submission #2

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....

[sounds of gunshots followed by yelling in the background, unable to pick up words. heavy breathing and footsteps pounding against wet pavement. loud crash and more gunshots before what is presumably a door being shut and locked followed by several minutes of white noise interspersed with garbled unintelligible sounds. finally:]

don't have- shit- I don't have much time...

The puppet found me again- not sure how, this place was supposed to be safe. They told me it was safe...

Ahh, damn! okay, okay- my name is leroy carter, i was an employee of the Blackwelder Corporation... I had been assigned to spy on a certain Alejandro Coronado, an agent of the entity known as the Slender Man. 987ftdhnadsf987 during a stakeout one night i was discovered and knocked out by the being that calls itself oblivion. i woke up several weekss ago in a dumpster in Seattle. i don't know what's going on anymore... i lost track of time- apparently have over a year missing from my memory. I tried t o contact my superiors but i have been unable to find any record that the Blackwelder Corporation has ever existed...

somehow though i got caught up in all this shit. i still dont' know for sure why they want to kill me, though there are a few [garbled] I don't know. heh heh it's their own damn fault, if they'd have left me alone I probably wouldn't have found out about any of this. [coughing] shit... but now I'm gonna blow the lid off the whole damn thing

Coronado is dead, killed months ago by Ridley's cousin. sure he's told you that, unless he's dead too... SHIT! [loud crash and a blast of static followed by several minutes of the sound of running]

oka-ay fuck hold on... thing is fuck he knew he was going to die, new he HAD to die then. he played all of us like like like shit i don't even fucking know. but the point is i know why the higher ups wanted to off Ridley. He was Iscariot's pupil and more loyal to him than to the organization. Coronado planted some kind of suggestion in Ridley's brain, exactly what i still can't say for certain but i think it had something to do with the Redlight cult and EAT. Dammit there's too much going on here, I don't have enough time to- shit!

calm down... Need to pull myself together andget through as much of this as I can. Iscariot wanted to get together a team that could [REDACTED],

so he set up Ridley as his successor. except that Ridley was too unpredictable and didn't follow orders. shit, okay dammit! Those motherfuckers herded me into a dead-end. Shit shit shit shit

[REDACTED] last thing you need to know is that Ridley is lying. Or someone is lying to him. The records claimed that Iscariot had been sent through time before, so maybe that was him I kill Vesuvius. Why aren't they coming in here yet? Oh fuck dammit

[very heavy distortion makes the next minute and a half unintelligible]

have to kill me first you Wooden piece of shit! [gunshots] Aaaaaahhhhhhhjp9iyadf8g9fadgmodfpipigjhsdfgh [distortion fades into a rhythmic beeping noise which continues for almost twenty minutes before the tape runs out]

apologies for having to redact some parts of the account, but we don't want our enemies getting too knowledgeable now do we

and dont worry, ridley will be back to pick up his little recap for you again soon. we've all gotten ourselves into a bit of a tricky situation it seems

be seeing you

Fragments; part 1

[these fragments are taken from the section of the Blackwelder Archives dubbed 'the Book of the Seventh Ark' by company scholars; the meaning of this title is not known, the reports of the original research crew that discovered the manuscript were all lost in a mysterious fire that broke out in the R&D Library, A.D. 19XX; the beginning of the record is not extent in any existing copies of the manuscript; author and date of composition are not known]

[...] we were later to discover that the subject [...] (h)ad become a pawn of the formerly human enti(ty) [...] only by its self-given title "OBLIVION." What exactly the OBLIVION-entity was or what were the extent of its powers, we have yet been unable to determine. Its machinations appear to be centred around an attempt to destroy a being referred to by this world's natives as the "Slender Man." All further study into the nature of this "Slender Man" has been called off by high command following the last failed attempt at gathering information, in which the entire team, consisting of thirty-four men, was wiped out by the entity. Adding in this little side operation, that brings our death toll to one hundred and seventeen thus far. High command has issued orders that we are to avoid unnecessary danger henceforth, as, they say, it is becoming increasingly expensive to replace lost personnel. As such, all [...]

[fragment missing]

[...] to continue on with the excavation of the Nekross portal site. If not for the fact that we are now very close to finding the envoy of the Darkness on this world, we would already have left. The Dimensional Bleeding has spread at an unprecedented rate here, so that Dr. Nagast has surmised that we have at most only two weeks before this universe completely Collapses. That would make only about three months between Breach and Collapse. Such rapid deterioration of [...] has never been observed before; Professor Abendroth hypothesizes that this may be due to the nature of the [...]

[this portion of the fragment was badly damaged and only some random parts could be deciphered]

[...] cleansing fire from out of the Archangel's Tomb, they might possibly be able to [...] that if there was ever a [...] seventeen of the test subjects that [...] later had to be removed from the [...] (Col)lapse of the anteri(or) [...] severed chest of the Nekross envoy. High Command has demanded that we retreat immedia(tely) [...]

[end first fragment]

Exodus

How 'bout all you motherfuckers just leave me the fuck alone. Go on, fuck off.

No, I'm sorry. That was rude of me. How long's it been, three, four weeks? Over two months, you say? Bullshit, it can't possibly have been that lo- FUCK!

Dear sweet baby Jesus, I do apologize. I lost track of time. In my defense though, dicking around with dimensional bleeding has been known to have effects like that. Though honestly, I actually thought I had gained some time. Which, actually, I did, but then I went and bullshitted around a lot and cancelled it out. Well no, that's not entirely true, I got shit done. Got lot's of shit done. So much shit got done, it be smellin' like done-up shit all up in this joint. Fuck that, what the fuck was I even saying? Oh yeah, shit gettin' done. Anyway...

I bet you're all wonderin' all this stuff I'm talkin' about here, am I right? Damn right I'm right. Unfortunately, at this juncture I am unable to reveal anything of significance regarding most of these matters. Sorry 'bout that, but I have my orders, and for once I intend to actually follow them. They have given me great incentive to do so. No, I will not tell you what that is. Yes, I am attempting to be mysterious and shit. It is quite fun, I must say.

Speaking of mysterious shit, the reason I came back here. A certain Jerusalem Black. It's a lovely name, it really is, don't you think? I just don't know what the hell it's doing on my blog. We're all well aware that this blog has been hijacked for cryptic shit on many previous occasions, but now they're actually getting their own accounts and adding them on here. That's wonderful, just fucking wonderful. I'm really being serious, it is wonderful, adds a touch of class to the proceedings that gets lost when you just go ahead and hack into my account to post shit. Anybody can do that. It's nice to see that I've attracted a higher caliber of cryptic asshole this time around.

I really shouldn't be taking such a long time writing this, I am very busy after all. Technically I'm not even supposed to be doing this anyway, they did order me to stop. But fuck, I've been a good boy and followed orders, I think I deserve a break. However, I am at present unable to commit to writing on here at any time in the foreseeable future. We'll see how that goes. In the meantime, I'm sure our friend "Black" can keep you all company. He'll be coming back, I have a good feeling that he shall.

In truth, I've not been keeping up with the blogosphere at all recently, so all you motherfuckers could be dead for all I know. I do know of several people for sure. Oh, but Benny-boy and the lovely Ms. Dia are still around, that's good, glad to see you folks. Stick around, shit might happen. Possibly. It's not entirely inconceivable, at any rate.

Stay frosty, assholes. I may not be watchin' anymore, but there's always someone out there.
You can rest assured of that.

The Letter

Dearest Ridley,

It really isn't polite the way you've kept your fans waiting so long.

I'm sure they're just dying to know what you've been up to these last two months.

Personally, I can't wait to hear what kind of ridiculous spin you put on everything that's gone on.

Rest assured, boys and girls, this isn't nearly over yet. We have so many things to show you before all is said and done. So sit tight and wait for the show to begin again.

I've a feeling we shan't be disappointed.

Your humble servant,

On Your Way to Oblivion

Initiate

My dear Ridley,

You do so enjoy making yourself look good, don't you?

Slender Man saved you from the bureaucrats? Hardly. It isn't nice to lie to your faithful following like that. 

Don't think I care about you. I just couldn't bear the thought of anyone other than myself punching your ticket. Especially not those pencil-pushers who are all going to be dead as soon as... Apologies, that would be spoilers.

Also, I do hope you enjoyed my little present. You were quite right, the Dying Man did use up Legacy's body quite some time ago. What's been following you these last few months is something entirely different.

Too bad I had to make reality unstable just to pull it off, but what fun would life be without a little risk? I've had too long a vacation. OBLIVION did his job well enough while he lasted, but he was only ever meant to be a distraction.

The real fun starts now, my boy.

Crystal Blue Persuasion: Better get ready to see the light

So I headed down to check in with the local bigwig like I said, right?

No sooner had I crossed the threshold into this den of iniquity but the fucker signals his flunkies to beat my ass to the ground. Considering I was outnumbered seven to one, I put up a righteous opposition, if I do say so myself. Sliced open one cocksucker's gut, and put out another's eyes. Nevertheless, the tide quickly turned against me and I was soon a captive of the foul mongrel.

Upon having attained my undivided attention, he proceeded to lay the facts on me. The bread and butter of the situation is that upstairs thinks I've gotten my ass too far involved in shit that they don't want to be fucking around with. They say I'm a "liability" and they had to get rid of me. As if. I mean, you guys have been following me this whole time, right? You can testify that never have I done anything that could possibly be a danger to noble and most honorable proxy bureaucracy. I've been a model agent, they just hatin'. It's all politics in this gig.

Well, maybe not all of it. Seems they forgot to consult with the Big Man about offing me. Right as the head honcho was about to punch my ticket, who should appear in our midst but the Slender Man himself. Those plebeians all start bowin' down to Him and shit, so what does Slendy do? Grabs their dickless leader and twists his fucking head off. Sweet shit. As you can well imagine, the rest of the crowd were eager to get out of there, and get out they did. Gave me one of His looks and then tossed my ass out a window. I was knocked unconscious when my head made the acquaintance of the pavement. I woke up just twenty minutes ago outside a truckstop in Idaho. You have no idea how much I love waking up in random states like this. Just fucking wonderful.

Hold on...

Oh, you son of a bitch, get your ass back here right the fuck

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

You can drive my car just as much as you like.

So after I got out of that loop Doc stuck me in, I decided to fuck up some of his plans a bit. He had some eldritch locations set up around places to be used for black magick ceremonies and shit. I decided they had a bit of an evil, depressed feeling about them, so I got myself some holy water, sprinkled it around, and now they're just the happiest places. Completely useless for dark voodoo Nazi magick, but one can't have everything.

After fucking around a bit with that, I decided it would be a good idea to figure out where I was. As it turns out, I somehow ended up in Saskatchewan. Feeling nauseous in the grotesque, sickeningly-not-American Canadian air, I quickly leapt onto the Trail of Ebony Foliage, waved good-day to a certain young Jewish man stabbing bushes behind the arcade, and leapt off, arriving back in Chicago.

It's quite an interesting thing to see when those boys in Fisk's unit actually do their job right. No trace that either Jonas or my people were ever here. Now that is what I call a job well done. If only all of us were as dedicated to doing a good job. At least half the time.

Cadence and Arpeggio got reassigned after I 'disappeared.' Not sure what happened to Hazendorf and Death's Head. I'm going to check in with the local adminstration office and see about getting myself a new squad. And learn exactly why I was never informed about the weekly newsletter (thank you Freedomcaged, for bringing this to my attention). Doc said he was looking for me, but honestly I'd have thought he'd already be here. I still don't really know what's going on, but you know what? I'm tired of this shit. It's time to fucking party.

Stay frosty. And keep an eye out, we're always watching.

Du hurensohn!!! Arschgeige!!


You horseraping fucking little cuntweasel! I don't know how you managed that, and I don't particularly care. Fucking idiot!!! Almost a century's worth of effort destroyed in an instant. Schwachkopf!!! You fucking ass rat, pigsucking bastard!!! I will fucking end you and lpo8yew nuliayweli fhaslilfkjhsfhnadsfkdsfl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I get my hands on your ass you I will hang you from the ceiling by your dick. I will peel the flesh from your... blood and bile and piss and you will be... so much.PAIN!..Lot's of PAIN!!!!!!!!!!












Ridley, I do so apologize. Just come out of hiding and let's talk this over. Everything... fine, just fine. 


Quit fucking with shit you twit.

You can't always get what you want

Isn't that right, Dicky-boy?

Now follow the white rabbit.


I'm black of course, but you get the idea.

Stay frosty.

Tonight's the night we'll make history

As sure as dogs can fly.

Ladies and gentlemen, I do hope you'll forgive me. The truth is, I've not been completely honest with you, my loyal and awesome readers. Well, from a certain point of view that is. There are certain facts and happenings of which I've been aware for much of this time and just haven't told you all about. But I assure you, I had only the best intentions in mind by doing so. Stop looking at me funny like that, you know I love you guys. You're the best fans a crazy motherfucking gangsta in the employ of a faceless, well-dressed eldritch abomination could possibly ask for. I've done everything for you guys.

And I'll take any risk to tie back the hands of Time

At least, I think I did. I also did a lot of shit just because I felt like doin' shit, and who can say, really, what was done with which purpose in mind. Oh, and to fuck around with Doc. Not the German fucker that keeps pissing all over my blog with his shit (we'll come to him momentarily), I mean the hot one from that lame "Return to Slender" blog. But anyway, the German. The gist of the situation is that he, as you know, is a crazy Nazi witch doctor, about a hundred years old or so, largely mentally challenged, and somehow or other got into a little wager with the Boss. Did I mention he's an arrogant motherfucker? This goes waaaay back; back to when Archy was first recruited at least, as many of his first jobs involved fucking up Doc's plans to manipulate the plot.

And stay with you here tonight

Now as for the exact nature of this little wager and what exactly it is that they're trying to accomplish, I couldn't tell ya. I don't have a damn clue myself. Boss has always refused to go into detail and Doc likes to pretend I don't know nothing and that nothing is going on. His first assumption was in fact quite correct up until a few months ago. It was that damn BOOK that unlocked everything and threw it all into perspective for me. It all has to do with the Intent. Stories, ladies and gentlemen, that's what it's all about. Gotta keep shit real, gotta keep stuff happening, or the folks get bored and go off to read about that asshole that kills unicorns and whatever. Everything in this place is built on stories mine and yours, but mostly mine. Because I'm special, bitch, a special little snowflake. Ya'll so damn jelly. Suck it. People go on about good and evil, chaos and order, ham and cheese, and it's all just bullshit. 'Cause it's all just part of the stories.

So take your seats and don't be late, we need your spirits high

Nobody wants to read about some thirty something douchebag living in his mom's basement and spending all day jerking off to shitty 70's porn full of really ugly hairy women. Except for Spencer, he's the kind of guy I imagine does that himself and wouldn't mind seeing someone else do it. But anyway, the point I'm trying to get at is... umm... shit... My other half here seems to be cracking up a bit. Better for us, I'm the more entertaining half of the mind anyway, right? The point my forgetful and straightspeakin' brother was attempting to come close to without ever actually explaining satisfactorily, is essentially the revelation of shit monkeys how everything is connected. The Slender Man. Slender Bender likes him a good story. Why else do you think you all waste so much valuable time pouring your souls out to random strangers and psychopaths on the Interwebz? Herp derp, it should have been obvious. Slendy's just a really really harsh critic who likes to insert himself into the narrative. BOOM! All your questions have been answered. That was the sound of your minds exploding from sheer logic.

To turn on these theatre lights and brighten the darkest skies

So now that we've solved that riddle, I think it's high time that we get some other things resolved here. First and foremost, I'd like to push that we alpo8ewwafh the fuck is wrong with yourw8he k Apologies. As I was saying, I'm almost out of shampoo and there's a box of 7e8ropa jlmlz;kjv z

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bITCH FUCK 0ff11

That wasn't what I was trying to get at. But with my train of thought now off the rails and over the side of the bridge, let's move on. Now I can't say I expected anyone to be surprised by the revelation that Doc is the one behind everything. Except for the things that Slendy was behind. But you know what the best part of it all was? He thinks he actually had me fooled. Please. Oh, the mind games, they were great fun, don't get me wrong. And this whole labyrinth thing is a sweet deal, but honestly, it screams of 2011 plot device. Oh, and uh, the Boss already broke my mind once before, remember that? Yeah. See that's the thing with this whole split personality thing. Or are we really a split personality, I mean we're essentially the same, we just with different methods. Anyway, what I'm getting at here is, the breakdown? All an act. Mostly. Oh, you got in there a little bit, managed to plant some suggestions, but it seems the Boss was a couple dozen moves ahead of you this time.

And so my friends, we'll say good night,
For Time has claimed His prize,
But tonight can always last
As long as we keep alive
The mem'ries of paradise

The game's over Doc. So quit it with your petty fucking around and submit.

Excuse me sir, is there a bathroom here?

ur cru el device your blood like ice
oNe look cOuld kill my pain your Thrill

Boys and giRls, ladies and gentlemen, hellO

steaK would be dElicious thaNk you yes i'd luv Some

yOu know i Really should get some moRe posts up its reallY very nice TO get all my shit ijn orDer and I love yo uguyS youre greAt

this Place is just fantastic truly sPlendid just splendid yes idneed its splendid! you knOw that it Is elsewise you'd not be here would would you/ i thiNk noT it's realy jsut fantastic i love reading all the stories theat pepole rihhgt on ehre y'know becuase i'm so alone here

so very alone don't knwo how i got here becuase because eveythign just disappear and all ridlye's friends gone and YOU DOC youre my best feeind you know

Ridley be sure to take real good care a' you.

Stay frosty

Only God could save you If you knew your way to the light

guyss I'm really sorry

I havnt been postin 'and shit latejly but you know there's just so mych

weird shit that's happening ad

n 

that's not really an excuse, weird shit always happen

not a nything new bout thatand reallyu I jus don['t know guys Im really sorry 

really sorry you guys I lvoe you guys all the awesome times we've had together and

other me says that shit's going to get realkdsjvbxc.

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never made it as a wise man, couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'

I don't know where I am right now.

I have a computer at least, fuck that shit dawg, ain't got nothin' on me bitch.

The twins are gone. I was still back at the hotel with them until sometime, I don't even remember something must've gone down. Maybe? Shit doesn't even know, the hell with that. Can't keep nothing straight- Legacy's dead, but that was him, wasn't it? Thought he was possessed, it should have used up his body by now though couldn't have been him. Why is It looking in here like that... It's one of them, whispering in my mind, Boss please just make it go away

Alejandro, good buddy, how you been? It's been a while since you were put back into the freezer. I know I know, you don't like me usin' that analogy or whatever the fuck bein' stupid about it. I know, you gotta get you shit back to the other side, piss in Jonas' cornflakes for me would you? Heh, you know it bro, take care of yourself.

Oh, well hey there punkin'! You been a good girl while daddy was away? My my, I have been away too long, you've gotten so big! Well I've missed you too, sweetie... Yeah, course I'll be stayin' for a while, the Boss understands I need some time off every now and then to see my best girl. You were gonna make a snowman? Well of course, I'd love to help you, just let me go talk to gran'ma a minute... She still mad at me? I'm not surprised; be just a moment...

Legacy... heh, funny. See, purple-texty isn't the only one that can figure shit out.

Stop looking at me you stupid fuck! Don't know what kind of game you're playing here, but it's fucking sick, I'll...

Is that so? Well then, let's just see how we manage with just a taste of 

I was wondering about you. They never did confirm that you were dead. I mean, I know you took that shot to the head, but I've seen people survive worse. Oh, you don't remember? You don't see the strings then... Oh, they're connecting all of us, even the ones what don't know about it. That's most of them. You need to be in a certain frame of mind to be able to see how it all fits, even I slip out of it from time to time. It's not exactly madness, but more the willingness to say fuck reality and just do it to it. Yeah, I know... I try to avoid getting into HIS way of thinking, I don't like knowing what's coming up. Never should have read that Book. Oh, her? Not a lot I can do. You forget, the Book told me a lot of things, I would let you in on the joke, but you won't even remember all this once we're finished. They're not going to leave you alone though. Just remember that, you will end up back in the Game one way or another, maybe not the same one I've been playing exactly, but you'll be in one of them. But while I'm here, I'm just curious: how did you end up with the journal and the disc...?

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Strings? Maybe they didn't after all. What are you hiding, herr Doktor? You don't want me to know what's going on, but why? You know I have all the pieces, I just can't figure out how they fit together.

It's still outside watching and... Oh hi there Slender! Do something about the dead guy in the window will you? k thx bye

I hear the angels calling... I see my demons falling

I know you're out there.


You think I ain't seen you around bro? I have indeed. But why exactly? I thought you just wanted the Book. Puppetslut's left us alone since we lost the damn thing. Why are you still around? Am I just so awesome that you can't stand to be separated from my greatness now? An understandable attitude, many previously have been similarly stricken. But it's time for you to go. We had our time together, you have to move on. 


You son of a bitch, I told you go! You ain't takin' me, fucker.  A̤̭̙̯̯̰̲̩ͧͧ̇ͮ̓̓i̫̩̘̖͑̊̽͐̚̕n͆̎͞͏͓̲̪͔'̡̢͖̬͔̝͈͓̆͊̀̚ͅt̴̢̟̲̾ ̨̜̜̭̮̫ͫͥͦ̿́ͫͨ̽͆͟t̨̙͌ͣͥ̓̔͢à̙͈͈̹̠̟̤̖͛͌ͥk̛ͤ̔̽͗̍̌ͦͣ҉͕͎̳͔͠i̾ͣ́͆ͮͥ͏̶͈͇̹̖̰͖͙͈̕n̬͍̋ͬͨ̐̓ͩ̅'̷͂҉̬̲̞̫̩̲͡ ̠͕͙̳̟̭͖ͮ́ͧ͆͐̓̊͒͐̕ͅm̛̟͇̺̜ͦ̓̑͆ͭͫ͡ę̮̱̩ͬͤ̉ͫ̂͊ͣ͑!̭̘͍̭̗͉͂ͨ̊̂̂̿͘  I'm not dying. Not fucking going anywhere. THis!? You thinik this is giong to kgil l me!?1 Think anything' s going donw ...?gfuyckj  sdtop it stop
it noiw 


nott talking to you anynoree 
get out of my head


get ou to f my head

I said you, You think you own I took away, Made it my own

Apologies.

But the shit has hit the fan.

Indeed.

Shut up. Anyhow, Glorianna, my dear cousin, never did enjoy this sweet gig as much as I did. She kind of hated Iscariot, 'cause y'know <he was the one that got us into this whole thing right? Among some... other things. So I suppose it shouldn't have come3 as too much of a surprise that she tries to get back at the crazy old fart. Is it my fault? Should I have known that she was gonna kill him? Eh, could be. What evs.

So yeah, Archy-boy is dead. And just when I was gonna try and get some answers out of him, too. No, I was, totally. That hgetting drunk -passing out in the middle of town was just an afternoon thing, and then we was gonna ge7t down to business. I can't keep myself on a leash all the time you understand. Umm yes... regardless... Glorianna's dead too. Death's He3ad shot her right afterwards, so yeah. We've not been getting along too well of late. Hazendorf is alright with me (mostly) 'cause we used to be on the same squad a long time ago, but I'm sure shit's going to go down between him and Head 55sometime soon. And as for Doc, well, he stopped back in earlier today, didn't bat an eye at anything that's happened, and then left without seeming to have done anything.

Let's face it, we're crazy here. And it's only getting worse.

Methinks it's past time the Big Boss assigned us to do anything. Anything at all. We obviously shouldn't be left to our own devices for too long, or shit7 like this happens. Dear Lord, I'm actually asking for work. What has become of me?

I- I really don't know what to say here.

Don't need me to say nothin'. I'm perfectly well; that whole breakdown before? Merely the insanity setting in. It most definitely was not shock or anything like that, so keep the fuck out. Monkies. It's monkeys. Fuck me. I apologize for not brightening anyone's blogs up with sexy and enlightening comments recently. There's really no excuse, I'm just drunk and lazy. Stop that. Where once there was so much Ridley that it could not be contained in one awesome blog, but had to be spread all over the blagosphere, it now has become quite clear that u9pypnydifgvh; everything is fine I'm just a busy guy, absolutely nothing going on down here. What I mean to say is 89pasdffhvkubukasdf I have shti to do adn everyone needs to just deal not come aroudn here no more I just can't fucking keep up. I'm a badass motherfucker certainly, but Jegus, there are like a million of you assholes nowadays. Like, I thought there were a lot of you guys way back when I first started on here, but dayamm!!! You're like rabbits, just keep multiplyin'. Someone needs to get out the wooden spoon so that we can neuter the shit out of these kids always fuckin' around these people nowadays. Try coherence. Vastly overrated, I assure you. I prefer a more kill all the peoples of running! ???

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oopsie

I disgust me. Suck it up. All my peeps, keep the frostiness. Ignore that one.

Had an accident, did we Rids?

son of a B̌ͯ͒ͬ͑̐̑̌̚͏̝̥͙̣I̝̰̝̥̰̾̄ͫ͗ͅT̄ͫ́̊҉̭̤̰̹̜̬̜C̥̟͍̣͔̐͒̐̐̋ͤ̐̔H̵̨̩͔̱̃̆ͫ̍ͥͮͅ!̩̤̟̋̂͗ͧͮ͋͞!͆̆̋̀͆̾ͫ͏̟͚͇̯̜͖!̛̳̝̪̺̘͌ͧ͋̓͂̊̽̍́

g0ddam nit aNna what the  f̨͍̺̤̝̫̠͚͜u̴̡̪̩͢c̭͘x̠̼͍͕̀k̴̛͎̖̯͎̠̼̞̬  did youy tghinjk woou;d happen ? id yo ureally think that would jaccomplish anytbhing...

Fuckign shot him!1 and Now upstairs is gon ing to be all up and....

N)t taht it  even fucing....






dammit

I've been too long, I'm glad to be back

Greetings all.

You've missed me right? Tell me you've fucking missed me. 'Cause I've missed you guys, I really have. My frosty brothas, just hangin' up in this joint. And fuck have we had some good times, amiright?

Well, in truth, there's quite a few a ya'll that  I don't believe I recognize. Probably seen you around the blagosphere here and there, I'm sure, but fuck, nobody ever commented on this thing when I was around. Do you really like the other guy better? That makes a sad Ridley.

Of course, I haven't introduced myself to you yet. And I know he sure as fuck didn't. It's just fucking goof around and shoot things, all the fucking time with that bastard. I'm so ashamed of myself sometimes. Anyway, I'm Ridley, nice to meet you. For realz like. That other guy is Ridley too, but I'm the suave charming bastard, whereas he is the crazy psychotic bastard. I don't hold it against him though, I love myself as much as I love myself. You know how it is.

I just wanted to pop in to say a few things to ya'll. Firstly, this guy is back. You know him, you love him, you probably thought he was a gigantic douche. That's right, my old buddy Iscabibble Archy. Err, Coronado, as he calls himself now. He brought the crazy bitch as well, unfortunately. And the traitor bastard. But we finished him off right quickly we did.

Let me back up a bit. We was just sittin', chillin' mindin' our own business. When this guy in a big black coat and hood shows up, and I could tell he was up to no good. Didn't want him makin' trouble in my neighborhood. So I go over and start kickin' his ass. Or get Hazendorf to do it. He didn't do well. I figured I couldn't just let the bastard kill him, so I jumped in myself then. He revealed his identity then, as that asshat Sullivan who sold us all out to that retarded Redlight cult a few months back. So I stabbed in the face. Priest doesn't like the sovereign to be left alone, you know? He didn't take kindly to that gesture, and responded by attempting to break my nose, following up with a preemptive rebuttal to my abdomen with his foot. He then drew his own blade and stalked towards me ready to kill, all the time muttering about something stupid (I mean, I couldn't make it out, but what else would he be talking about?). Then his neck exploded. He collapsed to the ground, and I could see Archy and Death's Head standing some ways off, Head lowering her gun to shoot him again while he was down. And so she did. And Ed Sullivan was dead, and America mourned. The End.

The fuck am I talking about?

Archy's in pretty bad shape at the moment. We don't really know what exactly he's been doing for the last... half a year, and his new blog isn't giving us that many clues. Seems he was/is losing his mind. Bound to happen eventually, I s'pose.

Doc fucking just disappeared now. This shit's gone on long enough. It's time to figure out exactly just what the fuck has been going on all this time.

Stay frosty.

Tangled abstract fallacy; random turmoil builds in me

I'm not really completely sure what's going on.

So Doc thinks I'm slacking off. Or hiding shit. Whatever, he can just go fuck himself because fuck him.

Now y'see, what had happened was, we go down to Salieri's to, y'know, kick some ass, take some names, maybe steal the bossman's membership card to the country club. They stopped letting me in there when they found out the guy who was letting us in had died a couple weeks back. And my game has been suffering for it, I really need to get back on the green and practice. But that is neither here nor there, let us get back on topic.

But anyway, I'll try to make this quick, since some people apparently are lazy and can't be bothered to read all of the oh-so-long posts that I make. Since we already found out that Salli was able to pinpoint where we opened the Path, and his muggle security systems where top-notch, we decided to take a different approach. We called back Doc. None of us knows where the hell he gets his voodoo powers from, and we figured nobody else would either. So we thought it'd be safe to send him in.

While in the course of breaking and entering, Doc managed to track down just exactly the information we needed. What intelligence we had managed to gather seemed to indicate that Salli had been putting a lot of time into a secret little pet project; even moreso since that first disaster. So that was what Doc went to check out. And a good thing he did too. Upon cracking into the records for the project Doc was astonished to find information of a most compromising nature. For our side!

In those files was contained forbidden knowledge of the most vile and disgusting sort imaginable. There were methods for evading and escaping the Big Man, including ways to sense when He was around and ways to hide oneself from His vision. It even held descriptions of certain mystical items and weapons which could be used to harm Him. All manner of horrible and appalling things. It was thought that all such information had been destroyed not long after the initial reports about the Big Man were leaked onto the web. There was an incident early you see, where one of the bloggers stumbled onto the information from a previous hunted who had stolen it from one of those stupid cults. Luckily, neither of them had really known how to properly use the information and they were taken care of and the blog passed off as a failed ARG attempt. 'Cause that was how we rolled back then.

This sick and perverted knowledge was of course quickly destroyed for good. It did prove useful, however, in providing us with the information we needed to bypass Salli's bypassing of the perception filter, turn it back on him, break in, kill his guards, and get into his office. He was not so pleased to see us just barge in on him like that. Now, our goal from the beginning had been to kill Salli. That was after all why Jonas hired us. Or so we thought. However, there was still one piece missing. It seems that Salli had actually gotten his hands on one of those mystical weapons I mentioned above. We had to get our hands on that as well, naturally, and for this end Doc brought Madi back. He had been training her the ways of bullshit Nazi voodoo bullshit and felt it was time to give her a chance to test her skills.

And Archy kind of insisted we bring her. Because he just calls up and gives us random orders sometimes, whatever. Of course, something got fucked up, the twins ended up shooting Salieri before Doc could get the information he wanted, and Madi, along with two of my boys from the old squad, were killed by guards. We managed to get the artifact and get out, but Doc wasn't too happy about Glorianna trying to get rid of him like she did. But it wasn't all bad. We got back the weapon and destroyed it. And because I asked Him very nicely, Slendy Bendy killed Jonas for me. You don't need to know why, just because you love me.

All things considered, I'd say it wasn't nearly so bad as Doc made it out to be. Legacy didn't even turn up like we'd half-expected him to do, and another day without being chased by death is a good one in my Book.

Did that go on too long? Tough shit.

Hey. Been a while ya'll. Fingers crossed folks, I just might be able to get out for a spell if I can time this right. Keep it frosty peeps.

You might be dead and gone

//\\bullet through the window and through Salieri's brain. Doc starts swearing in German, muttering about how he's gonna punish the twins for disobeying orders. Personally, I just figured we needed to call it a day and get the fuck out before//\\

Salieri: How the fuck did you people get in here? This place is supposed to be shielded! You shouldn't have been able to even find-

 : Yes, well. Life's a bitch, huh?

Ridley: Too bloody right. Okay Salli, what say we go ahead and-

Salieri: Oh, go fuck yourself Ridley!

Ridley: Now that was just rude and entirely uncalled for.

Salieri: Why the fuck are here? Working for Jonas again? I'd think even the fabled "Slender Man" would be unable to forget what that bastard tried to-

Ridley: All very interesting, Salli, but that ain't really what we're here for.

"What the fuck are you doing here? I thought I made it very clear that I - "

Salieri: So what? You want the Artifact, is that it? I won't give it up, I know what Jonas wants to use it for.

 : So do we.

Glory: Artifact?

Ridley: Oh you don't have to worry about Jonas. He's not gonna be hanging around for much longer. We was just wondering... If you figured out what it was for, how come you didn't use it?

Salieri: Heheh... And do what? Kill the monster? I'm not stupid, I read the journal that was with it. I kill the thing in suit, it creates a power vacuum, everything goes to hell. Well, even more than it is. Just like with Blackwelder. 

Glory: What the hell is he talking about?

 : How did you...

Ridley: Blackwelder?

Salieri: I'm sorry, I assumed you already knew.

Salieri tried to shoot himself, but Doc had managed to slip behind him and liberate him of his gun. There was a bit of an argument regarding the //\\ Glory just shoots Doc in the head when Hazendorf (who, sorry, I don't believe I've introduced you all to him quite yet) bursts in, his shirt stained with blood, and informs us that some men from Jonas' company had just arrived outside, and they'd killed Zeon. Naturally, everyone was now united in purpose and we all helped one another get the fuck out of there without any kind of bickering or anything like that at all. Because we tight like that.//\\Shit.

"NO! Get that fucking thing out of here! Are listening to me? Get it the fuck away - "

Glory: Just what the hell is going on here? What haven't you two told me?

 : This... isn't right. But it doesn't matter. We still have to kill you regardless.

Salieri: Oh really? If I might be allowed an answer myslef, I should like to inquire as to why you haven't already.

Glory: I'd actually like to know myself. And what is this artifact he mentioned? Is this why you brought that bitch?

Ridley: Hey!

 : I can't answer that. I was only doing what Alejandro asked me to.

Ridley: I don't really think this is the time or place to be discussing this. We're running out of time.

"The Doctor said he'd keep it away from me! Stop, no"

Salieri: Oh, this is too rich.

Glory: When exactly were we going to discuss this? Now we're taking orders from that asshole again, too? What exactly is it that we're doing here?

 : Well, you see- SHIT!

Glory: Oh my god!

Ridley: Son of a bitch! And I just had this jacket cleaned!

 : Dumme Kinder! I'll fucking whip those little bastards when we get back.

Ridley: Well, it's too late now. Let's just forget about Salli, and-

 : We still need the-

Ridley: What the fuck did you do?

Glory: We're not listening to him anymore. Let's fucking go!

"Fu-"

 //\\and about a dozen of the mooks come in through the side, all guns a-blazin'. We managed to get out of their line of fire on the stairs luckily, but we also couldn't hit them without exposing ourselves. The twins showed up and started shooting at them from the roof. By that point we only had about three minutes or so left until _____ ___ showed up again, so we were cutting it pretty closely. So we were kind of relieved when Madi finally came up from the basement, and we could see that she had the artifact with her. All cool, we could get the fuck out, head home, be done with this shit and chillax.

Then Madi's head explodes.

One of the mercenaries wasn't quite dead yet and shot her in the face. Glory took him out, we retrieved the Artifact from the body, and skedaddled. //\\ So no, it wasn't exactly a clean job. But at the very least it got tied up. Mostly. I mean, we still don't know how Jonas had figured out that Salieri had the Artifact. Unless of course, he was lying about just "happening to stumble upon it." I'm not gonna judge, they're both dead.

Doc's gonna be so pissed that Glorianna shot him. 

Stay frosty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I see Ridley's been neglecting you all. Only fair you have an idea of just how gottverdammte smoothly that job went.

//\\the last life of the night shall be fulfilled when the false knights are defeated and then shall we take our place as the rightful heirs to the great Oracle! Hail the Bloodless! Hail the Deathless! Hail Redlight!

Now if you'll excuse me, Ridley was correct. I am pissed. I'm going to go take out my anger on the source.

You gotta fight for your right to party

Hey homies, merry fucking New Year to everybody. Sorry I ain't been around much recently, I know it must be hard to have to go so long without hearing my sexy voice through the monitor-text. But it seems that either the shit's hitting the fan or we're Just sitting back and watching paint dry, there is no in-between. What are you gonna do?

So it's 2012 now. End of the world's comin' and all the bullshit. Sweet, as long as it's awesome, I can get behind that. But anyway. I was invited to a New Year's Eve party hosted by what's his name, that Writer dude. I think. To be honest, it wasn't nearly as much fun as I had hoped. I learned something this weekend. Many of my coworkers are unpleasant people. Especially the new Morningstar, he's a real jackass. Much less classy than the original. Most of his squad too. That fucking clown especially is a real bitch. Not everybody was bad though. Nightscream was a great dude; together we got that party started right. And while I didn't have a chance to talk to 'em much, David and Rachael seemed to be thoroughly respectable folks.

Well, we might as well get on with what actually went down. I arrived a bit late, and as such there wasn't really much going on when I arrived. Can't have a party without the R-Man, you know. I think they just didn't know how to do shit right, it looked like tensions were high, but nobody was bleeding yet. So I decided to help get the ball rolling. After retrieving a bottle of the finest something-alcoholic-it-doesn't-really-matter from behind the bar, I went over and gave my good buddy Morningstar a hug. He looked like he needed one. Considering I was only trying to be nice, he was very rude and told me to go fuck myself with a chainsaw. Or something to that effect.

I decided to leave the asshole to his brooding and find somebody with whom I could have a decent chat without them getting their panties all in a bunch. I found a rather well-dressed fellow who turned out to be my good buddy Nightscream. He- err... she? It? was uh, very nice, very nice. A model Slendercorp employee, one whose behavior all should attempt to emulate. It was around here that Newstar started getting all pissy when Screamy (I really do need to think of something else to call 'em though) started making fun of how much of a pussified dick he is compared to his predecessor. Now this was what I had come to see, so naturally I made an attempt to help poke the bear. Also, David got tackled by a psychotic, tiny, Japanese schoolgirl. Or at least, that's what it looked like, so that's the story I'm going with.

Having finished my one bottle, I returned to the bar for another and took a seat. Morningstar then started getting all pissy about Rachael being invited to the party, complaining to that Joseph guy about it. Douche. I stole another bottle and sat next to Nightscream again. Valtiel and Joseph and Rachael were talking about something. I wasn't paying much attention to what exactly, but it was clear anyway that something was about to go down. Finally, damn. I began constructing an improvised incendiary device, you know, in case somebody needed a fire started. About here, Valtiel started burning Rachael and punched out Joseph's throat. Then David went over. Screamy thought it was time for shit to get interesting. I concurred.

Joseph and David (I think, maybe just one of them) did something weird to make Valtiel back off. Rachael pulled out a gun which she pointed at Newstar. Something weird happened and I'm really very confused as to what went down around this point. Nightscream disappeared somewhere, my incendiary device was gone (and sadly, didn't appear to have caught anything on fire), and I was fighting Gleeman. Fucking Joker-wannabe sprayed acid on me!! My trusty jacket blocked it of course, however this seems to have created a bit a er, problem. You see my jacket is very special. On the outside it may appear to be a simple leather jacket, but in reality, it is created with some of the same material as Tall Dark and Slender's suit. Or something similarly. Anyway, the bottom line is, my jacket possesses some odd dimensional features; the most useful of these being that the pockets are larger on the inside. Like a fucking TARDIS.

Anyway, I discovered that that shit really shouldn't be allowed to melt. It most especially won't be allowed to melt while you are still wearing it. Shit is now fused onto my arm it seems. It did not prevent me from winning my fight with Gleeman, however, as I successfully got a bullet or two in the fucker. He ignored them and continued fighting as if nothing had happened, but that is not the point. The point is, I fucking filled one of Newstar's minions full of holes! Mwhahahahahaha!!!1!1!!!1one!!!1

No, but I would've taken the fucker. If... something hadn't happened then that made all of our weapons disappear and shit. The barista did something. Or "Joseph" (I'm sorry, have I been doing that wrong all through here?). Didn't really catch it exactly, I was running at the time. Star's team wussed out then and left, as did Rachael. And really everyone that was still around was just going on about some shit or other, not really that interesting. So I decided to finish the night out with some light binge drinking. I awoke Monday morning on my mom's porch. Son of a bitch, that was certainly fun.

All in all, it was a damn good party. Though it could've been waaaay better. I'm going to suggest some improvements for next year. This year. Whatever.

So that's really it. Wanted to tell ya'll about the party, as I'm sure most of you out there didn't have time to party; what, with the Tall Guy being all on yo' asses and everything. But a happy new year to everyone. The Big Man is what brings us all together, and here's to many more joining our numbers in the new year. Cheers!

Stay frosty.