYSELF DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO THE CITY, BUT THERE IS LITTLE I CAN DO AT THE MOMENT. SO UNTIL SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS, I GUESS I'LL JUST


BE SEEING YOU.

So uh, just a few things real quick...

Y'all remember when Konie-dawg and I were in those fucked up woods and the cops showed up? And y'all remember after that when the frickin' Trenchcoat Brigade arrived and started shooting at us? I hope you do, unless of course Master took away your memories, in which case that's completely alright.

So anyhow, I found these people. Buncha jokers who call themselves CRUSADER. Sounds sexy, don't it? Well I figured that since I was gonna be stuck in Indy for a few days anyway, I might as well use my time here to exact a little payback on these dickwads for trying to kill me. They try to shoot me, so I find their little compound and destroy it all. I think that's only fair, right?

Well that was exactly what I did. It took a bit of searching, but after a few days (it was like Wednesday, I think) I managed to find where those asswipes were holed up at. I was greatly underwhelmed. It was this dinky little piece of shit place on the outskirts of town. I was expecting a something more impressive and awesome. Y'know, with some crazy shit like the PTC have. Fuck this was disappointing. I almost wished Lucifer and Madi hadn't already arrived, there wasn't nearly enough to go around. I mean damn, there weren't even a half-dozen people in the goddamn place! I mean what, this like a buncha dickholes playing Scooby-Doo in their spare time. Scooby-Doo with guns maybe, but still.

But alas, I had spent almost half a week trying to find these dipshits and like hell I was just gonna leave now because there wasn't anything worth fighting. So the three of us head on down and I break the door in, hey fuckers what's for dinner, you know, the usual thing. I must hand it to them, it didn't take long at all for the guns to come out and the bullets to start flying. If I didn't know any better, I might have almost been impressed. I immediately ducked out of their line of fire and told Lucy to head in. Asshole might not be fake-immortal anymore, but hey, he's still more bulletproof than me. And y'know, he's expendable. They couldn't replace me if they tried. Lucy ducks in, gives 'em a fancy light show, and I follow and start shooting while they're confused. Hell, even Madi got in on it and stabbed this dude in the neck. I'm so proud of her.

So um yeah, we killed a few peoples, there may have been a tiny explosion or two. I kind of had to grab Madi and run like hell when Lucifer decided to ignite those gas cans. It sounded amazing though, so I'm sure it all turned out alright. I don't know what happened to Lucy after that, but it's only been a week, I'm sure he's fine. I'm sure he's probably in some kind of trouble by now. Dammit.

Well after all this, we were just chillin', hangin' about Indy, checkin' out some sexy dimensional bleeding; one day I was attacked by what appeared to be a rabid donkey. Don't ask, I don't even know. Anyways, one day while I was just out, minding my own business, I see one of the Trenchcoat Brigade following me. Of course I realized this immediately, I mean stalking is what I do when I'm not killing people or destroying things, of course I noticed him there. Well, a fight then ensued and after not too long I actually started to get my ass kicked. This I could not allow. So I promptly kicked the asshole in the junk and ran like hell. So, when I got an opening, I deliverd a kick to the stomach and rushed him, stabbing him in the eye. Then I ran like hell for the second time in a week, which is not something I enjoy doing.

Then, a few days ago, they found the hotel we were staying at. Had to abandon that right quick. I now have a nice scar all down my arm because one of these hosers tries to take a sword to Madi. Mighty unchivalrous bunch. We made it out though and are now lying low. I should've blown the whole thing to hell when I had the chance, but hey, I thought it'd be amusing to leave them to deal with this shit. My mistake. Not that I don't find this whole cat and mouse game fun and all, but c'mon, it gets old real fast. How the fuck do they keep finding me too? Rhodes, if you are the one doing this, I will find you, castrate you, and stuff your dick so far down your throat that you choke to death on it. Kapeesh?

Good, I knew we could reach an understanding.

I'm gonna meet up with OBLIVION, hopefully get some answers about some stuff. I don't feel quite right. I'm not really sure what's going on... I think they're here again. Aww, here it goes!


Stay frosty peeps. You're all beautiful and I love you all.